Birthday parties

Post Reply New Topic

I am super worried for my son. He wants to try having his first kid birthday party with sleepover (he's turning 10) and I'm worried he will get his hopes up and hardly anyone will show up or RSVP because they don't feel the same about the "friendship" as he does.

I know that if my son was invited to a bday party (never has been ever....) that I would ask him how he feels about the kid, whether they're good friends, and etc... After all I wouldn't want him going and being left out because the kids parent thought it a good idea to invite everyone in their child's class.

My son tends to latch to people that he perceives as being a friend because that kid had a similar interest as him (ie Pokemon).

His teachers have described his social relationships and not reciprocal; in other words, it's usually him playing with them because it's a sport he likes or a similar interest but never because he just likes that person or they like them. He seems to float from group to group depending on what's being played.

If no one is playing something of interest to him, he would prefer to be alone. Apparently he follows ppl around even when they try and run away.

I'm so scared that he's going to invite kids that he perceives as his friends but that will tell their parents they're not really friends with him or don't like him an no one will come, I'd hate for him to be hurt like that.

Any advice?

I want to do this for him, I really do, but I don't want my boy getting his feelings hurt like that. There's nothing worse than feeling like no one likes you. I would almost rather him be pleasantly oblivious. If that makes sense.

Too many kids would probably be too overwhelming anyway, based in what you describe, even if he does not realize it. Does he even have one friend (Not a criticism--mine has none) that you might think would want to come? If so, you can be the "bad guy" and tell him you want him to try one friend first, to make sure things go smoothly. If he does not have one person, is there a cousin or a friend's kid that would be willing? (We do not have this either)

Other than that, I do not know what to suggest, b/c if my son wanted to try to do this, it would break my heart as well.)

The paradox of all of this, is that as much was we are supposed to encourage our kids to want to socialize then we end up where our kid wants to socialize and no one wants to socialize with him. So you encourage your kid to be brave and then...horrible, horrible roadblock.

(Someone else might be more optimistic and give better advice than me.)

Well his step brother will be there but he won't be satisfied with that. Unfortunately I have no friends either and the only one I do have has small children that he has no interest in playing with.

No cousins either.

I asked him if perhaps he would rather go to the new aquarium (ripleys) in the city instead but he's adamant that he wants this sleep over party. I am not worried about too many kids being an issue, he will likely bombard them all and make them do what he wants to do (ie play xbox) or end up playing on his tablet and ignoring everyone.

Ugh I hate having to make these decisions. I don't necessarily like people in my house, or socializing, so this is completely out of my comfort zone as well. I certainly don't want to be left baby sitting these children because he's not playing with them. I hate trying to entertain ppl, I have a hard time talking to ppl let alone entertaining them.

Sounds like we have a whole slew of issues here.

Well his step brother will be there but he won't be satisfied with that. Unfortunately I have no friends either and the only one I do have has small children that he has no interest in playing with.

No cousins either.

I asked him if perhaps he would rather go to the new aquarium (ripleys) in the city instead but he's adamant that he wants this sleep over party. I am not worried about too many kids being an issue, he will likely bombard them all and make them do what he wants to do (ie play xbox) or end up playing on his tablet and ignoring everyone.

Ugh I hate having to make these decisions. I don't necessarily like people in my house, or socializing, so this is completely out of my comfort zone as well. I certainly don't want to be left baby sitting these children because he's not playing with them. I hate trying to entertain ppl, I have a hard time talking to ppl let alone entertaining them.

Sounds like we have a whole slew of issues here.

If the sleepover party is even an option (that others would attend), it may be worth it first to do just one or two kids as a sleepover party. The combo of a birthday party - where you expect to have 5+ kids and a sleepover, where there is an expectation of sustained social activity, is a lot to throw at a kid on the spectrum all at once.

He may not realize what he's getting into. You mention that he doesn't participate in activities when not interested, but at your own party it is pretty rude to not participate. It may be worthwhile to make this a part of the deal. You come up with a list of 20 party games, he picks his 5 favorite, and then you/the other kids pick another 5. If he wants to have the party, then he has to agree to participate in each of the 10 games for at least 5 minutes each (after which he can choose to sit out if he wants). If he's not willing to accept a deal like that, then he may not really be ready to have a sleepover party (and maybe he just thinks he wants it because it's what everyone else does).

Regarding the attendance numbers, it may happen, and it may upset him. If it does you may have to have a talk with him. I would focus his attention on the number of kids that did show up, and make it clear to him (even before inviting people) that usually sleepover parties have fewer people than regular birthday parties. It may also be worthwhile (not at the party, but at a later date) to have a frank discussion about some of his mildly socially inappropriate behaviors and how they may be affecting his social life. If you do go into this, be specific about the behaviors, and make it clear that the problem is not who he is, but rather a few mistakes he's made.

Do you think it would be possible to get a list of potential invitees (tell your son you are thinking about it, and having a list will help you decide), and then try to discreetly talk to their parents to find out how their children feel about the relationship and if they would want to attend (ask the parents to stay discreet, as well; hopefully they are decent people who you can trust).

I've had plenty of kids attend my son's parties who didn't consider him a friend, but talked their way into an invitation anyway, because they just wanted to be at a party. Or knew we threw good parties As long as they brought gifts and let my son feel like the center of attention we decided not to mind. I always kept my eyes on those kids, of course (being unsure of their motives), but honestly they were fine; just happy to be there. The weirdest thing. Although ... much more difficult to keep an eye on them the entire time when its a sleepover. My son has never had a slumber party (much more popular with girls). That does complicate things a LOT, for it is so much more intimate.

Sometimes the best you can do for your kids is tell them outright everything you are thinking, give them information for a decision, and then let them take a fall if they are going to have to take a fall. You aren't going to be able to shield them from the realities of life forever ...

I'm actually more concerned about the party itself, and if it will overwhelm your son or turn into a meltdown when it does not go in accordance with the vision he has in mind (because of course it won't). You will have to make sure you have it well planned and keep the kids engaged in a steady stream of planned activities suitable to your son's needs. Much more likely to end up in conflict if you leave it open ended without a plan.

Are you involved at the school at all? Do you know and interact with these kid's families? I think one effect on attendance is simply if the kids feel they "know" you, the parent and host. If they feel comfortable with you because you've volunteered in the classroom, they are going to be more open to staying at your house even if they don't feel they know your son super well. And at ten parents aren't going to let their kids sleepover at homes if they don't know the family at all; it is a safety thing. More things to consider.

He has told you WHY he wants this so badly?
.

I realized there are many reasons this might not work, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway...You mentioned trying to convince him to go to a local aquarium. For my son's last birthday, he and I did a sleepover at an aquarium. It was ridiculously cool - to sleep among the tanks at night. I know they also have them at museums near us. The large drawbacks, though, are if he has sensory issues and it was expensive. Just thought it might give the sleepover experience without the potential for rejection.

I'm in the same boat with my oldest son. Last year's party was not well attended at all, and he was upset. Broke my heart. This year, I'm planning on a party at a local rock climbing place - something that will be attractive to kids in it's own right - and will plan it for a Saturday evening, or maybe Sunday, when sports activities are likely not scheduled.

Maybe you can plan an activity that will be attractive to kids in general, and then throw the spend the night party on top of it.

I wish we didn't live In such a small town because there's nothing here like any of what was mentioned.

The aquarium is $20 a kid and $30 an adult, so it could only be him and I for cost reasons, plus it's 300km+ away.

I will have to discuss this further with him tonight.
It's hard to talk to him because he gets so frustrated with questions and he's mad after a while.

I wish we didn't live In such a small town because there's nothing here like any of what was mentioned.

The aquarium is $20 a kid and $30 an adult, so it could only be him and I for cost reasons, plus it's 300km+ away.

I will have to discuss this further with him tonight.
It's hard to talk to him because he gets so frustrated with questions and he's mad after a while.

I wish we didn't live In such a small town because there's nothing here like any of what was mentioned.

The aquarium is $20 a kid and $30 an adult, so it could only be him and I for cost reasons, plus it's 300km+ away.

I will have to discuss this further with him tonight.
It's hard to talk to him because he gets so frustrated with questions and he's mad after a while.

I don't know if this helps, but my daughter used to have sleepovers fairly often (older siblings did,too). Sometimes it seemed less overwhelming because it was highly structured and she followed a schedule. Thing is, she always had trouble getting to sleep and often slept with us or a sibling. When friends were over one at a time, this was a bit of a problem, but with more than one we had everyone sleep in sleeping bags in the living room. I made it clear to my daughter that as soon as her friends were asleep (long before she would have been anyway) she could go into her own room or ours until morning. If she felt anxious, I would go and sit on the couch and text her until the others fell asleep.
I found it worked pretty well.
J.
PS I think the story about kids getting themselves invited is funny... My dh and I were just talking about a boy who paid for his admission into the activity and paid for his food at my son's party, because we had used the excuse that we could only afford a certain number. He was a cute kid, and very appreciative! (We didn't take his money.)

What about having a Pokemon themed party that he can invite as many kids as he wants to (the theme will likely get quite a few "hits") and then work with the teacher to identify only 1-2 boys to have sleep over, but on a different night? You can sell it by saying it is like having 2 parties, increase the likelihood that kids will come because it is "themed" with something popular with 10 year old boys, and decrease the likelihood that the sleepover part will be problematic by selectively targeting kids who will likely agree and who are good matches for your son.

If it helps, up until this last year (his 12th birthday) my son has always invited most--if not all--of his classmates to his party, but usually only a handful show up. He has never cared , so for some kids, this is not an issue.

I dont think he's into Pokemon now, it was just an example of something he was really into in the past.

We went to Party City and picked up some stuff yesterday (of which we ended up paying $0 for - completely diff story lol) and he went with Phinias and Ferb (i probably spelled that wrong) - so we got the invites, the party bag fillers and will likely get a matching cake done up.

I was very clear with him on the drive to the city that just because he INVITES 6 kids, doesn't mean that they will all come because it's been a rough winter and many people are in a rut financially (around here - hydro bills have doubled... beyond the usual winter doubling) and that just because he INVITES 3 kids to sleep over, doesn't mean their parents will let them -> he's a new kid at the school and their parents don't know me from a hole in the wall, unless they have been witness to some of my community outreach work or event planning and know that I am a highly educated, responsible parent.

We're gonna do this thing... im just hoping it goes well.

Good luck!

*Just curious: why a sleepover? Is it typical for your area? I think for his first party, just some pizza and games or movies would be easier. People might be less likely to want to come spend the whole night if they're not familiar with your family.

Aren't the three kids who get invited to the party but not the sleepover going to feel left out?