Talking to professionals is difficult

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I don't fully know why. I just can't talk about certain things sometimes. I have a hard time knowing how I feel. I've had professionals not understand me. Ive been asked if I am using drugs because my paranoia would go down and then spike. They've been confused by fluctuations in my self esteem. Honestly I struggle with how I perceive myself because often I don't really understand myself. Also they've been annoyed with me for going off topic and avoiding questions. Ive been a bit argumentative too. Ive been lectured because I'm not supposed to drink too much coffee.

I got very anxious in the waiting room too. I start thinking they're talking about me and then I think people are mad at me etc. then I'm just so anxious in the appointment that I just want it to be over. I don't have any professional care right now because I was avoidant and told them I was doing well. I just think I need it back because my anxiety, paranoia has been increasing and I literally have no Dr or psychiatrist .

Hang in There Crystal . Know just what you mean about anxiety in dealing with new therapist ,no matter how they are
titled . And alwsys woild have hoped for someone ,I could talk to as a friend . But I mess thst up too cause,people seem to only want to be around ,Happy people it seems. And after enough time has passed of dealing with various specialists
Am not wanting to be very trusting of them. If a person has not known you for many years. It is very hard to give them context of your own feelings, but I think they need that. In order to help anyone. But when situations feel kinda hard or even desperate . You sometimes gotta do what you have to do. And if you do not feel comfortable or feel threatened (even alittle)by ANY therapist or Psyche people , you have the right to ask for a change of Therapist or person providing mental health services. More than once ,if necessary. Please take care of you .
PS : inbetween times of therapists did alot of reading about philosophy , There are even Philosophical ones on Utube now.
Perdonally I enjoy a good cup of coffee, but with a balanced diet,Food, Protiens..etc.