NT and AS friendships - how they work?

Post Reply New Topic

Okay, I know that NT and AS freindships work and can work really well, as one of my closest friend has AS (self diagnosed 4 years ago) but despite him telling me (I didn't know what AS really meant) it was always him emulating NT behaviour. In fact he loves doing this and is happy and has had an NT girlfriend for 3 years now. Having known him 8 years, I know how things had gone badly wrong for him in past - and I know how hard he has worked on this.
However, I don't think it is fair that he should feel responsibility to behave NT all the time - he admires the social skills in his gf and me - but it hardly seems fair ...anyway he is happy so that is fine.

My more immediate question is "why are NT's so ignorant"? I am acutally not joking. As I have recently discovered that another friend of mine may have AS. He described how his mind works. I never made the connection till I read an article recently.

I am now acutley aware that for the past 6-8 months my behaviour must have been so frustrating. We reconnected as friends after like 8-9 years. We only met because I had work trip to where he lives - way too far (another continent . Nevertheless, we did become very close. Distance is only a dimension and hardly stops two people connecting. (Okay, I am a bit crazy

He is lovely, wonderful and truly amazing person. How do I go " I think you may have AS via e-mail"? (I personally don't view having AS as negative, quite the opposite in fact - but he could have all sorts of reactions) I don't think he needs to know as he seems already so self aware and leading perfectly happy life - I just feel in case he doesn't exactly know, WP may help him to understand and realise how many other people feel (function) same way. You read so many people here saying "wish I had found out earlier in life".

"Should I tell him? I don't want to damage our friendship but feel I will not be a true friend otherwise as I am not letting my friend know something which may postiviely enhance his life. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

People being diagnosed with AS is a relatively recent phenomenon, and the entrance of AS into popular knowledge is even more recent. People without AS are bound to be perplexed by people who don't appear to be aware of certain social maxims.

I don't regard myself as "pretending to be NT", I'm only getting better socially. Up until the age of five most of the words I spoke were directed at myself, but if I remained that withdrawn I don't think I would be nearly as happy as I am now. If that means I've been brainwashed by my NT parents and friends, so be it.

Since I was diagnosed with autistic features at a young age, I'll leave the question of how to suggest that someone may have AS to the majority here who "discovered" it when they were older.

If you tell him and for him it comes "out of the blue" (i.e. he doesn't even know it exists) don't be surprised if denial and anger precede the "I wish i had found this place earlier".

[quote="Jwa"]Okay, I know that NT and AS freindships work and can work really well, as one of my closest friend has AS (self diagnosed 4 years ago) but despite him telling me (I didn't know what AS really meant) it was always him emulating NT behaviour. In fact he loves doing this and is happy and has had an NT girlfriend for 3 years now. Having known him 8 years, I know how things had gone badly wrong for him in past - and I know how hard he has worked on this.
However, I don't think it is fair that he should feel responsibility to behave NT all the time - he admires the social skills in his gf and me - but it hardly seems fair ...anyway he is happy so that is fine.

Speaking from experience, and not knowing that I had a non-imaginary difference between myself and NTs, I admired people with social skills sufficient to be attractive, and tried to learn them.
AS males have a severe disadvantage compared to NT's in relationships with the opposite sex.

Thanks Hector.

Sorry, I wasn't implying my friend is pretending, it just worried me a bit the level of energy it may require on his part to remember NT social norms. Thanks for sharing that you don't see gaining NT skills as a negative, as I will feel less guilty about my past interactions with my friend!

Thanks Sanndr, it is good point you make regarding my other friend and I will have to be ready for that (though the thought almost makes my heart stop - I really like him you see

Thanks Val, what you say gives me the courage to tell him - as then he would know, which has got to be better than not knowing.