Holding grudges for years

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hello, all...I don't think there's a way to post to each individual-if there is, would u let me know? For now, I'll try to put it all in here. Aardvark: Thank u! I do want to validate his feelings, but w/o encouraging his thoughts about causing harm to her. He is a gentle soul, and couldn't actually hurt anyone, I don't think, but I'd like to steer him away from thinking that way. Besides journaling, I was thinking about asking her if he wanted to write her a letter. He continued on in HS with some of the kids that he felt bullied by, and I think he has let it go with them because they changed their behaviors...and he had no more contact w/ her to have the chance to see her outside of that hallway situation.
Major Major: You are right that I haven't been totally honest and have been manipulating in my hopes to help my son, who is quite immature and naïve. It's a struggle to help someone who doesn't want help, and am so very worried about his future. His repetitive behaviors cause him to be quite slow in his school work program, and I'd love for him to do something meaningful after HS.
ASD mommy: You are right-no danger in him acting this out. I'm still not sure how I feel about the therapist-she's still trying to get to know him...having no experience w/ therapy, I'm not sure how long it might be expected to take. I will ask him later today about the journaling.
DW a mom (sorry-I jotted stuff down right before bed last night, and may be mangling names) Thank you for these thoughts-they are very helpful, and I'll give some thought to these rules.
Soccerzz Thank you-it was actually originally our idea because he doesn't see his OCD tendencies as a problem, so said no to getting help...and she doesn't want him to, "go backwards" because he's upset with us.

I appreciate every for helping me think this thru!

hello, all...I don't think there's a way to post to each individual-if there is, would u let me know? For now, I'll try to put it all in here. Aardvark: Thank u! I do want to validate his feelings, but w/o encouraging his thoughts about causing harm to her. He is a gentle soul, and couldn't actually hurt anyone, I don't think, but I'd like to steer him away from thinking that way. Besides journaling, I was thinking about asking her if he wanted to write her a letter. He continued on in HS with some of the kids that he felt bullied by, and I think he has let it go with them because they changed their behaviors...and he had no more contact w/ her to have the chance to see her outside of that hallway situation.
Major Major: You are right that I haven't been totally honest and have been manipulating in my hopes to help my son, who is quite immature and naïve. It's a struggle to help someone who doesn't want help, and am so very worried about his future. His repetitive behaviors cause him to be quite slow in his school work program, and I'd love for him to do something meaningful after HS.
ASD mommy: You are right-no danger in him acting this out. I'm still not sure how I feel about the therapist-she's still trying to get to know him...having no experience w/ therapy, I'm not sure how long it might be expected to take. I will ask him later today about the journaling.
DW a mom (sorry-I jotted stuff down right before bed last night, and may be mangling names) Thank you for these thoughts-they are very helpful, and I'll give some thought to these rules.
Soccerzz Thank you-it was actually originally our idea because he doesn't see his OCD tendencies as a problem, so said no to getting help...and she doesn't want him to, "go backwards" because he's upset with us.

I appreciate every for helping me think this thru!

sorry that I have posted twice...twice. I get this message about an error, that makes me think that it hasn't posted. I also didn't realize that there were more posts today., and want to also that waterfall for thoughts about something possibly happening now that is bringing up old memories. I thought he was saying that he has been thinking about it all of these years, but that might not be the case.

He probably has thought about it off and on all these years. But dark thoughts about the past preoccupy a person more when things are tough in the present or there is a reminder of the past. And it may help distract him from pointless ruminating if he can focus on solving a problem or getting help in the present.

I want to say I'm all for honesty, but finding a way to describe therapy and a therapist to a very naive young person isn't only about full disclosure. You have to find the balance between complete honesty with the words you use and honestly communicating intent. The initial intent of a therapist SHOULD be to learn more about the person before jumping in trying to change things. If your child has negative feelings about the word "therapist" based maybe on a problem with a past or present service provider, what you are saying might be more honest communication than using the word therapist if it leads to misunderstanding. There's a middle ground, too, of finding a different word.

I use the word counselor and avoid the negative reaction my daughter has to the word therapist. That way there is no deceit. Maybe you can find a middle ground too.

This sort of absolute judgment of others can be brought on by failing to understand another's perspective, which is a feature of ASD. Neurotypical people often get angry, see things with anger glasses, and then cool down and start to understand situations from others' perspectives. This perspective taking makes it easy to forgive people. Without that, it is very easy to see other's actions in morally black and white terms. This in turn makes it difficult to forgive others. Then that hyper-focus that is so common in ASDs helped him latch onto a specific moment, and he is having a hard time letting go.

So what do you do about it? He may have a deficit in understanding others' perspectives, but with the right sort of practice, this could improve. I think the most important element to practice is understanding why people do things. It may be worthwhile asking your son, when he is not upset about a specific wrong done to him, why he thinks another person may have done something. Start with simple things, like "Why do you think that guy ordered a hamburger?" Then try to come up with a lot of possible answers. "Maybe he's really hungry, maybe it's his favorite food, maybe he's an anxious eater and is feeling anxious about something, maybe he was too busy or lazy to cook today." Try to do this with him, so he can come up with as many answers as possible. The goal is for him to understand that there are usually a lot of possible reasons that people do things, and it's not always easy for us to know them, so we should try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Once he gets this concept, you can start applying it to things that are actually troubling him about the way that others have dealt with him. Good luck!

Thanks so much Waterfalls and Emilemulder. You have given me a lot of food for thought!! I really appreciate it!!

It is so hard to get some children on the spectrum (and some NT kids, too) to share their feelings. We start validating their feelings when they are young, saying things like "I bet you're angry at me for doing that. I would be angry if my mother told me I couldn't play because it was time to leave." Maybe they didn't understand them at the time, but we made sure we were calm enough to transmit the message that feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE, that it was OK to feel whatever they were feeling. With my daughter on the spectrum, we noticed that too much talk was overkill, so we would just make short statements or ask questions like "Are you frustrated?" and then just nod.
It sounds to me like your son may be feeling ashamed about his feelings or think they are inappropriate, so he has been trying not to express them. I would try to get him to talk by agreeing with him... Remember, you are showing approval for him talking or expressing or feeling whatever it is, not agreeing that the reaction is logical or proportionate. He might want to talk about it a lot or repeat the same thing over and over again for a while, but with a bit of luck he will be able to become less overwhelmed by the feeling. And if you feel able to communicate it is normal to be hurt and angry when people you trust do things you don't like or understand, that's a bonus.
I don't know if it is just my daughter, but she often thinks I am being critical when I am not. All my other kids seem to know I've got their backs, but she frequently tells me not to be mad. Maybe your son thinks you are upset with his reaction?
J.