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autisticstar
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27 Oct 2010, 10:49 am

Hi,

I will soon be getting married (in just a little over a week) and I realize that all of my girlfriends are single. I don't have a lot of friends, so they are very important to me and are in many ways like family for me. I have of course been very focused on getting ready for marriage and the wedding for the last few months. However, I have not made unreasonable demands on my friends, especially those in the wedding party. The only thing I have asked my bridesmaids to do is to wear the dress I chose (which I had some of their input on) and wear closed toe black shoes for the wedding. I even had a luncheon as an appreciation for them standing up for me at the wedding.

I have a good friend who feels I have been overly focused on the wedding. Well, I may have been focused on getting married, but it is a big step. She is concerned that I won't be her friend anymore after the wedding. Has anyone else been married and had to make adjustments in friendships? I love my friends and I don't want to stop being friends or spending time with them just because I am getting married.



OddFiction
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27 Oct 2010, 11:08 am

*Man Barging in*

I think it's reasonable to expect that you are focused on the wedding. You may be more focused than the average, but your friends should know you well enough that if this is the case, it's normal for you.

That being said - it may also be why she's so worried about the friendship. People typically (even NTs) hyperfocus on new things - especially relationships, especially big steps in relationships, which of course a wedding certainly is. She may be anticipating that you'll take it too far and never come back to them.

And she's also right in that the dynamics of your friendships will change; you'll be the only one with a "ball and chain" and you might not be as willing to "play like a single gal" as you are / were prior to the marriage. It's going to happen, no matter what.

It's up to you to realize this and make plans to counteract it (a bit) and make certain you spend good quality time with the girls post marriage. Tell her (tell them all - have a get together!) that you expect you'e going to be extremely busy this week, that you wanted to call them all together and reassure them, that you realize you havent spent time with them lately, that you love them all dearly, that you expect to have the honeymoon and be "whisked away into the love-a-day-whirlwind of fresh bridedom"....

But that you (again) love them, and wouldnt be where you are today without them, and that you promise to come back to them.... soon! And hug them all. Reinforce that you chose them as bridesmaids for a reason!

And maybe even say some of this "wouldnt be where you are today" babble at the wedding itself. A Public Promise and Public Praise at an "emotional affair" is more reassuring (and binding) to people than a late night weepy hug.



DW_a_mom
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27 Oct 2010, 12:02 pm

^ Wow, a guy with a solid view point on female friendships ;) Seriously, many of the same points I would make.

All changes are hard on friendships, and I think your friend is expressing her fears more than making a criticism of you. There is now someone else in your life, but not in hers. Things feel off balance to her, and she is worried about how that change will play out. You can't stop things in either of your lives from changing, but you can tell her that no matter what, that if earthquakes send you to opposite hemispheres with no way to cross, she will always be important to you.

And then you make an effort to show that importance by being there when she really needs you even if that occurs at a horribly inconvenient time, by remembering to sometimes need her back, by never judging her when she makes a choice you feel is horribly wrong, and so on. You know, by being a friend.

As a direct answer to your question, all my friendships changed with the sands of time. Marriages, children, jobs, moves ... there are always changes. But I have never stopped caring about any of them, even when circumstances have made it so we rarely see each other. And ... they know this. I have seen to that, that they know I would be there in a heart beat should they need me. Cobwebs can and do form, but they also get brushed off fast when things change once again.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Enjoy! Don't allow anything or anyone to taint this special time. Hug them back, and roll with it.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


happymusic
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27 Oct 2010, 8:32 pm

Congratulations on getting married.

Your friend sounds uncomfortable with change. There's no reason you can't remain very close friends after the wedding. You and your husband will still need your own time away from one another. A wedding is a huge undertaking and maybe since she's single she just doesn't get it yet. Maybe you could get lunch with her and tell her how special she is to you and how you want her to still be your friend through all the stages of your life - now, getting married, having children (if that's something you plan on), etc. You could tell her you consider her family and that one day your future kids will benefit greatly from having her as an aunt. :)