Back Seat Livin'

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I thought I had AS. Saw a therapist or psychologist I'm not sure. Anyway he said I don't have AS. I'm not sure he's any good though. Didn't tell me anything I didn't know and didn't give any really good advice. I don't fit anywhere with anybody. I have a few friends. The few who haven't given up on me. I've tried just about everything. Some by choice others by the preasure from people around me. I'm getting to the point where when I do try to really live its just like a cheesy f*****g movie, no spontaneity. I feel like a slave to my daydreams that can and will never be fulfilled. So my questions are in the for of a rant. What is this? Why can't I be happy in the moment? Why can't I cry? Why can't I share moments with others and feel like I belong? Why can't my feeling of love blosom? Why are there so many systems that hold us back? I don't want to kill myself or anything. I would rather die by the hands of the ignorant in such a beautiful world. At least them it would all make sense at the point of death and then maybe my train of thought will continue without this body. I guess I back seat live for my own safety. I know if I let my self out of the cage I surely won't last long. Should I burn full on or dull my flame just enough to survive as half a homosapien? Do you feel me here? Do you care? Will you help? Will you let me help you? Am I an alien? No I'm a 6'6" blue eyed american of german decent that was born of a brocken man. Left handed too. I fit no where. I know why now. Make me into whatever you want and I'll be it happily, then break you when you least expect it. If society doesn't want our souls free, it is our obligation to build a new one. American society, what a joke. Raised by tv, 30 second comercials and pee wee. We all hold on to so much that we can stop trying to make it fit in its place all the time. Let go. Let go. Let go. Be here now. Right now, cause thats it. That's all we get. no heaven, no hell, just the present. And what a present it is. A gift will never asked for but here it is. Its life. Why won't you join us. Why can't you see. So lonely. No one to share this with. No one sees what I see, which is everything the eyes don't. Why can't we run free? Why do we live in little boxes? Why have people just like me said the same thing for centuries with no change? Why if they burned all the witches and roosters do they still walk the earth? There is something more, but what? Am I indecision personified? Am I the devil? Or just a fag? Are you nervious when I'm around your children? Why? What do you think I'll do? Can you understand we all never grow up, are hearts just grow cold? I'm trying to hang on to the inquisitiveness of youth that you threw away like a peice of tollet paper, and that scares you. Now I'm on the us/them rant. Its hard not to. So many people are slaves to their subconscious. They shut me out without realizing it. How do we help the lost? How do we teach hope? I don't want to be the president. I want to program the television channels. Where do I go from here? How do I stay alive and out of trouble? Where do I go to fit in? Another sad sunday. I know that prayer works. But prayer is like a shotgun. Why can't we all meditate on the worlds problems. We'd solve them in a decade. Meditation is a focused rifle. Did you feel this? Was it real? Am I real? Am I crazy? Am I dead already? Is it too late? Did I already jump? Where's my place? Where do I fit? What "job" would be good for me?

Uhmmm...I dont know.I have had some similiar feelings and thoughts...I dont know if I have ASor how I will feel if the "specialist" says I dont....I cant really imagine I will care because I still feel I fit in here better then any where else, I have been.I cant imagine your cynicism about America or the "world" populice is any more then my own....I have tried jumping and I lived,tried over dose and I lived...I have accedentaly found a person who loves me and as long as I have that ....the other stuff still sucks...but not enough to leave this love.I have chosen a job I hate but where I can give some help to others who have a more challenging life then me(in wheelchairs,cant communicate,have to put up with a convaer of lazy and apathetic people in their lives....The job allows me a week break from all this madness to "live" in my own interests and pet my cats and bunnies....is that a life...?Better then anything I have had befor,so I guess it is relative....I could have never guessed my life would end up this way but if the alians come for me now...I am not going without my boyfriend,cats,bunnies and books.....We make the best of what we are given.....and that is it.

I've broken my habit of Back Seat Living, at the beginning of March, after my torn Tendon in my right foot had finished healing. I go 5-Pin Bowling, once a week. I walk down to the local Hobby Store to see what's in there, twice a week. I take Chico for a walk, twice a day, most days out of the week. I take Bonnie for a walk, every day. I help my mom out with chores around the house. I look after my neighbour's Flowers, when she's gone. I do chores at my Clubhouse. A Typical person might think this is Back Seat Living, but I think I'm doing pretty well, for myself.

I just want one thing to work. Just one. Its so hard sometimes. I feel like I have to focus all day sometimes just to not completely loose it.

i really get where you are coming from i think. in my life all i am doing is a juggling act the minute i take my eye of one tinyy aspects of my life is spinds out of control into chaos

Yeah, I know EXACTLY what you mean about having to fight through every minute of every single day just to stand still.