I used to have Aspergers, now I just really hate people...

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Ralou
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24 Aug 2009, 1:40 pm

I've known for years I had Aspergers. In my twenties, I realized I had ADhD, and went to see a psychologist (for a grand total of one visit). For a long time, the Adderall my doctor gave me helped me with my social problems, or at least gave me the energy to deal with them, (and before Adderal, I took ephedra, and if it wasn't illegal now I'd try it again to see if that might still work).

Even when I was on my medication, me attempting to be sociable was like an athlete with two broken kneecaps trying to run a marathon. Awkward and painful to watch, not to mention what it feels like to try! At best, being around people is like being poked with a sharp stick. And they seem to feel the same way about me.

I don't want to do it anymore. I won't do it. Hell with all of them, and their expectations, demands, and general peopleness. I'm done pretending to be normal. Now I hate everyone. When I go out of the house for food, I go through the drivethrough when I'm hungry or white-knuckle the shopping cart through the grocery store at breakneck speed, then either U-Scan or practice how I'll be pleasant to the cashier while waiting in line. I didn't even go see my brother, his wife, and my new niece in the hospital after she was born because, well, people. Nurses, doctors, and patients and such.

Next week, someone is coming to my house for a prescreen, then, if this individual decides I might have Aspergers, apparantly, I get to have an evaluation.

Major problem! I have to TALK to people to get help for not wanting to talk to (or look at, or hear, or be within two closed doors of) another human being? And I'm going to have to be nice enough to convince these people that I'm not a dangerous sociopath, even though I will be if I ever again have to stand behind a cash register and smile at people for a living.

Frankly, I'm terrified they're just going to break out the straightjacket and completely ignore everything I say about how I've never been good with people, tried my best, failed, and only now am depressed and absolutely loathe people. I'm afraid they're going to look at me, age 37 and in the first complete, non-functioning meltdown of my life, and decide I'm just depressed or maybe psychotic. And if I try to convince them otherwise, I'm afraid they'll think I'm faking for a specific diagnosis that's now well-known because of news stories and such.

Wah wah. Ok whatever, guess worse things have happened to better people. I hate this, but maybe it won't be as bad as I think. So, is there a brain scanning study or something available yet that I can go beg, borrow, or steal my way into so I can get 'proof' that I have Aspergers and don't have to talk to these idiot shrinks to convince them? I want a bright, shiny picture of my brain not working right!

Anyway, was reading the "You might be an Aspie if..." thread, and came up with a few:

You might be an Aspie if...

You're 12, and you attempt to practice a few freshly-learned social pleasantries at a funeral, and wonder why no one will answer when you say (repeatedly) "It's nice seeing everybody, but I hope next time it's under pleasanter circumstances."

You play an MMORPG, but even after two months in the game, you have no one on your friend's list, and your sole form of social interaction is helping people kill things and bossing your team in capture the flag.

You've edited your first post at least six times, and you still aren't satisfied, but if you don't stop and hit submit, you'll delete the whole thing and never come back to this forum again.

After you post, you will feel you shared too much with all these faceless strangers, and may never come back anyway. It's not like they'll even understand you or anything, and they'll probably hate you.

Your friends and classmates call you "Crazy _____" to differentiate you from the other people they know named "_______"

You already know you're going to end up alone in an apartment with cats, and you've decided to limit yourself strictly to two, spaid or neutered, as gender demands.

You spend two and a half years dating someone who speaks almost no English (and you don't speak his language too well either), just so you'll have an excuse for having communication problems. It's not that weird a dating situation anyway, you always knew you learned people as a second language.

In grad school, you chase down your professors after class to discuss a subject in more depth, make good grades the first semester, then quit rather than continue sharing a dorm with three other women.

People you work with in the factory ask you why you're working there when you're smart enough to be somewhere else ("always reading and stuff"), and you know it's because you'd rather pack things in boxes all day for minimum wage than talk to anyone.

You have owned two editions of the DSM, solely for the enjoyment of diagnosing friends, family, and passing strangers.

The thought of a dry towel on a damp mirror or window makes your teeth and fingernails itch. (Just typing this has me running my tongue over my teeth and pressing down on my nails with my thumbs...ok, maybe this one is just me.)



whitetiger
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24 Aug 2009, 2:39 pm

Going in for an AS eval when you already know what you have is tough. Nobody listened to me at first, either. Just move on to a more educated professional if no one sees what you see. Experts have always agreed on my diagnosis, but the first dumb-ass who assessed me couldn't see it.


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Ralou
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24 Aug 2009, 2:46 pm

whitetiger wrote:
Going in for an AS eval when you already know what you have is tough. Nobody listened to me at first, either. Just move on to a more educated professional if no one sees what you see. Experts have always agreed on my diagnosis, but the first dumb-ass who assessed me couldn't see it.


Oh no, that's exactly what I was afraid of. I have no job, no insurance, no money, and I live in the States. The first person I see may be the only person I get to see unless I run down the street naked screaming that the ETs are coming to steal my ovaries in order to get admitted to an institution (and I'm not going to do that, because the idea of being checked in somewhere with locked doors and lots of people around is worse than anything else I can think of).

I guess I just have to hope that the first person I see doesn't sound like as much of a chirpy, young fool as she sounded on the phone. Great... just great. Thanks for the advice tho, I'll see if I can figure out how to bang down some doors to see someone with a Dr. in front of their name if this person coming out to the house is clueless.



exhausted
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24 Aug 2009, 2:57 pm

i don't know what else to say, except: you sound like me when i get really depressed. i hate everyone and everything and i get really irritable with both the world and with my own various traits and symptoms.

(i take medication for it, the depression. it helps at least take the edge off. don't know if that's any help or not.)

ps: re your first "you might be an aspie if... what's wrong with saying that? and why won't people respond?

i think i'm joking, but not really. i still say things like that at funerals and such.

good luck to you. hope the evaluation leads to resources leads to less depression leads to..

better days to you!



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24 Aug 2009, 3:01 pm

Welcome to the forum, Ralou, I'm new here myself.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm younger than you (22), so I haven't reached the level of exhaustion you have, but I can definitely see where you're coming from.

To be honest, I have reached the point you describe of wanting to 'give up' many times in my life, and am currently feeling that way (one of the reasons I joined this forum). Recently, I got a great job opportunity and I put my full effort into being liked and making a good impression and just generally being a 'normal', functioning member of society. I worked my ass off talking to people and being sociable to the point where I'd come home mentally drained and unable to talk for hours. People still thought I was 'too quiet'.

Now, at my new job, I just don't even bother anymore. I stand alone in a corner pretending to be busy. I understand what you say about dating someone who doesn't know English, because at this new job most of the people I work with don't speak very much English. Some customers comment on how I must not feel like I fit in, to which I think "at least I have a reason.". The others I cannot relate to. They are women somewhat older than me and all they care about is gossip and weddings and babies. Do you ever feel even more isolated being female? I find I can relate to men better than women in general.

I'm likely going to return to my 'good' job and eventually land a full-time position. I won't have to talk to people very much then. It's an office job. I really like it. I can be alone all day and get paid good money and have a routine again. I already have a boyfriend who is not usual either. I've got a best friend who I can relate to an incredible degree. I'm thinking that's just good enough. I know it looks weird not to have many friends. I don't have a facebook for this reason. But it's just so exhausting and depressing. I feel so hopeless sometimes.

Anyway, I kind of went on about myself there. I really hope you don't leave these forums. I had the same feelings you describe with my first post. But I decided to stay because I think it would be good for me to gain some insight and these forums are a good place to do that. Also so I don't bore my boyfriend with my issues as much.

I also am ambivalent about getting a formal diagnoses. I don't want to scare you, but when I was 13 the fears you describe actually happened to me, and I don't want to risk it again. However others here say that won't happen, as an adult. I also wonder what the benefit would really be. I already know I'm not normal, or 'wired' differently. I know that I have to work hard to function in a way most people will never understand. Slapping a label on it wont change anything.



Last edited by M-Chan on 26 Aug 2009, 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lelia
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24 Aug 2009, 3:16 pm

Your post title cracked me up. I'm sorry the story that followed was not humorous at all. I hope that recognition of of your strengths and deficits will help you find a good place for yourself.
Knowing that I have AS meant a number of good things for me. One is that I now know that having groups reject me is not personal. I rub people the wrong way because of my timing etc. And telling people ahead of time that I won't recognize them the next time I meet has caused people to have a lot more mercy on me.
And I finally saw why my type of conversation irritates people as I watched past episodes of Bones and realized I talk like the doctor. Whoa.



Ralou
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24 Aug 2009, 3:27 pm

Thanks both of you, for saying hi.

Exhausted: Maybe it wasn't wrong to say that at the funeral. But I remember it now and wince, thinking how formal and wooden and false and just shallow it is to say something like that to someone whose (19 year old) son has just died. It wasn't me sympathizing or reaching out to comfort at all, it was me trying to mimic those things. I haven't entirely 'learned people' yet, but I think I've come a long way from when I was 12.

M-Chan: almost all my few friends throughout my life were male, and the rest were tomboys. I think that's why I used to pine for a boyfriend from a very young age. Someone to be close to, who would understand me. I never saw a female confidant fitting that role. Now I don't maintain relationships at all, though. I just don't want to be around people. I suppose it's depression on top of being socially clueless.

Your 'good job' sounds perfect, I'd love to work without other people around, but there just aren't any jobs like that here for a grad school dropout. Bosses seem to want to breathe down your neck night and day, and pack you in with as many coworkers as will fit. Most jobs are just customer service anyway. Which I'm not doing again. Ever. And I'm too old to go into computer programming now.

Anyway, I'm already as scared of headshrinkers as I can possibly be, and I expect the Southeastern United States, 'charity case' version is going to be even more ignorant than the average. In this state, even I probably have enough human services college credits to set myself up as a counselor, all nice and legal. I actually wanted to be a psychologist at one point, until I realized I would never really be able to help anyone, because I would never understand them or communicate so they could understand me.

I keep reading posts and just seeing myself in so many of them, not just the one liner stuff, either. But who knows, maybe I don't have aspergers. Maybe I have something never yet diagnosed and it will get named after me. Heh. Yay me.

Hi Lelia, I was at the movies once and my brother walked up to me in the lobby and it took me several long seconds to recognize him, so I know how that is too! Embarassing. Yeah, one of the last jobs I had, this woman with ADD actually said to me, "What is wrong with you? I have ADD too, and there's something else wrong with you!" I'd like to be able to answer that question with something besides, "I'm crazy but don't worry, I'm not dangerous."



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24 Aug 2009, 4:44 pm

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Ralou
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27 Aug 2009, 2:11 pm

Not to necro this thread, but I took the longer version of the Asperger's quiz today, and got 162 of 200, mostly for talent, then activity and perception were high. I liked the question about traps though, I'm not fascinated with them now, or with hunting in general, but when I was a kid, I wanted to live in the woods by myself and catch fish and rabbits to eat. Well, the first time I ever saw someone kill a duck, that killed my wanting to hunt. Poor duck!



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28 Aug 2009, 8:14 am

welcome here


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28 Aug 2009, 10:43 am

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, Ralou.


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28 Aug 2009, 12:20 pm

Welcome to WP Ralou. I enjoyed your "you might be list" since I've done or do all those things.

I live with two cats (one spayed, one neutered), never managed to accrue any friends in online activities despite being online almost every day since 1991, and have deleted more posts than I've submitted. My classmates in school (from junior high on) called me "Professor" or other nicknames (usually not nice). But I've never managed to date anyone for as long as you did, and I ultimately finished grad school.

If you feel you need to tell people what's going on inside your head, how about "I have a neurological condition that makes me (fill in as appropriate)" and say no more. I do that if people ask me why I talk to myself in public, don't respond when called by my name or asked a question, or have trouble with sensory issues. "Neurological condition" seems to work for me.

You aren't crazy or dangerous, after all. Just different.



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31 Aug 2009, 6:19 pm

Welcome to WP!


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TerenceMcG
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13 Jul 2017, 1:20 pm

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I work in a factory with hundreds of people and everyday it feels like I'm walking into a pack of vultures. They just peck away at me, waiting for me to die. There is a small handful of laid back friendly people, but the rest of them are just hateful, judgemental people who stick their noses into business that isn't their own. Unfortunately we live in a world dominated by evil, but remember that there are good people in this world and they will protect you. Most people would rather judge an autistic person than foster the effort to understand them. Hang in there, we're here for you!