When in a social situation....

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....do you feel like you're always sitting/standing in the wrong place, the most awkward place where everybody's got their backs to you and you're in a position where it's even harder to make the correct body language to be able to join in better.

When I went on the Christmas meal with my work the Christmas before last, I was sitting in the most awkward place. I went to sit somewhere near the middle, but somebody said, ''if you sit over there, and we will sit here, then so-and-so can sit there...'' and I knew they were intentionally pushing me out the way, they were just arranging who can sit there. They were probably panicking because they wanted the life and soul people to sit in the middle, since all social events revolves around them. So I ended up sitting at the end of the end table, where I was in nobody's firing line and so couldn't really make much eye contact or even put on sociable body language because nobody could hardly see me. The person next to me had his back to me, talking to the people next to him, and the people opposite me kept turning round to talk to the people on the next table, and I was unsure of how to join in. If I was sitting somewhere where I could easily be seen and could hear what people were talking about, I will be able to join in, but being shoved up the corner out of everybody's sight and forgotten, it was more harder to join in. One of the others sitting near made the odd quick conversation with me, but that was all. I wasn't very included.

Does this happen to anyone else when you're at a social event?

Yes I have that and they turn away from me when I try to join in.

I try really hard when sitting at a big table of people to try and sit as much in the middle as I can. I used to sit on the ends so as to be less center of attention, but the more I came out of my shell, the more I wanted to be involved. I found that sitting in the middle and having the more social and outgoing people on either side meant it's more likely to be within a conversation or have two conversations on either side of me that I can listen and decide to join. I don't chose to associate with people that will intensionally turn their backs to me or keep me out of a conversation. I will only consider a request to change seats viable if it's to accommodate a couple that wants to sit next to each other, otherwise I will consider the request rude.

I have the same problem.

When choosing a seat, I always seem to end up somewhere outside of the social zone. Sitting near the end of a table is usually a dead place, because people will be talking more towards the middle of the table. However, in my experience, if I sit near the middle, the table simply seems to split in two halfs, with each half directing the conversation to the opposite direction, and I end up like an outsider again.

If I'm at a social gathering and some people are standing in a circle and talking and I join the circle, people always seem to move in a way that soon excludes me from the circle. If I change my position too and get back in the circle, they move again. Sometimes I wonder if they do it on purpose.

Therefore I always try to find someone who I either know well or who seems to be open minded enough to talk to me rather than ignore me and act like I don't exist like 99% of people do.

i would have got up and left the end of the end table and just walked home
there is no point belittling oneself and eventually at the end of this party i have
gone down to 0 level confidence so better not attend it or just leave it half
way so that people realise that they should not snub others..........

I'm content to watch from the sidelines. I'm uneasy when attention shifts to me. I can only handle at most two other people in conversation before I start feeling lost and out-of-place. Sometimes even that is too much. In bigger groups, I seek out the "hiding spots" to avoid attention.

The worst part of the evening was that another woman there had planned to walk to the bus station with me because she was getting the same bus as me at the same time, and it was dark and icy outside so it's better when there's two of you together, and suddenly the manager of our work said to the woman, ''oh I will give you a lift home if you like'', then suddenly looked at me and said, ''oh, I would give you a lift home too but there's no room in the back''. Without a second thought about me, the woman said, ''OK, thanks for that'', and nobody asked me if I was going to be all right walking by myself or anything. And the manager didn't feel guilty for offering one person a lift and not the other - and what made it worse was she has to drive past my street on her way home but this woman lived a bit out of her way, and I just think that was very selfish of her to do that. Not that I was expecting a lift or anything, and I would prefer to get the bus, but it was a matter of principle. And I partly disbelieved what she said about being no room in the back seat. OK, maybe it was genuine, but there's something about they way she said it which made it sound like she just didn't want to help me out at all. Even if I said no, it would have been my problem then and I wouldn't of complained, but when somebody doesn't offer you a lift at all, it isn't very nice.

So when I went, I thought I'd get on the bus before it got to the bus station so I wouldn't have to walk on the ice in the dark. But the bus-driver started to have a go at me asking me why I was getting on here when the bus station is just round the corner (the bus station was the end of the route and the start of the route back where it departed from), so I had to explain to him that I was planning on getting on here and staying on. He then felt guilty for yelling at me, and gave me a biscuit when we got to the bus station and started asking me if I was warm enough.

So that's another reason why I don't like social situations - I make plans with other people on how I'm getting home, then suddenly they let me down by screwing up the plan and not considering my feelings. So I've learnt something: when you're quiet, your feelings don't matter.

Concerning the situation above I would have to guess that there is a distinct possibility that the man in question had more than just intentions of giving your firend a ride. Yes, there are a lot of NT's out there who are rude and inconsiderate. Knowing that, however, doesn't make life any easier.

Are there any Aspie support groups where you're at?

My take

SOCIAL OUTINGS ARE BEST PLACES FOR US ASPIE"S TO MAKE A HUGE FOOL OUT OF OURSELF


after attending social functions one gets more and more irritated and ultimately depressed
and ends up looking like a clown

I do feel a sense of awkwardness in some social situations, such as the work Christmas party right after I started where I ended up spending most of the evening reading on my Iphone because everyone around me were talking to someone. We often have trivia contests and such things at gatherings and I tend to be the most popular person to get on a team for that, which does make me feel included. I never had many of the social issues that I see mentioned in this thread and others. I can't figure out if this is because of mild symptoms or because I was socialized to be social and thus had to "negate" or repress the social symptoms from an early age.

I do say the wrong things at times, including being overly literal and honest, luckily my coworkers are tolerant enough to accept my eccentricities and I accept theirs. I realize that I may not be wanted in certain conversations, just like they are not wanted in every conversation. If I'm discussing a serious topic with one of my educated colleagues, then neither of us want the guy who "just drops his 2c of useless s**t" into the conversation to join in.

That shows that you have a high level of positive self-esteem for the most part, and I think that makes a big difference.

You also mentioned the work Christmas party, and it reminded me of some mental work I did this past year regarding expectations. If I walk into a social situation expecting certain results, whether it be I hope that cute guy will talk with me, or I'll be the life of the party, or I hope everyone will leave me alone, then I'm setting up mental blocks against what may really end up happening, and every time something goes against a predefined mental block I get upset and disappointed. The thing is, I set myself up for that by creating mental expectations in the first place.

I can only be responsible for myself, and I shouldn't allow my mind to set up rules and regulations for how I think others should act. They may act much more favorably than I expect, or they may act down-right horrible. The only thing I can decide is to enjoy my time there. I've decided to attend the social event, so it's up to me to decide how I will enjoy the decision I made without preconceived notions of others' behaviors. I almost always have a gadget, game book, or reading book in my purse so that I know that if I'm starting to not enjoy myself for whatever reason, I can pull out one of my alts and still have a nice enough time entertaining myself.

If I get really bored and I'm okay with the potential added attention, I'll start playing with other things around me, regardless of how much it might embarrass someone else. As long as I'm having a good time, that's all that really matters.

Joe90, that is absolutely horrible to hear. I have a hard enough time coming to terms with general changes in plans that don't really have such negative consequences in the grand scheme of things, but that right there was downright despicable of them to do. I'm very secular and don't really believe in karma, or being held accountable at the pearly gates, or anything like that, but I really hope the universe sees fit to have that bite them both later on down the road.

These two paragraphs strike me as the core of the issue, expectations vs reality. Most people have hopes as to what will happen, but when expectations are set too highly then you end up not taking pleasure in anything because nothing lives up to your expectations. I often end up working on my mind palace when I get bored in social situations lately, because my latest obsession is improving my reading speed, retention rate and long term memory. An I-pad is also one of those things that I've started to enjoy more and more because not only is it a practical way to save myself from wasting time, if I pull it out in a social situation it always starts a conversation.

One thing I've noticed while reading this board that seems to make people here different from people I meet "out in the world" is that most people gain their confidence through being good at something. Yet it seems some of the people here who are very knowledgeable about their special interests or really good at something do not derive much confidence from it. In essence, in NTs it seems like confidence "carries over" into fields they are not comfortable in, whereas for aspies it seems like that's a lot more rare.

That's very sad, but true, especially for a few people I've read who have posted about how their interests tend to be turn-offs for most other people out there. It makes making friends that much more difficult.

There are ways to go about it though. In the US the passion is football. Personally, I could care less about kicking a bean-shaped ball down a field. But if someone were to tell me that some new design info came out on the Iowa Class Battleships - stop the presses! But I keep track of football because if nothing else, it's a neutral and mostly friendly icebreaker. NT's could care less about our passions. Thus, we must use their mediums to outreach to them.

-Longshanks

I tend to be extremely out of place when I go to social things. I stand out a lot by keeping to myself but I have problems when I do try to be more active in the environment. Others cut me off when I try to engage in the conversation. I'm unintentionally rude when people do talk to me but I never realize how what I said was rude. I just stay on the side-lines unless someone makes the move to talk to me or something; it's works better that way. i'm the black-sheep of social things; it's immediately obvious that I'm out of place