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TouchVanDerBoom
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07 Dec 2009, 4:52 pm

Earlier I was chatting to this girl I know on Facebook. We were sending each other dirty private messages, then saying "you have mail" on chat so the other knew they had a message. But after a while she started talking that way in the chat window too, really graphic sexual content. Suddenly someone else was in the conversation because things were coming up that looked like I'd said them but I hadn't. They were saying we weren't ladies and there's a time and a place etc. We thought it was a hacker. They said they were my mother and of course we knew they were being ridiculous. I changed my password and started talking to her through email.

Later my mother actually came online. She said something that made me wonder if it actually was her before. I called her and she said it was. I had forgotten to log out of my account when I was last at her place and when she opened Facebook she was still logged in as me and had seen ALL the stuff we'd said in chat (but luckily not the private messages.) We laughed about it and she said she knows I'm a grown woman and it's my business but I feel like I've irrevocably changed her opinion of me. She's always been open with me about sex, doesn't care that I'm bisexual and isn't remotely religious so it's nothing like that. It's more that I'm ashamed she saw me use all those vulgar terms, embarrassed she saw stuff about my private sex life and that she now knows I'm doing something with a girl while still with my boyfriend. I'm also a bit angry that she didn't immediately avert her eyes when she saw the content of it all. She said she scrolled up to read more. I feel violated, even though it's only my own mum.

How can I look her in the eye now?

(mods, please feel free to move this if you think it belongs elsewhere)



LostAlien
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07 Dec 2009, 5:04 pm

What she did was wrong. She shouldn't have looked at your mail, you're justified to feel violated by an invasion of privicy (regardless of who did it). I don't know how to help you feel better though, I am sorry that I don't know how to make you feel better and that this happened to you.



TouchVanDerBoom
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07 Dec 2009, 9:26 pm

Thanks. She didn't mean to invade my privacy, she just opened the chat thinking she signed in and read what it said. It bothers me that she kept reading and started trying to lecture me about it while I was talking to someone she doesn't even know.

Judging by the discrepancy between view count and reply count, most people read this and thought "serves her right, the fool".



emc2
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07 Dec 2009, 10:50 pm

Oh no it is just one of those embarassing moments in life.
It was a bit OTT for her to interupt the chat though that is hilarious.

The only option is to laugh it off in some way.
I am sure one day you'll catch her doing something embarassing too, then the shoe will be on the other foot.

But certainly a lesson to clear computers of the history/cache, after you've used someone else's computer.



zen_mistress
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07 Dec 2009, 10:53 pm

I am sorry it has happened to you. Yes I think your mum should have shut the window and not posted.. but anyway mothers can do all sorts of things.. I guess adults have distinct needs for privacy and need to keep parts of their lives private from parents. Not always easy when living with them....


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JSchoolboy
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07 Dec 2009, 11:03 pm

emc2 wrote:
Oh no it is just one of those embarassing moments in life.
It was a bit OTT for her to interupt the chat though that is hilarious.

The only option is to laugh it off in some way.
I am sure one day you'll catch her doing something embarassing too, then the shoe will be on the other foot.

But certainly a lesson to clear computers of the history/cache, after you've used someone else's computer.


I have to agree. Be glad you have a mum who can laugh about this with you. It may have changed her opinion of you a bit, but who knows - once the embarrassment wears off, you might feel even more comfortable about talking to her.

And oh yes - be sure to log out whenever you're done with the computer! :)



pandd
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07 Dec 2009, 11:09 pm

Quote:
Judging by the discrepancy between view count and reply count, most people read this and thought "serves her right, the fool".

More likely people do not know of anything they could say that would make you feel less embarrassed. Also the view counter is an approximate rather than being an entirely accurate count.

You really cannot blame your mother for looking. It's like a train crash, few people want to see one, fewer still can draw their eyes away from one.

The only thing that will make you feel less embarrassed is to not think of it and over time you if you do recall it momentarily, the embarrassment will be of shorter duration. Only time combined with not triggering the feelings is likely to lessen them. It's unlikely anything we say will make you feel less embarrassed because words are not all that powerful against a present and strongly felt emotion.

As for your mother's opinion of you, it is largely ingrained by now. Her composite model of you is unlikely to be altered by a few facts about your recent sexual adventures (particularly facts which come down to an exchange of words over the internet). You are still you to your mother.



Wiedinmyer
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07 Dec 2009, 11:16 pm

A couple of things...

While it is definitely excellent advice to log out of programs while using public computers, if your mother's behavior makes you uncomfortable, you would be well within the realm of acceptable behavior to tell her how this made you feel. You don't have to be overly aggressive about it (or overly accusatory), but asking her to not repeat the behavior in the future is not inappropriate at all. For the most part, it sounds like your mother didn't find the incident overly disturbing (or at least as you've related it), but you can certainly let her know if it made +you+ uncomfortable. Her behavior is definitely a bit to the far side of what might be reasonably acceptable or expectable in such a situation (unless your relationship were such that such things were already agreed upon as acceptable. The fact that you've brought it up leads me to think that this is not the case.) As it is, it might be best just to view it as something of a learning experience for the both of you.



CrouchingOwl
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08 Dec 2009, 12:07 am

This reminds me of when my mother in law walked in on my wife and I while we were enjoying ourselves. Stupid doors don't have locks on them, so its the kind of thing that happens while they are getting used to the fact that my wife and I, umm, enjoy spending time together early in the morning and late at night :D. Happened with my sister in law too. But the difference here is that my mother in law and sister in law didn't jump in and start giving us a lecture about how or what we were doing. They just closed the door again. Jumping in on the conversation is so out of bounds it blows my mind, especially when its known that anything she types shows as you instead of as her. So essentially she was, as far as the other person was concerned, impersonating you during an online encounter. That sort of behavior definitely needs a little bit more than just a laugh it off. I wouldn't try to make a huge incident over it, but some sort of big sign that says "invasion of my privacy is bad." would be appropriate.



Ambivalence
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08 Dec 2009, 6:21 am

CrouchingOwl wrote:
Jumping in on the conversation is so out of bounds it blows my mind, especially when its known that anything she types shows as you instead of as her. So essentially she was, as far as the other person was concerned, impersonating you during an online encounter. That sort of behavior definitely needs a little bit more than just a laugh it off. I wouldn't try to make a huge incident over it, but some sort of big sign that says "invasion of my privacy is bad." would be appropriate.


I agree, it's very rude, but I have the impression she may not have understood the implication that when she was typing it was in effect appearing as impersonation.


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TouchVanDerBoom
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08 Dec 2009, 10:55 am

emc2 wrote:
It was a bit OTT for her to interupt the chat though that is hilarious.


Yes, that's it, OTT - that's my momma. In her head she was trying to a) tease me by not letting on who she was because she felt she had "caught me" doing something I shouldn't be and b) teach me a lesson for talking about that sort of thing somewhere so, in theory, kinda public and c) though she will never admit it, I think she was punishing me for making her require mind bleach!

zen_mistress wrote:
I guess adults have distinct needs for privacy and need to keep parts of their lives private from parents. Not always easy when living with them....


I'm actually not living with her, I moved out when I was 18, but I had been there a week or so ago and forgotten to sign out, probably because I was subconsciously thinking I was "at home", where I never sign out because I'm the only one who uses my laptop. I may start now though!

I have always worked hard to keep my private life - especially anything involving sex or other wild behaviour - totally separate from her. She's great and very accepting compared to a lot of mothers but she has an opinion on everything and is from the sort of background that thinks there is a "normal" way of acting and it's one I don't conform to. She's very liberal about things like race, religion and sexuality (in the sense of gay or straight or whatever) but a bit prudish about things like swearing, openly sexual things like lap dances or kinks and is obsessed with keeping anything like that very, very private. So I guess I felt like I'd betrayed some of her core principles or something.

JSchoolboy wrote:
It may have changed her opinion of you a bit, but who knows - once the embarrassment wears off, you might feel even more comfortable about talking to her.


Yes, you're right, I think that this has already happened. We spoke earlier and didn't even bring it up and we were totally normal, as close and friendly as ever. I hope it won't be weird when we see each other in person. About 2 years ago we had a huge fall out and didn't speak for months. It was actually the best thing that had ever happened to our relationship as I had to learn to "be my own man" as we like to call it, and look after my own emotional well-being. It also meant that we dropped a lot of bad habits that had developed from when I was a kid and it meant - because I had caused but not initiated the fall out over her always saying she shouldn't have had kids whenever we do things wrong - that she had to think before she said things to me.

pandd wrote:
You really cannot blame your mother for looking. It's like a train crash, few people want to see one, fewer still can draw their eyes away from one.


Yeah, I know. The funny thing is though, if my mother saw a train crash, she wouldn't look out of politeness. She's not at all interested in other people's personal lives or misfortunes, she never gossips or reads celebrity magazines, she left me very much to my own devices as a teen and used to just fold the "books" she found my older brothers' room into their sock drawer and tell them to make sure tiny me didn't see them. She's always been the perfect mother as far as privacy goes. I guess that's why I felt sorta betrayed when she did this.

CrouchingOwl wrote:
I wouldn't try to make a huge incident over it, but some sort of big sign that says "invasion of my privacy is bad." would be appropriate.


Lol! Yeah, I think I've conveyed that. By the end of our talk she was starting to be more apologetic about it. I think she has trouble putting herself in the other person's shoes. They do say AS runs in families... :D

Ambivalence wrote:
I have the impression she may not have understood the implication that when she was typing it was in effect appearing as impersonation.


That's right. She thought I would wonder at first who it was but then realise it was her, especially when she actually came right out and said it.