Can't stand living with my mother in law

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I just moved to England two months ago to live with my fiancé, but we're living with his mother too because she can't live alone. She's very emotionally needy and the last time my fiancé moved out she got very physically ill from the stress and constant panic attacks from being alone. She's a really nice person, I like her a lot and we have quite a bit in common- mostly we both like animals a lot- but I just really, really don't like living with her. She's always talking to herself and singing to herself when she's in the living room and kitchen, and it makes me really nervous for some reason. I've always been really particular about having my own space and having my own alone time. I really can't get anything done when someone's disturbing my space. I don't want to go into the kitchen to get something to eat during the day, because I know if I do she'll have a conversation with me or tell me something, so then I'll have to get in conversation mode. So I just spend all of my time in the bedroom and feel so trapped and like I'm intruding in someone else's house.

She's always doing the dishes for me and coming into my room to make our bed or empty the trash. I'm a really messy person, so I always feel so guilty when she cleans up after me. Like I'll make a big dinner for me and my fiancé, and then while we're eating it she'll go into the kitchen and clean up all the dishes. And then she'll say things like "what am I like, just tell me to stop" which confuses me because I don't know if that means she wants me to tell her to not do it and is just cleaning up to be nice or polite and not because she actually wants to clean. She also says a lot that she knows she's too soft and does too much for people and that she shouldn't, which makes me feel guilty when she does things for me. She's also always using the washing machine, sometimes twice a day and it's always every day so I can never do my laundry. She said that she'll do it for me, but I don't want her to. I have problems getting things done anyway, and when I actually do get into the mood to do something like the laundry and bring all my clothes out to do it, she's always using the machine. And then I don't want to do the laundry anymore so I end up with a huge pile of laundry spilling out of the laundry bin and I never get it done. I kind of feel like I'm living in a bed and breakfast or something, and it's really uncomfortable for me. I want my own space and I want to do things by myself. I've always been horrible with having roommates, I could never live with anyone except for my fiancé. I really wish we could move out and have our own space, but we can't because his mum gets really ill. My fiancé went to the States with me for six months to stay with my family, and the whole six months his mum had fainting fits and panic attacks and had to go to the hospital twice. My fiancé understands how I feel and says that we can move out if I want, but I feel it's not right or fair to do that when I know it will make her so ill. I just don't know how to deal with living with her, and I feel kind of bad because she's a really nice person and I know that she goes out of her way to do things for me.

Overall, I believe I would feel the same as you. The ideal would be for your fiancé to "leave and cleave" and provide a place the two of you can call your own and then have his mother come live with you.

I agree you guys need your own space and just because she hates to be alone doesn't mean that you are obligated to share living space with her. She is a grown women and I wonder how she managed when her children were out of the time. I would tell your fiance something has to give and it's time he put his foot down with his mother. It sounds to me like she is using her fear of being alone to keep your fiance at home with her. She is obviously in need of mental help if she is having panic attacks at her age when her son wants to leave home.

It's very kind of you to care about your mother-in-law but I see her mental problems as a sort of insurance to keep her son nearby, which isn't fair to him or you. She's an adult, she needs to address those problems. Maybe she could live in an assisted living home?

I have mental health issues (depression, panic attacks, etc.) but would never ever expect my children to meet my emotional needs. They have the right to grow up and be on their own.

I have exactly the same situation, and I do not complain that my daughters decided to move away some time ago and not invite me along. In the OP's case, however, it seems we have a man and a woman both willing to care for his mother, and that arrangement might actually work if she (OP) was in their own home rather than they being in her future MIL's.

Is there a way that the 3 of you could move to another home? It sounds like the best situation for everyone would be:

1)A house with a mother-in-law apartment (do they have those in England?)

2)A duplex, one unit for you and your fiance, one unit for your mother-in-law

3)two apartments next to or near each other

Any of those solutions would provide both privacy and proximity.

If that's still too close for you or if she doesn't want to leave her home, maybe the two of you could move out but move in to a place that is as close as possible, in the same neighborhood at least.

We were thinking of finding a home with a separate living space, and actually found a really good one nearby. It had two separate living spaces within the same house which would've been perfect for us. My fiancé and I both loved it, but my mother in law absolutely hated it because it was near a gypsy camp and the house was made of wood. She's been using every reason in the book to tell us why we shouldn't get this house to the point where I feel like she's being really irrational about it and there's something else that she has a problem with about moving. My fiancé thinks it's because she feels that she'll be pushed into the annex and feel like she has to stay there. I don't mind if she comes into the main part of the house to spend time with us, but at the same time I wish I could have my own kitchen, my own living room, and my own bathroom without her there all the time. I feel kind of bad pushing her to buy this house as we need to sell hers to buy it (she said she'll move in and it's up to us, but then keeps going on and on about why it's a bad house), but I seriously need my own space and I think this is the middle ground for us both. Of course I have a feeling that if we do get this house, she won't use her living space at all.

Leejosepho you're totally right, I wouldn't mind at all living with her if we had our own space. I actually feel kind of bad because she's getting on my nerves so much now, and it's for the smallest and silliest things that she doesn't deserve to be blamed for at all. I guess we just need to make it clear to her that we do need our own space and her option is either to let us move out on our own or find a house with separate living quarters. I think at the moment she's under the impression that we're totally okay with living in such a tight space with her. While house hunting, she said something like we have plenty of time and we just need to wait for the perfect house to pop up. I looked at her and thought she was absolutely mad, I'm going to have a baby in July and we don't even have room for a crib in our bedroom, let alone a nursery. She seems to think this house is perfectly suited for us.

Sure, and that is to be expected of someone with depressing fear/anxiety issues.

Push gently, but still move ahead ... and keep assuring her you are only doing what you are doing so all of you can still be together in a better/bigger place where she will not have to feel like she must do all the work. She will likely complain/object all the way along, of course, but just continue being sensitive and careful about how you word things so you do not give her any words she might later be able to throw back at you.