Friendship Evaluation and Maintenance

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Friendship is a very tricky concept for me, something I'm sure most people reading this will be familiar with. In the past year or so, a lot has happened that has helped me develop better skills and understanding with respect to the endeavor of building and maintaining friendships with people, but as always issues remain.

One central part of the friendship 'problem' is what I call "friendship evaluation." Basically, for two people to be friends, each must consider the other a friend, and each must be interested in the other. If one person expresses too much more or less interest in the friendship than the other actually feels, it hurts the connection. For example, say I just met someone and am only mildly interested in them as a friend; if they then proceed to try and get me to hang out with them every day or two, I will not respond positively. The same works in reverse if I happen to meet someone I think is really neat, and act the same way. This means that, if one wishes to build and maintain friendships, being able to accurately gauge the other party's level of interest is a very useful and important skill.

Unfortunately, I don't think it is something I'm very good at. I have a few basic measures I use, but they're all rather flawed. For example, if someone initiates contact with me, that's a fairly obvious sign of interest...but I know all too well from my own case that failure to do so doesn't necessarily indicate disinterest. I'm still working on improving at this, but progress is very slow, so in the mean time I've been thinking about ways to cope with a lack of information of this sort.

One thing I tend to do is bias my reactions toward the assumption that someone is uninterested. So, for example, I don't seek to visit someone in person unless they invite me over spontaneously. This creates a distressing tendency for me to drift away from people over time, but I guess that's better than actively driving the ones I like best away by being 'clingy' or attention-seeking.

So, anyone: what are your techniques for evaluating how interested someone is in you and in being a friend of yours? What do you do to maintain friendships, especially in the face of uncertainty about whether the other party wants to be a closer friend of yours or not?

I cut back on the partying, and i only will hang out on the weekends, during the work week i sleep, work and stay home, often on here.

On the weekends ill make plans with a few ppl (usually evenings) and typically it involves hanging out at hy house, over there house or if the weather is nice well have a fire. I dont see my friends every week, not enough time (i also visit my parents every weekend). Initiating is difficult, everyone I hang with are from high school and collage years, so i dont make new friends now days (especally since I stopped going to the bars). I meet ppl at their places sometimes but dont try to make a friendship with new ppl 4 the most part.

I dont peruse an interest usually, because I assume that person will be un interested and the intiial approach is werid for me, so like u i want them to initiate, or do the inviting. I think we miss out on alot of potentials by doing this. I think if we persuid more and assumed they would be interested, perhapse we may make new friends. I recently did this with a girl I knew for a while and would't ya know it? I think she is interested in dating. This is really the first time I have seekeed out someone I have not talked to in a while and successfuly made an old friend into a new one, maby more.

I watch people to see how they react to the people around them (see what makes them tick). By doing this I usually can workout who to stay clear of and who might be friendly. Also if I see a new person I watch them and see whether they know someone that I do or sometimes go and say hello and talk about something in the news or common to the people around me. I have two small kids so when out at my local shopping centre, where I feel comfortable, I talk to other mums about kids. But then I have the problem that I meet really nice people but then never see them again. If you are seeing them regularly it works better. Just build up the relationship and see how it goes. Just don't try to be a close friend straight away. With NT's they need lots of getting to know you and standard socialising first. But then this is from a female perspective. I think it is more difficult to speak female to female. There are lots of do's and don'ts.

This is my first post on these forums, so I don't exactly know all the rules and whatnot. Suffice to say I don't have Asperger's and would probably consider myself somewhat versed in the 'social code'. And since I find most topics on there forums very fascinating, I'll try to give some input myself:

The most friends I have go back a long time, so it's perhaps not crystal clear about what made the friendship work from the beginning. However, from time to time, I do bump into people here and there, some of who I will befriend, most of whom I will not.

Now, what I would say in regards to the question about how to evaluate a friendship, I guess it all boils down to how much fun you have with your friend, and how much exchange between you that occurs. In the most cases, the person I'm with I've met through school or work, so that's often where the discussions stem from. For instance, I meat someone in class, we agree to help out studying for an exam, maybe through sitting in school on off-hours, reading together, mostly silent, but from time to time discuss some part of the texts. If, after each time we've hang out, I feel it's been a rewarding time (i.e. I've learned alot and had fun times chatting) I would consider us a little closer.

Friendship take a lot of time to build. I guess it's about showing a moderate amount of interest in the other person; If you show too little, the other person will think you're not interested in becoming his/her friend; and if you show to much interest he/she will probably consider you as obstinate (all people need time by themselves).

Hope it helps.

since ive lived so long the way i am in not making friends it would put me in a uncomfortable feeling/situation to try and be like a nt.

I came to almost the same conclusion in a different way. Everything you said I've found to be true, but I don't monitor my friendships and act based on it. I just don't show neediness. The idea is to try to put yourself in the position where you act like they're more interested than you. That way you can control the pace and the friendship. You just don't want to show neediness at all.
This takes a lot of calibration.