What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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How much longer before dictator dump launches a literal war against Canada? It's pretty P.O.ed at that ad with Ronnie Reagan, even though it's (mostly) true. Or because it is. I also heard it's building a ballroom in the white house. Anything to distract people from the Epstein files, huh?

Seriously, should I start prepping for when the dump and its drones comes to terrorize us?

My aunt knows of a family who had a daughter, and when she was 1 she was such a clever little girl, would play with you and giggle and offer you her toys. She was such a joy to babysit. Then when she hit around 20 months she suddenly began to lose that cheeky little personality. Her parents thought she was just sickening for something, but when it went on for a few weeks and she wasn't showing any physical signs of illness, they became worried. The babysitter no longer enjoyed looking after her because all she'd do was scream and cry and not engage with you at all. It was like having a completely different child. By her second birthday she had changed completely, and the parents had to take her to psychiatrists, and it didn't take long for them to diagnose her with autism.
While the parents were glad to have an answer, they were devastated because of how she used to be and they felt like they had lost their child to a completely different one who wasn't theirs. They had to get used to a new way of life. They couldn't go on family outings any more without the child having meltdowns over things nobody could control. The child was withdrawn and like she was locked inside her own head, and nobody could get through to her. She had to attend a special school, which was difficult because there was none in their area, so they had to drive about ten miles to the nearest special school. She was still in diapers at age 6 and didn't seem to be learning any social skills, despite being taught at school. It was an isolating, miserable existence for both the child and her family. And when the child turned 12 she became aggressive and violent and had to be sent away to a group home or something like that and be looked after. It was heartbreaking.

The family loved their child unconditionally of course, and they tried anything they could to give her a good life, but at the same time they were devastated that their sociable, thriving toddler turned out to be a different child who they couldn't engage with no matter what they did. The mother became depressed, and the father couldn't cope with her emotional declination so they divorced. The father had the daughter every weekend but all she did was scream and cry in a corner and wouldn't engage or do anything else.

While it's not the autistic person's fault, can you see how autism can really be horrific and devastating and break happy, loving families up? Sometimes no matter what you do, autism can be so severe that there's just no helping them. And it's worse when the child starts off as a normal, thriving baby, only to suddenly turn into this stranger who the family would never really get to know.

I mean, while I was a challenging child, at least I still had social skills, could engage well with others, form close bonds with my parents, siblings, cousins, etc, could easily express myself, went to mainstream school, engaged in social activities, was affectionate, sociable, and in many ways just a normal kid; rode my bike with other children, watched cartoons after school, had sleepovers, enjoyed family outings and vacations, went swimming during the summer holidays, had a normal sense of danger so didn't need to be constantly watched...the list goes on and on. So at least my parents and siblings did have a normal life with me.

I actually got more challenging as I got older, because my hyperactivity became more about excessive expressing of emotions and poor emotional regulation. So I'd erupt, "fly off the handle", when it came to triggers such as exposure to fears like social isolation. I'd take it all out on my mother, by yelling, complaining, slamming doors, arguing, etc. No physical violence though, but I still managed to upset the household. Then I developed a fear of snow in my early 20s and became extremely distressed and angry whenever snow was forecasted. I seemed to have developed a stupid irrational belief that if I yelled at my mother enough the snow would magically disappear. The fear came from slipping over on some ice and having strangers laughing at me in the street. Ever since then, I developed social anxiety in public places and felt that I was conspicuous, and snow would trigger this as I was scared to walk out to work in it. It became a problem, and my family would dread every winter because of this.

I cried today because October is over in front of a few people at the flea market. Talk about acting like a German. I'm sure those dolts won't let me forget it, either.

I went to bed at seven o'clock tonight and woke up at half past twelve at midnight.

I briefly felt that the things I clung to were useless, including memories of junior high school and college, including that I wanted to keep all the books I had read, including that I wanted to think about new furniture after my job was stable.

I imagine that there is another shore in time, and when I get there, everything is wonderful and no longer changes.

Heaven doesn't exist, and neither does the shore.

I know I'm wrong, but I don't know what's right.Throwing away memories and experiences won't make me any better.But keeping them makes me a fool.

There is a quip on the Internet:Half-fools are the most uncomfortable: they can't really be as carefree as a fool, and they can't act intelligently.

When I revisited this post, I was not satisfied with the conclusion of my thinking, which I thought was a profound insight.

I want to get a proper lifestyle and attitude.Will this be another impossible shore to reach?

i do not like or understand how "most people" could act so carefree and relaxed, while i am so uptight and constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

a couple times, i asked lot attendant adam w to please load something for me (because i am not strong enough to lift it) and adam w had the nerve to answer with a joke. but more than once, customers have had the nerve to go looking for me, while i was looking for more servants to help them load or unload their stupid lil merchandise. and then the customers had the nerve to bark @ me for taking too much time.

meanwhile, adam acted like he had nothing to worry about in the solar system. he works in the same company, building, and job title as me. financially, he is in the same boat as me.

sometimes, even the homeless act so uninhibited and happy.

i do not understand or like how or why they do that.

Long time alone and online dating made me almost forget about Asperger's syndrome.
Until just now, when my girlfriend was angry, I saw the help post of the parents of autistic children.I think it all makes sense.
When I was a kid, I didn't like to look people in the eye, I liked to whisper, and I liked to play with assembly toys.At the time, I thought I had a lot of social interaction, but looking back, it was just a few social interactions.
The good news is that as long as I don't interact with people, life looks good and tolerable.

(I was cluttering up the empathy thread but this is in response to that.)

When my sister E. died my mother said I was parroting. I couldn't cry or look sad because parroting was disrespectful, so I was very impassive.

Then we went up for the funeral. My sister R. had been missing but she roared up at the last minute on the back of a motorbike... in a leather jacket (I'm a bit distracted by how cool she was.) She took one look at me and my impassive face and hugged me and said I'm sorry, I know, we were her sisters. That was one of the most important moments of my life.

I am pretty sure I thought my sisters had magical powers. But that was just empathy, huh.

If that is empathy I do get that that is something I feel for others.

Over the next several years I became extremely sensitive to moods, first my mother's and then someone else's. It was like I knew what they were feeling before they themselves reacted to it. If they emoted, I felt it in my own body.

That is not empathy. That is hypervigilance. But I'm not sure how I would explain the difference, because it is emotional attunement in either case, no?

And there is a third thing, which is technically sympathy, not empathy: having emotions of my own in response to someone else's emotions. That is also a thing that happens to me.

complicated.

I am wondering how you are doing, Tamaya I hope your day got a bit better.

Just had the police around again about my neighbour above. Seems he's been hospitalised. Just wish he'd be a bit nicer to his neighbours and then he wouldn't get so much aggro.

My life is caught in a vicious cycle: trying to restart my life—failing and then playing on my phone—trying to restart my life again. I know many people are like this, I just don't like it.