I'm losing my Will

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I'm losing my Will to do two things.

Over the past 8 months, I've been losing my Will to travel to London. I apologize to the Londoners here, but she just doesn't seem to be as Quaint and Distinguished without her Routemasters on all of her major Bus Routes. I can't explain.

I'm slowly losing my Will to eat proper meals. I feel that I only have the appetite to eat Soup, Crackers, Veggies or Fruit for my Main Meal. Of course I can't let myself get away with that, because my mom cooks big Meals out of "Love". I bet that if I was living on my own, I'd be drinking Slim-Fast and eating 1 small piece of Fruit for the first two Meals of my day. Than I would eat a controlled portion of Meat, a Potatoe and Raw Veggies for dinner. I can't explain this one, either.

Is this Depression?

I usually love food and London! What's happening to me?

That is very odd. Try to do something really, really bold/rash/stupid to prove to yourself that you're not the boss of you! Well, try it once you figure out the meaning of my prior sentence anyway.

The two things are not connected at all, except possibly inside your mind by depression or other 'states' of mind. I don't know if you're anything like me, but I have to Force Myself to follow a proper diet and also Force Myself to moderate my compulsions. Impulses are not as negotiable, though, I've found.

Maybe take a week off like a vacation from thinking about food and eat all your favorites, then end it with a small personal ceremony. Go back to being a 'responsible' eater after a little break. I have to do that occasionally.

Sorry, about the London thing ... I got nuthun' ...

The London thing....I got something(but not much)....Sometimes we change...its a form of evolution...dont fight it or question it...live it....Its really scarey at first when something that has defined who we and others think of as us changes,but.....its not a bad thing.I use to be a homeless,alcoholic,depressed punkrocker....now I am a bookworm,computer addicted aspie...so be it...It didnt happen over night it was a transition of 15 years(actually the book worm thing was always there but ....you get the drift)...I am still me....I just looking really awful with a mowhawk(42)and I grew out of the drinking when I decided that being "social" wasnt worth being brain dead....point being(and there is one darn it)....The depression maybe not causing your lack of London gusto but because you are losing part of your identity before you have found a new one(think of snails looking for bigger shell or buterflies coming out of their cacoons....that could also effect your appitite(thoughI must say...it sounded pretty healthy to me?)

Just to reinforce what I said in our conversation, CockneyRebel: eat properly and try not to let things get you down. That way lies illness.

Maybe your interests are changing? That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just different.

And you're right, if the main appeal of London was RMs and RMLs then it's just not the same place any more.

If buses are really your thing, how about concentrating on the bus preservation scene? There are loads of people restoring and running old buses here.

I've noticed that the word, Hippies replace the word, London in some of my posts. I might be going in a new direction. I might even be a more peaceful and pleasant person to be around, if that direction gels. I think that I've also done a lot of changing, over the past 8 months. I used to be obsessed with 19th Century London. I'm now obsessed with Classic London, AKA "The London I Know" or "Routemastered London". It would be interesting to see if I emerge into a Hippie, over the next 6 months or if my obsession with Classic London strengthens and sticks around for a few years. I have this fear that if I attempt to Mellow, that I could end up blowing up at something small, and I would be Shell Shocked back into The London I Know.

Well if you're turning into a hippy, just go with the flow, maan...

Poor CockneyRebel. I still have an urge to go to the UK.

As for you becoming a hippy, may I become a Rick to your Neil, and insult you, hippy?

I mean that facetiously, of course.

Is it possible or even normal to be both a Hippie and obsessed with Classic London, at the same time? If that's normal, than I can have it both ways. I've been asking myself a lot of questions, lately. One such example being, "Did College knock me out of my Groove?" "Am I too attatched to London and her former Routemasters to even become a Hippie?" "Would I get my Groove back, after I'd win the Lottery and live in a large Country House for a few months?" "Would I be better off, if I'd forget about my Long-Lost Groove and keep on buying toy Routemasters?" "Am I Depressed?" "How do I Will myself to stay out of the Mental Health system?" "Is my Paxil working, anymore?" I think that I should sleep away my Confusion tonight and see where my Mind is at, tomorrow.

Even if your interests take a new direction life can still be good. Think of it as a new adventure.

Any self respecting hippy would love to live in a Routemaster, somewhat converted for conveniences, of course.