Failed marriage/long-term relationships - what went wrong?

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Hendy
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25 Aug 2012, 3:14 pm

We've managed to stay married for almost 10 years, but it's really rocky. I was just diagnosed Aspie (to no one's surprise, really) - he's NT, or at least closer to it than I am. Still figuring out just what that means and how many of our issues are Aspie-related and how many aren't.

So, for you folks out there who have failed marriages or long-term relationships - what are the top two Aspie-related things that made it not work?



nessa238
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25 Aug 2012, 3:31 pm

1. Me having flings with other people due to getting fed up with the mundanity of a long term relationship/having a lack of willpower

2. Them not understanding the stress having to mix with other people causes me

3. Them not being my intellectual equal

4. Me generally being argumentative and 'hard work' lol



Nonperson
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25 Aug 2012, 3:51 pm

My first marriage didn't work because my low self-esteem and guilt (from my "bad" behavior as an undiagnosed aspie) led me to marry a narcissistic sociopath who abused me, and when I figured out I didn't actually deserve that treatment I left.

My current marriage, well, I think my husband is on the borderline of AS himself. We usually get along very well. If we have a problem related to AS it might be that we both want so badly to avoid social situations we try to hide behind each other, or that he (being, I think, more NT than me) sometimes reads more into my emotions than is there: thinks I'm sad when I'm not, etc. or questions me about them too much for my liking, while I still have trouble reading him beyond "feeling good/feeling bad". We talk a lot about all this, though, so that helps.



hartzofspace
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25 Aug 2012, 6:26 pm

My first relationship failed because of two things; a significant gap in IQs, (mine was higher) and he was violent. He would put me down for "talking like a schoolteacher" when it was really that he dropped out of school early and was too dumb to comprehend me. I had only moved in with him to escape my dysfunctional mother, and only succeeded in leaving a bad situation for an even worse one.

My current relationship is a million times better, so can't complain there!


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njones0100
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25 Aug 2012, 7:51 pm

1. Lack of empathy (perceived or otherwise)

2. Obsession with random subjects.



Moondust
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25 Aug 2012, 8:20 pm

Aspie naivete that made me marry a potential wife murderer in the first place.


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InThisTogether
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25 Aug 2012, 8:31 pm

I'm not an Aspie, but I am not NT, either.

1) He did not see me as his equal. He made major decisions without my input and disregarded my input when I gave it. Like I was a child.

2) He made constant commentary on my social interactions. I should have done this, shouldn't have done that, etc. But actually, I think he was being controlling because I do not think my social faux pas are THAT bad. But he seemed to want me to be perfect.


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Hopper
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26 Aug 2012, 3:57 am

We separated for a while, but are back together. She is bipolar and observed the other day that, though not sure what she might come under, she's not NT. But for my part:

A (perceived) lack of empathy, and of being unemotional. I care, but my way of caring is to try and resolve whatever the upset is - cliche mars/venus stuff. I had - still do - great trouble in identifying my emotions, let alone showing or acting on them. I shutdown way more than meltdown (about 95% to 5%) - at least a meltdown would have shown something, as opposed to becoming blank and impassive.

I need plans and structure, she feels panicky with such things, preferring to 'flow' from moment to moment.

I never wanted to socialise, or make friends.

Inability to consider romantic gestures or have any idea how to conduct a relationship. They simply wouldn't occur to me, she thought I didn't think her worthy of them.

Not being able to work with her - no give and take, leaving all plans up to her (why would I plan to change when I don't like change? etc)

Needing to be in control of my environment - noise, temperature etc.

Even little things - both music lovers, she would talk about a song and how it moved her, I would agree and then break it down into technicalities as to why it had.

Separating for a while helped a lot - to get away from the worst of each other, and remember the best. My own realisation, after catastrophic attempts at dating, at how matched we were. We still live separately - I don't think either of us is up to sharing our space with another adult. And having come to understand myself a lot more, gotten the diagnosis and reading around and being able to talk about things, is a huge huge help, as is simply having grown up some. We have a much clearer idea of our own and each others' abilities/preferences/limits/ways, and work to accomodate them.



cozysweater
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26 Aug 2012, 4:38 am

A boyfriend once posted this picture on the fridge in our shared house with a note that said "I love you".
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Clearly I'm a judgy rule-oriented task master. Granted, he was a prototypical slacker complete with a 4' bong, but obviously I'm not the easiest girlfriend if that laid back a guy is posting cartoon pictures of judgement depicting me.