Is it me or the rest of the world?

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therange
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24 Nov 2009, 1:41 pm

I'm starting to wonder if it's me with the problem or if I'm perfectly fine and it's the rest of the world that should be more like me.

- I'm a straight guy. When I'm out in public, I look at women, not men. That being said, the same type of woman always attracts me. Dark hair, plain skin (no tan or other race), irish/british looking, petite...kind of plain and pretty if that isn't a contradiction in terms...think Jane Leeves, Peri Gilpin, Rachel Weisz, Patricia Heaton, Annie Wersching, Gillian Anderson.

- I detest oral sex, and think it's degrading to women. I've had it, it gave me no sensation, and I also felt like she was just doing because she thought "You're a guy, you're supposed to like it."

- I want to have sex with a woman that's my type, but I'm in no hurry and also don't intend to sleep with more than 10 women my whole life. If I can't see myself with the woman, whether as friends or in a long term relationship, no reason to have sex with her.

- I hate beer and don't love sports. I watch football because I'm from New England and a bandwagon Patriots fan who only watches them because they're good and Tom Brady is really good and fun to watch.

- I'm a homebody. I leave the house maybe 5-10 hours a week. If I had a girlfriend, I would leave the house more to go on dinner dates, see live music or something, but I would still be indoors more often than not.

- I'm not masculine in the least. I can't lift anything and am tall and skinny like Niles from Frasier. I'm not "one of the guys" at all in any respect.

- I hate politics. Enough said.

- I'm not competitive in the least. I don't measure myself up with others, and actually feel bad for people that live their life that way.

- I don't care how people perceive me. I used to when I was more sensitive, but it doesn't bother me that family members might think "He's 26 and isn't doing anything with his life" because I know the true story - that I'm incapable of surviving in the NT world.

- The only people that mean anything to me are my parents and brother, and perhaps a future girlfriend or female friend if she feels the same way about me.

- I hate the way men are perceived and how women think that all decent looking men are jerks that just want sex. It bothers me that I go on craigslist and see mostly guys that are just looking for no strings attached sex or oral sex.

- I hate "temptresses"...women like Heidi Klum or Beyonce...models, porn stars, divas..."sexy women"...to me they're no better than an out of shape, unappealing woman. Wouldn't have sex with someone like Klum even if it was no strings attached. Don't like being told by the media what's sexy and what isn't.

- I don't drink at all and don't go to house parties or nightclubs and look down on people who do.

- My idea of fun is surfing the internet.



Janissy
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24 Nov 2009, 2:02 pm

therange wrote:
I'm starting to wonder if it's me with the problem or if I'm perfectly fine and it's the rest of the world that should be more like me.




.


I don't see a problem with any of that. I think it's all perfectly fine. But I also don't see any reason why the rest of the world should be more like you. I don't see any reason why everybody should be just exactly alike. None of those things on your list of likes and dislikes seem like they should pose any great problem. And not all men like beer,sports and Beyonce either.



therange
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24 Nov 2009, 2:10 pm

"And not all men like beer,sports and Beyonce either."

Of course there are exceptions, but in America, men are fairly predictable. I've had social opportunities over the years...get a bunch of straight men together and alcohol, sports, and unrealistically attractive women are the three major topics.

What I was wondering is if my lack of masculinity is a turn-off to the type of women I like, and if they'd perceive it as homosexuality. I don't like men. I think I've only seen even a couple celebrity men where I thought "he looks good" and that was in an envious way, not an attraction way. But it seems the guys I know, even internet friends, give me s**t for not being more of a typical guy.



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24 Nov 2009, 2:31 pm

Well I fit within the appearance and behavior description you've provided of women you like, and your post mostly made me think, "Want to go on a date? Do you live anywhere near me?"

So no, what you're saying not only isn't a turn-off, but it's going to sound very good to many women.

It's not going to sound appealing to women who hang out in the bar scene and/or chase jocks, but they're far from being all women. They just might be the ones you've noticed because they're easier to "find".



Friskeygirl
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24 Nov 2009, 2:32 pm

You sound like an old fashion type, its to bad there aren't more like you, I think the world is infatuated with artificiality.



ToadOfSteel
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24 Nov 2009, 2:39 pm

Wow... that was pretty much me on all counts except for one (I personally do care what other people think about me)... and yet when I post I don't have women wondering if they wanted to go on a date with me or not...



angelicgoddess
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24 Nov 2009, 2:41 pm

It all depends.

1 Most men are masculine and are pretty straightforward in wanting sex above all else.

2 Some men just don't have a high libido and don't necessarily need or want sex in order to be happy.

3 Some men are as masculine as the first category but have had experiences in life that made then afraid of they masculinity and their sexuality. These are he ones that have strong aversions against certain aspects of sex and anything masculin for that matter.

4 Some men have bad experiences with femininity or women. These guys turn either extremely macho males or can even turn gay.

5 Of course there are the natural gays and/or bisexual men. they are born being somewhat androgyn.

The only one who can know what category you are is you. maybe your just not that sexual, maybe your testosterone levels are quite low. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Only the fearsome subtypes (3 and 4) can become a problem if the sex drive is somehow sabotaged by the fear/hurt in question. That way sexual energy has no chance to flow and can become either aggression or projected on something other than another willing human being.

Do you like being you? Do you like being a man? Do you somehow think women are better than men are? Do you not care for male-stuff like sports, cars, over the top women and oral sex, or do you feel a strong aversion against them?

There is nothing wrong with you either way, some subtypes have an easier life. But you cannot speak of the one being 'better', it's all a question of environment how you came to be who you are.

So get to know yourself, see what you like and find what works for you. You'll be okay! Good luck to you!



Janissy
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24 Nov 2009, 3:09 pm

angelicgoddess wrote:
It all depends.

1 Most men are masculine and are pretty straightforward in wanting sex above all else.

2 Some men just don't have a high libido and don't necessarily need or want sex in order to be happy.

3 Some men are as masculine as the first category but have had experiences in life that made then afraid of they masculinity and their sexuality. These are he ones that have strong aversions against certain aspects of sex and anything masculin for that matter.

4 Some men have bad experiences with femininity or women. These guys turn either extremely macho males or can even turn gay.

5 Of course there are the natural gays and/or bisexual men. they are born being somewhat androgyn.

The only one who can know what category you are is you. maybe your just not that sexual, maybe your testosterone levels are quite low. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Only the fearsome subtypes (3 and 4) can become a problem if the sex drive is somehow sabotaged by the fear/hurt in question. That way sexual energy has no chance to flow and can become either aggression or projected on something other than another willing human being.

Do you like being you? Do you like being a man? Do you somehow think women are better than men are? Do you not care for male-stuff like sports, cars, over the top women and oral sex, or do you feel a strong aversion against them?

There is nothing wrong with you either way, some subtypes have an easier life. But you cannot speak of the one being 'better', it's all a question of environment how you came to be who you are.

So get to know yourself, see what you like and find what works for you. You'll be okay! Good luck to you!



WTF????! !! !????

Where are you getting this "low libido" and "not masculine" nonsense from?



therange
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24 Nov 2009, 3:19 pm

Note, to the poster that questioned my sexuality, I like women. I have a low sex drive, but there is an existing sex-drive. I just detest the fact that all straight men are portrayed a certain way. "You must like this because you're a guy." Sometimes I take being a contrarian to the extreme, but for the most part, it's genuine and I just march to the beat of my own drummer.



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24 Nov 2009, 3:29 pm

Janissy wrote:
WTF????! !! !????

Where are you getting this "low libido" and "not masculine" nonsense from?


That was pretty much my reaction too. therange's posts come across to me as "healthy interest in sexuality uncomplicated by performative masculinity", which, by the way, is to drool for stuff for quite a lot of women out there.



Lene
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24 Nov 2009, 3:38 pm

You sound pretty normal to me, but as Janissy said, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the rest of the world either.

Out of all the points on your post, the things which would spark a warning signal to me (and this is just me, by the way, not 99.999% of all other girls out there) are;

I'm not masculine in the least.

I'm not competitive in the least


The reason I say this is because I used to date a complete coward; when the going got tough, he ran away to his mummy and left me up s**t creek.

I don't go for jocks or competition freaks, but I am grateful that my current bf at least tries to stand up for me and gets outraged if someone hurts me, and when things get difficult he does tough it out. Whilst I wouldn't call it masculinity myself (that's insulting to girls who have guts too), it is one of the ways which guys are supposed to act.

I'm not attracted to effeminate guys anymore because, as a friend once said to me, I don't want to be the 'butch one' in the relationship.

"He's 26 and isn't doing anything with his life" because I know the true story - that I'm incapable of surviving in the NT world.


Well... what do you plan to do then? Sponge off disability benefits? Your girlfriend and family? Sorry, but this would definitely be a turn-off. I work to get an education and a career; I expect my partner to do the same.
- I don't drink at all and don't go to house parties or nightclubs and look down on people who do.

Well... that rules out quite a lot of people. Maybe you shouldn't look down on them for their choices as long as they accept yours.

- My idea of fun is surfing the internet.

It's fun, but I suggest you add a few more hobbies to this list...



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24 Nov 2009, 3:48 pm

As I read your post, I had a few questions:

1) Where do you expect to meet women, if you are home most of the time?

2) Are you working from home, do you have a career? What do you mean by some others thinking "you aren't doing anything" with your life? This is a question that matters to women for many practical reasons.

As for the rest, I married a guy attracted to the same types as you are ... and I'm not quite the profile, but its OK. He's shy in public, not tall, not interested in sports, but he is quite fit, as he enjoys exercising - takes the stress out. It certainly works for me that he would rather do laundry than hang out in a bar to watch a game ;) Before we married he told me he worried about "keeping up with me" in the drive department but, really, two kids later ... I think he wishes I'd keep up better with him. Like so many things, life changes everything, and so much is transitory. We are is connected in mind and goal.

Which means, in my opinion, there isn't anything wrong with you OR with the rest of the world - its more that you are not situated properly for the circles to overlap and create a large enough shared zone.


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angelicgoddess
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24 Nov 2009, 3:51 pm

Janissy wrote:
WTF????! !! !????

Where are you getting this "low libido" and "not masculine" nonsense from?


I'm just saying not everyone has the same sex drive thats all...

For example my best friend (a guy) has a far lower sex drive than me. He is also said to be more feminin in many ways. Just as people tend to have individual differences in pretty much every aspect of life, they can also be different in libido.

It is a well established fact that men statistically have a higher sex drive than women. For example; male gay couples have significantly more intercourse than heterosexual couples who in turn have more sex than lesbian couples.

What's so weird about that?



anna-banana
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24 Nov 2009, 4:28 pm

personally, I wouldn't want to date someone this conservative :P but I don't think there's anything wrong with you.


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therange
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24 Nov 2009, 4:55 pm

I'll answer some of the questions that got brought up to the best of my ability.

- The not leaving the house thing is a catch 22. I'm a homebody anyway, but I live in a town where there's absolutely nothing to do unless you're white trash or cape verdean. (To answer the forthcoming question: "Why do you live there?" I grew up there, live with my parents, and my dad hasn't retired yet. When he is, we're moving, and I'm getting one of those attachment apartments whereever they move.) Anyway, this allows for no social life...there are no "safe" places to go. It's a dangerous town with it's middle class parts which I live in. The people with social lives likely just have the same friends since grade school and hang out at each other's houses.

So I feel trapped in a way. I admit it, I don't want a girlfriend or a female friend or sex bad enough to the point where I would make a drastic change (driving to the big cities...one 60 mins north and the other 60 mins south) but I don't feel I should have to. Obviously I have to leave the house, but it does me no good to find someone in one of those cities. I've tried the long distance dating thing and it didn't work. I'm looking for someone within a half-hour's distance.

- I don't work because of reasons I've mentioned in other posts...inability to focus, handle instructions or deal with miminal stress that comes with co-worker drama, oneupsmanship, feeling depressed after work to the point where I'm questioning why life is worth living. I've worked a variety of jobs, all ended in failure and most ended with getting bullied by co-workers and in one case, my two bosses.

- I hope to find something I can do, hopefully something at home, since I like the computer, and in the meantime, I'm in a band. We aren't one of those wannabe bands that's looking to make it big. We just jam once a week and are looking to gig a couple times a month for the fun of it and play songs that most people have heard before.

- I'm not sure how sexual I am. I know that I like making out/touching, but even virgins that I know look at a lot of porn and have a high sex drive. I don't for whatever reason. If I met a woman like the ones I mentioned, I would have sex with them, but I don't have this overwhelming urge to just have sex with any woman that's half way decent looking. I want a connection with the sex, even if that connection is just a very strong physical attraction.



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24 Nov 2009, 5:31 pm

I don't know very many people who look at porn. Guess our circles are different ;) Basically, I see no connection between porn and the level of sex drive that can exist within a committed relationship, if that helps you at all.

As for living at home / not currently supporting yourself ... that is a problem. At your age, people date with the hope of future committment. Hope of future committment includes a vision of what life will be like financially, emotionally, and physically. While some women are capable of supporting a partner and wouldn't mind doing so, they tend to be very wary of getting used, and society tends to make a lot of negative assumptions about the relationship, making the odds of actually meeting a woman like that very low. So, basically, dating isn't likely to go anywhere until you've figured out how to support yourself. Sorry to be so blunt, but the number of women who date purely for fun without an eye to the future in your age group is extremely small, and its important to be realistic about that.

If your band gets gigs, however, that should help your prospects quite a bit. There is something about a guy that can sing to you that changes how one looks at things. In the families I know where the dad stays home and the wife works full time, the dad is more often than not a musician of some sort.

That all sounds superficial but making a life with someone is anything but. Many, many trade offs go into it all.


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