I'm standing up to my abusive family, and I need your help

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Thanks for the answers! We are still doing OK, no bad signs so far. It's a bit of a relief that things are at least playing out a bit differently this time. We'll see what the doctor says soon ...

There's still a lot to be said about my family, but as things are still quite uncertain I think I'll simply put the old stuff on hold for a bit. Today was a holiday here in Japan, and both my wife and I could get some well-deserved rest. Tomorrow, of all things, I have to take a PCR/corona-test, as a person in my office was infected not long ago.

You are getting a FREE Covid test?
Count your blessings!!
There are LINES here, at every testing site!
Please stop reading emails from your toxic family.
Please automatically delete their posts.
Please live your new life.

The company pays for me, since the person infected was a coworker.
A test costs ~26 USD. Today there were no lines, you could just walk in and take it in 5 minutes. Yes, you're right, it's fortunate!

Pregnancy is still ongoing, but at high-risk for failure. The hormone levels in the mother's blood should rise according to a certain multiplier. We're still not below the cutoff, but dangerously close. Thus new checks on Monday. Quite a nail-biter.

Deleted the emails received so far.

I thought I should return to this thread for advice. I haven't been back to my home country in almost 2.5 years now and since the last time I posted in this thread I became a dad myself and quit speaking to my brothers (one 3 years older, one 10 years younger).

I did end up reconnecting to my parents again. Although I guard my boundaries now they have made efforts to improve. We can have "ok" conversations now and I can keep the manipulation at bay. I did feel kind of lost in the months when there was no contact, like I didn't know where I came from or where I was going.

Now with the pandemic "over" in the sense that travel is becoming easier, I'm flying back to Scandinavia in a week.

I will mostly spend my time there alone or with old friends from school, but I can't completely avoid interaction with my family. I'm mostly ok with seeing my parents, but I'd rather keep my interaction with my brothers to a minimum. The reason is that in my opinion our upbringing was chaotic, filled with verbal abuse and alcoholism, but my brothers don't share that view and "defend" our parents against me, singling me out as the black sheep only causing trouble to everyone.

I mean, there were times when my mom threatened us with a kitchen knife and jumped off the second floor to kill herself and blame us for it, and I really don't think that's ok. She had a mental illness at the time, but still ... and my dad, on the other hand, was completely absent during my childhood, being drunk basically every single day after coming home from work. He's been sober for over ten years now and wants to make amends, but he's still quite a rough type with little understanding of other people's emotions, including mine.

My question is, do you think I'm being too hard on my brothers? Am I the bad one for not wanting to "make up"? Am I the one bringing discord to the family now and just need to "get back in line" and "forget the past"?

If I have to meet my brothers again, how should I behave towards them, especially if they're giving me a hard time with not staying in contact? I'd rather not meet them at all, tbh, but it seems likely I have to.

Grateful for all input. Will give more details if necessary.

We're all different with these things, and do what's comfortable for you.

My father was a psychopathic drug addict and dealer and that life came back on the family. He was violent and beat me when I was a kid (on the positive side, it taught me how to position myself so blows don't hit as hard). I'd probably still talk to him if he tried to contact me. Not that he will. I'm only really mad at him with how he treated my mother, and I probably let him off too easy there when I became a man. I guess he taught me not to really care about myself, and that'll be why I'm not too perturbed with how he treated me, which in a way, had some positives in my life.

Hi:
I just read your post and I understand because I had to do the same thing with my family because they were abusive to me as well. In fact, I decided that when I was 17, I knew the choice would be to get away from them and start a new life someone where. I also stood up to my family members before and I have been accused of being the one who has a problem and that I victimize myself. They also accuse me of being the one who is abusive because I attempted to stand up for myself by fighting back. Why? Because they bullied me and wouldn't respect my boundaries. However, I decided it's not worth it to go back and continue getting myself upset because my family members are immature and irresponsible.

In all honesty, you are doing the right thing by going in no contact with them because abusive people are very immature and often don't have the capability to own up to the way they treat others. As for them telling you how they are sad and they miss you, don't fall for that. It's love bombing because they have an agenda. Why? They are often very insecure and unhappy and probably want to make you feel bad because they feel bad.

I do feel better the more distance I keep from my brothers. I don't keep any apps or social media to stay connected to them, which is a relief. I'm just quite concerned about meeting them in person, but hopefully they've got the message. Tbh, if they give me the cold shoulder I'm quite happy with that, because I don't need to waste any time ruminating about past things anymore.

I've also been planning to see some old friends instead. It feels better because these are people I bonded with without being forced to, as is the case with family. I hope I can use that as an excuse to avoid my brothers as much as possible for now, though in all honesty, if sometime in the far future they attempt to try to meet me at least halfway, I might reciprocate even though I'd be very guarded about doing so.

I guess setting boundaries and sticking to them is something you both can and should do in dysfunctional families ...

I know. They're just upset that someone has "abandoned ship" and wants that person back again so that the (unhealthy) family dynamics can continue as before. They don't want what's best for me, but what feels best to them. It's always convenient to have a scapegoat to compare yourself against so your life seems better.

I am done letting people go around mentioning every little thing I do/say like I'm their little puppet and I'm done letting people shove their anti-LGBTQ+ beliefs on me. It is beyond exhausting when people try to shove these beliefs on me. It's pretty much "religious" indoctrination. To make things even worse, people think I'm crazy and they're trying to "normalize" me. Most of the adults in my family are a bunch of fossils who would rather have a dead child than an LGBTQ+ child. The adults in my family are super bossy and controlling and I don't see God when I see them, I see people who think they're better than me so they apply double standards to me. I feel like they care more about how I make them look than how they make me feel. I feel like they're not letting me vent and I must put my life on the line to live up to their standards. I feel like they're expecting me to be happy all the time. I feel like they're secretly jealous of my autism and how expressive I am. I feel like nothing I do is ever okay and that people play parent with me just to gain a marriage out of it. Having to deal with people who are super bossy and controlling is so frustrating. I don't want to have to be discriminatory against the LGBTQ+ Community in order to get the job, it's disgusting. When people tell me, "You have got to stop ___________," or something on the lines of it, it makes me feel like they're trying to control me like I've got to stop whatever I'm doing whether or not I want to like it's their job to just threaten me. I feel like they see every wrong in my actions like I'm naughty. I don't want to hear anyone say that I'm being ridiculous when I speak my truth and have proof of it. The reason something I did would annoy them is because I have a personality they can't handle. I feel like I must put my life on the line to live up to their standards. I feel like I can't tell them anything anymore. They clearly want me to let them puppet me. Forced joy and suppressed emotions can lead to sarcasm. I feel like they don't want me sticking up for myself. The double standards I have to live by are making my life hell and I know I'm going there in the afterlife. I feel like everyone is denying me a chance to housebreak animals. They are clearly hurt by me sticking up for myself and I'm going to hell if I keep sticking up for myself. I'm clearly not normal because I have autism. I would rather "wash" my mouth out with soap than tell my family how I feel. If my family was more like Jazz Jennings' family, I would be able to express myself freely and I would be lucky to have the perfect family. My family is going to tell me that anxiety, depression, and PTSD aren't real, they are real. If my family let me have a dog, then, I would do whatever I can to live my life to the fullest. The standard my family has is to let them puppet me.