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equestriatola
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17 Sep 2012, 12:16 am

As I have explained, one of my impediments of having a GF is me being too obsessive about him/her, and that's a huge mistake for me.

Simply put, I want straight answers on this: How do I stop myself from putting off someone? It's so hard to find them.....


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icyfire4w5
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17 Sep 2012, 3:14 am

After reading certain NTs' writings, I dare say that I know how NTs generally view friendships even though I still don't know how to apply theories to real life. Generally speaking, NTs view their social circles as concentric circles. If I were an NT, I would view myself as a figure right smack in the middle of the social circle. I will spend most time and effort socializing with my Close Friends in my small Inner Circle, some time and effort socializing with my Friends in my average-sized Circle and least time and effort socializing with my Not-so-close Friends in my large Outer Circle. Most NTs won't go around announcing which friend is in which circle. They expect their friends to figure everything out themselves.

If...
You see yourself as NT's Friend+NT sees you as Friend=Perfect match :)
You see yourself as NT's Friend+NT sees you as Close Friend=Warning: NT might complain that you have been neglecting him/her.
You see yourself as NT's Friend+NT sees you as Not-so-close Friend=Warning: NT might complain that you have been too creepy or obsessive even though you are perfectly fine.

I'm sorry that I can't answer your question when I myself still haven't figure out why I have the tendency to offend people, but I hope that my post can explain one of the many reasons why NTs sometimes label Aspies as "creepy".



CrystalStars
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17 Sep 2012, 7:03 am

Maybe you should try being someone other than yourself.


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CrystalStars
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17 Sep 2012, 7:05 am

Really though, you just identified that the thing that puts them off is you over-obsessing with them. When they do come along, see what they're comfortable with and establish boundaries and give them the space they need.


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equestriatola
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18 Sep 2012, 4:43 pm

And just what should I do when that happens? I'm puzzled.


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1000Knives
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18 Sep 2012, 6:23 pm

Just don't care about anything.



equestriatola
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21 Sep 2012, 2:54 pm

Hmmm.... okay, you all seem to have valid points.


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helles
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21 Sep 2012, 3:22 pm

Well, first of all I am not NT. If somebody approaches me and tries to give me suptle clues to a crush or similar, I would Not get it, at all. Secondly I do not develop the in love/crush feeling. So to get into a relationship I need a guy who is really really interested and able to hold on for quite a long time before I develop enough affection for the person (I am not saying that I do not care, like, get interested or love other persons). I know there are quite a few other people like me on this forum (well, it does not make it a normal thing :) )
So you "just" have to find a person who really like to be adored and who like to get a lot of attention. But I guess that it could still be quite overwhelming, so I like the suggestion above about "see what they're comfortable with and establish boundaries and give them the space they need."


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GreyGooTheory
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21 Sep 2012, 4:37 pm

equestriatola wrote:
As I have explained, one of my impediments of having a GF is me being too obsessive about him/her, and that's a huge mistake for me.

Simply put, I want straight answers on this: How do I stop myself from putting off someone? It's so hard to find them.....


Your self-awareness seems pretty good, you've recognized that you're sometimes being obsessive. That's a great start.

I think the trick would be to start recognizing when you find yourself starting to be obsessive again, and try to curb the behaviour.
I know that's easier said than done, but that's what I would try to do in your situation.

I hope that helps a little...



daydreamer84
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21 Sep 2012, 6:46 pm

CrystalStars wrote:
Really though, you just identified that the thing that puts them off is you over-obsessing with them. When they do come along, see what they're comfortable with and establish boundaries and give them the space they need.


Make limits for yourself , like "I can only call/text *person* 3 times a week" and stick to them at all costs!



diniesaur
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21 Sep 2012, 9:52 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
CrystalStars wrote:
Really though, you just identified that the thing that puts them off is you over-obsessing with them. When they do come along, see what they're comfortable with and establish boundaries and give them the space they need.


Make limits for yourself , like "I can only call/text *person* 3 times a week" and stick to them at all costs!


YES! Even better, if you're able to, ask them for a specific limit, and ask them to tell you if you start to freak them out before they run away. You can explain to them about Autism if they don't know about it, and after that they'd probably understand better.



equestriatola
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22 Sep 2012, 7:57 am

diniesaur wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
CrystalStars wrote:
Really though, you just identified that the thing that puts them off is you over-obsessing with them. When they do come along, see what they're comfortable with and establish boundaries and give them the space they need.


Make limits for yourself , like "I can only call/text *person* 3 times a week" and stick to them at all costs!


YES! Even better, if you're able to, ask them for a specific limit, and ask them to tell you if you start to freak them out before they run away. You can explain to them about Autism if they don't know about it, and after that they'd probably understand better.


What should I tell them?


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22 Sep 2012, 8:17 am

equestriatola wrote:
As I have explained, one of my impediments of having a GF is me being too obsessive about him/her, and that's a huge mistake for me.

Simply put, I want straight answers on this: How do I stop myself from putting off someone? It's so hard to find them.....


I can really relate to this, i think first that person should know you better and know what your issues are in this case getting obsessed, what can also help is really forcing your mind to be distracted by doing something else, reading, gaming etc, and also just be honest, and make sure she can set clear limits and you should then do your best in turn to respect those limits, i know its hard but really try to take it slow once you get a girlfriend D: Make sure you have other things to do or to think of, it can be anything really :o Its alright to think about a person you like a lot, but not if it controls your life, like i said, i can very much relate to being obssesed with a person x_x

I hope my long winded answer helped somewhat. By the way, hi Equestriatola :)



equestriatola
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23 Sep 2012, 7:17 am

Moonhawk wrote:
equestriatola wrote:
As I have explained, one of my impediments of having a GF is me being too obsessive about him/her, and that's a huge mistake for me.

Simply put, I want straight answers on this: How do I stop myself from putting off someone? It's so hard to find them.....


I can really relate to this, i think first that person should know you better and know what your issues are in this case getting obsessed, what can also help is really forcing your mind to be distracted by doing something else, reading, gaming etc, and also just be honest, and make sure she can set clear limits and you should then do your best in turn to respect those limits, i know its hard but really try to take it slow once you get a girlfriend D: Make sure you have other things to do or to think of, it can be anything really :o Its alright to think about a person you like a lot, but not if it controls your life, like i said, i can very much relate to being obssesed with a person x_x

I hope my long winded answer helped somewhat. By the way, hi Equestriatola :)


Hello to you too. Hopefully, we can find more answers for me, and those with the same problem as myself....


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Feel free to talk to me, if you wish. :)

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23 Sep 2012, 8:14 pm

I would recommend watching the movie "Swingers" and also the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and following the recommendations from the Wise Characters no matter how hard it is. This is helpful in friendships and in romantic relationships, because really the rules are fairly similar.

It also helps to make sure that whoever you're being friends or romantic with is interested in one of your special interests. Then you have something to talk about. I'm NT, and I LOVE to hear aspies talk about special interests. It's like turning on TV or reading a book except it's knowledge from a real person. But if the other person knows about your special interest, or about something similar, then you might have a reason to be interested in them. It makes the socialization easier.