social phobia's impact on sexual relationships

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Very true. Sex and the chemistry of love (or lust) are both primatively hardwired in humans. But let's not forget that love is a broad term that implies a whole range of feelings and emotions regarding fondness. Sex is merely the act of intercouse whether or not both parties consented. Chemistry and physical attraction from are the real and most primal indicators in how "love" may get processed once the union takes place.

Contradictory to this primal feeling...I think I'm the opposite. I never really been in "relationships"...or at least one that was lasting or great. There seems to be a pattern in where I seperate intimacy, love, and sex....I've often wondered it it had anything to do with the first brief relationship I had or if it was just a quirky trait of mine. I didn't have strong or passionate feelings toward him other than attraction. He wanted us to live together and I didn't, he was ok with that but he got more and more possessive. I got to a point where I couldn't handle his obsession with calling me all the time and wanting to be with me everytime we went out. I also wasn't comfortable with him wanting sex. I was very self conscious and he was always hypercritical of me. So I wanted to break it off and then not only did he accuse me of cheating but went around telling people including my sister that I was whoring around for money. My sister and a close relative knew me better than that and....as it turned out he had been sleeping with his exgirlfriend behind my back. It had been the first time I was with a guy and the last time I had a relationship.

Once I got into some serious and heavy drinking, I felt like the total opposite of myself that was always afraid. Most of my relationships involved one night stands. I was fine with it and felt as if I had an epiphany or hint of what I missed out on for not being "normal" or socially motivated. When I use the word normal, it is the only way in which I define the observations I made of people and their social habits. It got to the point where I depended on alcohol so much that I always "needed" it. But that's another story...

So whenever the topic of sexual relationships is brought up, I feel not one but two of the extremes on the spectrum. On one hand, I'm prudish and like a nun and on the other hand I feel like a harlot on fire. I'm not a hot chick and I'm too stubborn and selfish to stroke a man's ego unless it concerns something I either relate to or share an interest in. And no I'm not proud of being this way, I'm always at war with myself. I try and not use aspergers as the sole excuse for why I've always remained single....even though it's befitting to say I'm socially clumsy and socially clueless. I can't really improve my social skills any more than what I've observed and learned already.




All relationships including families and friendships are going to experience ups and downs as well as hurt feelings. For instance disagreements and conflicting emotions don't all have to end in petty fights such as verbal or physical abuse depending upon what ethics each person is applying in the relationship.

Then it all comes to the questions of boundaries. How far is too far when it comes to respecting and challenging eachother's boundaries and personal feelings within each boundary?

I relate to all you say Miss C.

I found drinking was the only way I could tollerate relationships and socializing, I find now that I dont drink I isolate myself completely.

Ditto. I think parenthood as well was the final nail in the coffin for me, without sounding melodramatic I think I have PTSD about what happened in the maternity ward, feel even less comfortable in my own skin than before I was a parent (which was surmountable with drinking etc..) and constantly afraid of further rejection...being dumped when you are pregnant, by someone who you were "settling" for* is quite a blow to get over... fear of being a bad parent/having to introduce someone to my (autistic) son too....

I'm grateful this thread is here- I don't fit the assexual category, yet have to make myself be so. Not fun


*ie didn't greatly care for, but was trying to make things work-despite finding him physically repugnant and racist. Even more irony, he was broody, I didn't plan on EVER having children

yes, its so hard with kids, it compounds all the other issues.

I think as well having kids means that weve had enough of people at the end of the day and certainly are going to be not motivated enough to 'be loving' to a partner or meet their needs.

I find I want any spare time I have to be alone, I never get enough alone time.

I think as well the 'ego crushing' that ex's do mean that the more relationships we have the more we cant trust people to let them into our lives. I think our 'literalness' means that we are more vulnerable to criticism than NTs might be.

I found having kids really knocked my body confidence, which was not good before hand. I think as well it makes you tired of being touched.

it is very hard to want love and sex but not be able to make it work, its like starving amongst a feast.

Couldn't break the post up into individual points, because they are all so true for me as well...
When you've spent even just part of the day being mauled and climbed on by your child/ren, your frazzled, you have a thousand things to do which you couldn't get on with before because you have to be super vigilent and can't multitask, it's been a day long wall of noise... All I could manage is a temper tantrum and throwing things at someone, certainly not romance.

I am almost miserly with alone time. Other than saturdays, when my mother helps out, I usually don't have enough time for me, and then conversely having nothing to do on a Saturday evening is often the final straw. Sounds a joke, but I think what would be ideal is a saturday evening only relationship. Assuming I could get over the body issues.