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Mysty
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27 Jan 2010, 12:40 am

anneurysm wrote:
Mysty wrote:
I'm very into music and in the past often had, well, a strong attraction to certain musicians. People whose music I knew through recordings, and who I saw in videos and photos. No one I knew.

Then, several years ago, I took an interest a musician who happened to be in a local band. And he noticed me and was friendly to me. Still is. :) His interest definitely fed into what was an obsessive interest, and had a lot of unhealthy qualities. I got over the unhealthy stuff though. Which wasn't easy. (Nothing stalkerish or anything. More like, wanting things that weren't possible. Then wanting things that weren't possible from him.)

Now, I'm still a big fan, still love his music, love to listen to his bands (past and present) and see him play live with his band. And he's still a friend of a sort. And, yeah, it probably could be said to be along the lines of a special interest.

He's a lot like me in some ways, and I think that's part of what draws me to him. Perhaps that's why he likes me.


Oh my. I know exactly what you're talking about...as you have described one of my own obsessions...word for word.
Who knew that someone out there would have an experience identical to mine? 8O
What was it like at the worst part of the obsession? How did you get over the unhealthy parts of it?


That's so hard to answer. I could write a book about it.

The thing that really particularly made it unhealthy was the lack of boundaries. Interpersonal boundaries, that is. Like, he brought out in me this little kid part who had no sense of boundaries. He himself, what I've come to realize, I think his own boundaries are good, but his ability to understand me and my needs and use that in negotiating relationship boundaries is definitely lacking. And me, like I said, I was lacking boundaries.

Sometimes I wanted him to be a daddy. Sometimes it was attraction. Mostly, I just wanted him in my life.

How I got out of that would be, well, personal growth, learning, self talk. A whole lot of realizations, one by one.

Eventually I got to the point of wanting something that was realistically possible to have with, well, some people. Which is I think when it stopped feeling like an obsession. Though was still frustrating. Maybe more so. But that's really a different story. That of learning that, the friendship I was wanting at this point, it wasn't something unhealthy or wrong, but it was something he just can't give. (Which is distinct from could give but chooses not to.)

So, the worst thing was the lack of boundaries and the confusion it caused. Not knowing where he fit into my life. With performers I liked previously, it was simple. They make music. I buy CDs and go to concerts. That's the relationship. Anything else was just me. This was more, but trying to figure out what was confusing. And it wasn't something I could let go of for a while if I didn't see him for a while. Because he was on my mind, and the not knowing what he was to me, that stayed with me even when not interacting with him.

Fixing it was, first, learning to have boundaries with him, my own internal boundaries. That would be getting over the unhealthy part, I think. And then it was figuring out the relationship boundaries. Here, learning about autism and Asperger's helped, because he like me has some of those traits. Learning that some things, it's not because he chooses not to do them, it's because he can't.

Having a particular liking for someone's music is a socially acceptable thing. Most people really don't know how deep it goes.


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pschristmas
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27 Jan 2010, 2:06 am

Yes. I'm coming out of one of these right now. I got very obsessed with someone, but I have enough self-control that I didn't let them know about it. Thankfully, it wasn't someone I see on a regular basis, or I might not have been able to keep it to myself. It got to the point that I could barely concentrate on anything else for weeks, then I got a massive reality check that left me weepy and feeling like a pathetic idiot. It happens every now and then, but not often. Usually, I'm very sane. :oops: My therapist thinks that my crushes are more intense because they don't happen often. This is the first time I've mentioned it to anyone besides my therapist. I'm still feeling kind of stupid, but a bit more patient with myself. I know it will pass (kind of like an emotional kidney stone. :lol:)



b9
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27 Jan 2010, 2:31 am

Vince wrote:
MikeyPikey92 wrote:
anneurysm wrote:
MikeyPikey92 wrote:
Nice Frank Zappa Sig. ; )

Thanks! He's one of my biggest inspirations :)

Mine as well. You listen to any Captain Beefheart?

Hey, I'm a Zappa fan as well. Got a whole bunch of his (and The Mothers') records in my vinyl collection... Got a bit of Beefheart too.
Sorry...offtopic. *slaps self*


i also like zappa. i have all his albums on my computer

here is a shot of my zappa folder in "list" view.
http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/306/zappalist.jpg

here is another shot of my zappa folder in "thumbnail" view.
http://img193.imageshack.us/img193/495/zappaalbums.jpg

by the way i do not have obsessions with people, but i am interested in zappa.



alana
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27 Jan 2010, 3:04 pm

I was also thinking that the only way I ever get over an obsession with someone is by developing another obsession with someone else. I would like to put the brakes on before it even develops but so far I have not been able to figure out how. I relate on the 'studying up' on the person too but not in a way that means I am a danger to them...it's passive admiration not active stalking.



Pernicious-Knid
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27 Jan 2010, 3:07 pm

pschristmas wrote:
Yes. I'm coming out of one of these right now. I got very obsessed with someone, but I have enough self-control that I didn't let them know about it. Thankfully, it wasn't someone I see on a regular basis, or I might not have been able to keep it to myself. It got to the point that I could barely concentrate on anything else for weeks, then I got a massive reality check that left me weepy and feeling like a pathetic idiot. It happens every now and then, but not often. Usually, I'm very sane. :oops: My therapist thinks that my crushes are more intense because they don't happen often. This is the first time I've mentioned it to anyone besides my therapist. I'm still feeling kind of stupid, but a bit more patient with myself. I know it will pass (kind of like an emotional kidney stone. :lol:)


Oh yeah. I know exactly how that is. Emotional kidney stone? That's a great expression. Would probably make a decent band name. :lol:



Mysty
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27 Jan 2010, 4:52 pm

alana wrote:
I relate on the 'studying up' on the person too but not in a way that means I am a danger to them...it's passive admiration not active stalking.


Yup, that fits for me too.


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angelbear
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27 Jan 2010, 4:59 pm

I am an NT mom of an AS little boy. Thinking back on it, I have developed special interests in certain people. I am not sure if it was considered obsessive, but it seemed more obsessive than normal to me. The first one was Jim Morrison of the Doors. I just could not read enough about him, and I was very into his music. I was also obsessed with Robert Smith of the Cure. I am over those now, but now am into reading about Angelina Jolie.

I have also been obsessed with men that I have had relationships with. I felt that I had a hard time letting go when they were not interested in me anymore.

Now my new obsession is Facebook! LOL! I love to look up anyone I can think of just to see what I can find out about them!

I have always been a very social and outgoing person, but maybe there is a little AS characterstic in me since my son has it! My husband definitely has more AS traits, but I think I can relate to the obsessions!



kingtut3
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28 Jan 2010, 12:21 pm

the girl I like



ThatRedHairedGrrl
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28 Jan 2010, 2:02 pm

Yup, I've had those, and still do.

When I was in my teens, it tended to be guys I actually knew, which was bad...most of them were either indifferent or visibly embarrassed by my attention, but at least three of them used the situation to take advantage of me in variously sh***y ways.

That said, I've also had obsessions with guys I didn't and couldn't know in real life, and while that used to be embarrassing when people made fun of me for it, I now think it has its benefits. They're always creative guys - artists, writers, musicians - and that always reflects back into whatever I'm doing creatively. Both the energy of whatever it is they do, and the energy of the obsession itself, if that doesn't sound crazy.

I don't like to admit this, partly because it's weird anyway but also partly because a lot of people with any kind of psychological background would look at it and say I must have some deep-seated sense of inadequacy as a woman that I need my creativity to be reflected back off a man, or something. I'd say that until fairly recently, for reasons connected with my own personal history I've had immense trouble accepting the idea of a female role model. Even now, while there are a bunch of female writers, artists and what have you that I admire and am inspired by, it's not the same sort of energy.


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Step
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28 Jan 2010, 2:38 pm

I think many people (NTs and Aspies) develop romantic obsessions. I was literally obsessed for 2 years over a guy I dated for a few months. It was humiliating. I was in my 20s and paid a roommate to drive me past his house. I thought and talked about him constantly until I started loosing friends over it. Everyone thought I was pathetic including me.

Well, my AS husband seemed at one point to be obsessed with Sarah Palin! It was so weird to me because he claims to hate her and everything she represents. Makes fun of the stupid things she says and disagrees strongly with her politics...and yet for months and months all he would do is look up articles and videos about her, even just to watch comedians make fun of her on late night TV. Everytime I'd glance over at his computer screen, there she was.

As his wife, I didn't know what to make of it...I guess I still don't. Can you be obsessed or have a special interest in someone you have a strong dislike for?



alana
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28 Jan 2010, 3:01 pm

Step wrote:
I think many people (NTs and Aspies) develop romantic obsessions. I was literally obsessed for 2 years over a guy I dated for a few months. It was humiliating. I was in my 20s and paid a roommate to drive me past his house. I thought and talked about him constantly until I started loosing friends over it. Everyone thought I was pathetic including me.

Well, my AS husband seemed at one point to be obsessed with Sarah Palin! It was so weird to me because he claims to hate her and everything she represents. Makes fun of the stupid things she says and disagrees strongly with her politics...and yet for months and months all he would do is look up articles and videos about her, even just to watch comedians make fun of her on late night TV. Everytime I'd glance over at his computer screen, there she was.

As his wife, I didn't know what to make of it...I guess I still don't. Can you be obsessed or have a special interest in someone you have a strong dislike for?


your post made me think of this quote

"Whoever inquires about our childhood wants to know something about our soul. If the question is not just a rhetorical one and the questioner has the patience to listen, he will come to realize that we love with horror and hate with an inexplicable love whatever caused us our greatest pain and difficulty."

ERIKA BURKART



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29 Jan 2010, 12:47 am

I tend to think about certain people way too much than I need to especially females. I should focus more on just doing me.


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Mysty
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29 Jan 2010, 9:13 am

I had a thought... maybe it's the same amount of thinking about others that's normal, that NT's have, but all mostly concentrated in one person.


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passionatebach
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29 Jan 2010, 11:11 am

I have struggled with obesessions with people for many years. It has been one of things that has defined my AS, and certainally one of the most annoying and embarassing.

When I was younger, my obsessions were based upon the fact that a person looked like a character from a TV show/Movie, or was an actor or entertainer. I also remember getting obsessed with people due to life experiences, as an example in a couple of situations, it was due to the fact that they underwent complicated surgeries. I was usually always obsessed with people that I knew in real life.

In my adulthood, I have noticed that the people that I am obsessed with are fewer, but the obsession is more intense and the duratiion is usually longer.

I have noticed that I get obsessed with people that I have admiration for. I am currently figting an obsession with a childhood friend of mine, whom was appointed mayor of his community, after a flood. I admire how he took the bull by the horns to take control of the situation, and the fact that he has also won awards for his leadership. Also I admire him for taking so much responsibility on at once, from civic duties, to family and his full time job. I guess another reason that I am obesessed with him is the fact that I want so bad to be a person that can be a catalyst to making a positive difference iin my community. At the time he seemed like a segue to achieve this goal. Sadly, even though my friend whom had knew me for years, the people around him including his wife, family and those he worked with in his community's governance did not understand this behavior and felt uncomfortable with this level of obsessiveness toward him and the community so both of us were called out on the floor about this behavior so to speak. Also due to how busy that he was, he was unable to provide the type of friendship that I was looking for with him.

On the other hand, obsessiveness with people can also have a positivie impact. My friend did provide me with opportunities that I wouldn't of otherwise had and opportunities to act in his community that I have got notice for and am very proud of.

Has anyone whom has been obesessed with other people also had some good come out of the obsession? I mention the situation above, and a situation back when I was in school, where I was obessesed with a person and my family was able to help him thorugh a situation of poverty and neglect, to where he became a successful member of society.



passionatebach
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30 Jan 2010, 2:44 pm

I was thinking about another aspect to obesessions with people. I have noticed that my obsessions are modulated by access to the person that I am obsessed with. If I see a person that I am obsessed with, on a more often basis, the obsession with that person usually dies off quicker. What I have noticed is that the intensity of an obsession, quickly rises, plateaus, and then gradually falls depending upon how much interaction I have with that person.

This is something that I have observed in a number of obsessive episodes. I have also noticed that the personality of the person that you are obsessed with plays on this too. As a rule most of the time, a person that is more outgoing, socially aware, usually intelligent and educated, has few skeletons in their closet, and is very tolerant and understanding will allow the obsession to run its course on a much quicker timeframe. Also these folks put up with a little bit of this behavior.



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30 Jan 2010, 6:27 pm

I have been obsessed with Sir David Attenborough since I was 5.......

I have been a conservationist and naturalist since........and have passed on his brilliance to my son.

He is my mentor and protection against total misanthropy :wink: He is wonderful.....

So after 30 years of viewing from afar, I wrote to him to tell him of my great admiration for him. I took me 2 days to write the letter.......I was as giddy as a school girl! 8O

Not expecting a response, I got one from him. A beautifully hand written letter thanking me for my kind words and how glad he was that his legacy would be passed down through the ages. I ran around screaming and crying and rang my partner at work I was SO excited. My man was very, very happy for me. The letter and envelope it came in is framed on my wall.

Put me on a high for days.......best thing I ever did, to congratulate this great man for all his wonderful work for this planet.

Yep, I just love him........I got doe eyes just talking about him!!

Mics

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