Could these traits suggest mild autism or Asperger’s??

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Hi everyone,

I’m in a relationship with someone whose behavior has made me curious for a while now. I’m wondering if some of what I’m noticing might align with high-functioning autism or Asperger’s — though I’m not trying to label or diagnose, just looking for some insight from people who might recognize these traits or have personal experience.

Here are some patterns I’ve observed:

He doesn’t believe in comforting others unless there’s something concrete he can do. To him, words of encouragement feel pointless if they don’t fix the problem.

He generally avoids socializing and finds it exhausting or pointless, unless there's a clear benefit or obligation. That said, when he does engage, he can be extremely polite, warm, and even charming — which is part of what drew me to him at first.

He avoids eye contact with strangers and chooses seats in public where he won’t face people directly.

He’s highly sensitive to smells — some cause nausea or discomfort.

He always wears headphones and listens to music, even for short walks alone.

He’s very rule-oriented — even in romantic relationships. Everything is seen as two-sided and contractual, with clear expectations and fairness.

He doesn’t really connect with poetry, and seems confused by figurative or abstract expressions. He tends to take things literally, and if I say something vaguely or casually, he gets frustrated.

Certain sounds, like two fabrics rubbing together, really bother him.

Unless I explicitly ask him to do something, he won’t intuitively offer help — even if it seems obvious between close partners. And even if he helps once, I have to ask again next time for similar tasks.

His facial expressions can seem flat when everyone’s laughing. Then suddenly he might laugh, then go back to neutral within a second — almost like switching masks.

He doesn’t seem to have a strong sense of personal identity — many of his views and habits feel like copies of his parents.

He strongly dislikes being touched by strangers in public, and even in private, he has a fixed “quota” for physical affection like hugging.

He’s obsessed with cleanliness and is even sensitive to dust in the air.

At the same time, he’s emotionally very sharp — especially with me. He can tell how I’m feeling just from my face or tone. He’s honest, caring, and sometimes much better at expressing his emotions than I am. So sometimes I wonder: if this were autism, how can he be so emotionally perceptive?

I’m not trying to label him, but I’d really appreciate hearing if any of this sounds familiar or resonates with your own experience. Thanks in advance.

Does he struggle with any of this

You sound like you want to help to understand him rather than fix him and that's really cool

I'm sorry your relationship has been under pressure

I hope you can get the answers you're looking for

I mean it's difficult to know but the traits could lead to asperger syndrome or it could just be him

Sorry I can't be of any more help than that

It seems that some of those are Asperger's. But ADHD can present itself in those sorts of ways too. You don't have to be the loud life and soul of the party type to have ADHD, in fact a lot of ADHDers can have social anxiety and avoid social situations.

You're not supposed to call it Asperger's anymore because Hans Asperger was a Nazi. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2001 when it was still acceptable, but now I usually refer to it as ASD.

I don't like the phrase "mild autism", at all and really hate the phrase "high functioning autism". I've joked that I'm more spicy than mild, but then I heard someone refer to themselves as "neurospicy", which sounded cringy and as if the person is faking.

Also it's acceptable to drink Fanta and drive a Volkswagen, which were both invented by Nazis.

I'm sorry that doesn't answer any of your questions, this is just my way of "relating" to other people.

① Perhaps you could hint at the discussion by comparing him to successful people on the Autism Spectrum?
Have you asked him about successful people on the Autism Spectrum?

② Have you tried taking AQ on his behalf? (Answering questions the way you think he should.)
Perhaps ask him to take AQ?

P.S. Not all Autistics know they are Autistic. I did not even suspect I might be Autistic until I was 64.

That all sounds very familiar to my lived experience.

I was diagnosed autistic two years ago, at age 29/30. If I were diagnosed prior to 2013, I would have been diagnosed with Asperger's, but the DSM V that came out in 2013 combined Aspergers (and other autism-related diagnoses) into Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It is very possible to have Asperger's or HFA (high functioning autism) and not know it. I denied the possibility for years, even though multiple people told me I could be on the spectrum. It is also possible to learn to mimic social skills from others. It doesn't come innately to us, but in many cases we can learn.