Not able to socialise even with people with aspergers?

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Do people with aspergers socialise better with other people with aspergers or can the same sorts of problems arise as when trying to socialise with NT's.

I am not officially diagnosed with an ASD and I only suspect I may have one (so maybe this is why I don't seem to be able to find anyone I get really cope with mixing with for extended periods of time) but one thing I do dislike is people just expecting me to drop what I am doing and socialise the minute they seem to want to make chitty chat or interact without giving me notice beforehand.

They ring without making an appointment or giving me notice and then get annoyed when I don't answer my telephone (I am sometimes otherwise occupied and do not wish to be distracted at that moment in time...I have an answering machine).

They do a similar thing on messenger even though I often have it set to away.

People (NT or otherwise) can also just decide to drop by at your place sometimes or want you to just drop everything on a whim and go around to theirs and so on.

This does my head in.

Firstly I may be otherwise occupied
Secondly if I am otherwise occupied (ie I may be studying, indulging my hobby, researching or just trying to get my housework done) I do not like having to just drop what I am doing to suddenly socialise.
When I am in a certain mode of thinking (ie study mode) I do not like being distracted from said mode until I am ready to make the transition into social mode naturally. I cannot change modes of thinking that quickly and need a little notice beforehand. So if someone starts nattering at me about an unrelated subject whilst I was in the middle of studying I can come across as distracted and uninterested in what the person is saying (and, honestly, at that point...I am actually as my mind is still on what it was musing before they interrupted me).

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The above is just one example.

But I have this problem with both NTs and people with Asperger's. Now admittedly I do have trouble making appointments right now and being reliable due to problems I am having with migraine headaches and excessive daytime sleepiness (I keep napping, even when I'm in the middle of doing something my brain will suddenly want to go to sleep (extreme drowsiness occurs) and I keep fluctuating between insomnia and hypersomnia which is causing me problems with functioning) so it is complicated, but really, I would prefer it if someone were to text me or message me asking if it is ok for them to drop round/ring/chat first.

If I don't reply to the message they can assume I am not at my pc, or near my phone, and am otherwise occupied (I may have dozed off for example or may be concentrating on my hobby/interest/hoovering up yadda yadda), however this rarely happens.

Firstly they just expect me to drop everything and chat and secondly if I don't reply they can become very upset with me.

In this respects socialising becomes very unpleasant and tiring. It tends to put me off wanting to have friends. However, I do find myself wondering why I have the same difficulty with people with Aspergers. Ok there could be another reason for my social problems, perhaps I don't have an ASD, but I thought people with Aspergers might be more easy going on the 'im preoccupied in my own world right now and don't want to come out and play' aspect of my nature.

Or does having an ASD mean it's impossible to be able to get on socially with anybody anywhere?

Any feedback welcome...

I have learned to sorta deal with it. My roommate is an NT and will bug me about this and that. I have to make a real effort not to get annoyed considering he allows me to jibber jabber on endlessly about my interests, hobbies etc. He is a good sport so I feel obligated to do the same. I have found occasionally smoking a joint with him alleviates most of my frustrations. Some of my QUIRKS do get worse though, such as eye contact is nonexistent, rattle on endlessly, stimming and so on. Hence the word "occasionally". He may have also figured out when I am approachable. I'll have to ask him.

Last edited by stitch4518 on 21 Dec 2012, 5:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe you find social interaction uninteresting in general, no matter who with.

I find social interaction difficult regardless of who it is. Conversations are a little easier when the special interest is a topic, or talking to someone with a higher intellect, or professionals such as doctors, therapists, computer experts or even experts in general... It's kind of like I'm at the same social level with people of higher intellect, like I know where the jargon I can understand it.

And the paradox is that I often feel lonely, although that is more so for a life partner than for social interaction as such (I dislike not having anyone to share a bond with and I like sex and intimacy). Outside of that, though, actually I have very little interest in socialising...

Outside of wanting a life partner, mostly I really just seek out people with whom I can discuss my interests and share a joke or two with. This sounds easier than it is as I need the person to be compatible with my general level of intellect and someone whom I can bounce ideas off and develop my lines of thinking with. Being that I am high grade average academically (mostly A grades) this can be rather difficult. It is like looking for a needle in a haystack...

I am presently studying with the Open University (as financially I cannot afford to go to a red brick uni at the moment), so you would think I would find many people there...but alas it seems even those studying on the same course have a somewhat limited way of thinking about or understanding the material and the people I speak to online who do not study do not understand the material at all.

It is only first year material and is not usually complicated at all, so I find their lack of understanding frustrating, although i try to be patient much of the time.

On saying that, if I do find someone who matches me intellectually they always seem to be stuck in intellectual mode when there are times I want to just relax and watch some NCIS for example. I am not always in intellectual mode. My other interests include movies, drama and arts and crafts as well as studying science, so sometimes I want someone to enjoy those things with instead of spending hours discussing theory and stuff.

I don't want to be inconsiderate or hurt anyone's feelings but I get so bored in social situations often for the reasons (and more) above.

Aspies are impossible to socialise with. It isn't like Aspies speak French while everyone else speaks English, it's each Aspie speaking their own language based on English. When two Aspies converse, the result isn't a fluent conversation in French, but an even more muddled conversation.

Socializing is boring, with both nts and autistic people. The only time it isn't boring is when I am talking to people about mutual special interest.

The_Walrus, could you please provide some support or additional context to the above statement?



Who gets upset when you don't answer your phone right away? I've dealt with people with that some of superiority complex, but they arn't all that common. That's what voice mail is for.

The same for me. The folks whom I've associated with throughout the years who I suspect were on the spectrum essentially, to me, were intelligent neurotypicals with poor eye contact and poor social abilities. IOW, there is no more comfort for me to communicate with fellow autists than there would be to hang out with nt's. It all turns out the same at the end with an unfulfilling journey.

I would suspect it's harder for two people with aspergers to socialize with each other. After all, two socially awkward people combined doesn't equal a social butterfly lol. It does, however, mean that there is a greater likelihood that the other person will understand and accept your social awkwardness.

I normally find it harder to socialise with other Aspies. This is because we're both trying to follow the "social norms", but neither of us are doing it perfectly, so when we try to read others facial expressions and such, we both keep making mistakes and the conversation goes everywhere.

Sorry if that didn't make sense :/.

I can relate to much of what you're saying here. I go to a local monthly autistic meet-up, and I don't really get along with the majority of people there. I mean, I can be friendly on a superficial level with most, but I will usually only speak to 2 or 3 people who share certain interests or similar philosophies on life.

When I visited the meet-up for the first time, it was because I had been feeling lonely for some time, since I wasn't attending school at the time or working and didn't have a social life beyond my relatives. So I tried different things, joining hobby clubs, taking a language course, and this autistic meet-up as well.

Initially, it was nice to find myself among other people who were socially awkward and who knew what it was like to experience autism, and we didn't have to explain that to each other from the bottom up like with most people.

But as time went on, I found that it was not necessarily EASIER to talk to and get along with other autistics- I'd get bored with some of the rants, or I'd be annoyed for various reasons. At this point, whenever I'm there, I don't much socialise at all, strangely, because most of the time I just don't know what to talk about.

Socialising in other places has developed in much the same direction over the last year or so.

I had joined a hobby club for amateur field biology, thinking I would finally find myself among people with the same interests. But after only joining a couple of times, I honestly didn't like it, because of the focus on classifying/systemising animals and plants- as in, going outside to look for mushrooms and write it all down in a little notebook. I didn't like that, because that's something I did lots and lots in my childhood already, and I had adopted a more 'romantic' approach to enjoying nature, not caring too much about the naming counting and ordering of species in a given area, but to enjoy the beauty of plant life and animal life in general.

Also, I disliked that the insect branch of the club collected live insects to be pinned on styrofoam (after which they died, obviously) for purpose of displaying them, which I consider needless killing of animals.

As for my language course, I also experienced that, while classmates would initially show interest in learning the language (Chinese), after only a couple of weeks they'd struggle (most of them) but also be kind of lazy about it. And that, in turn, took away the challenge for me.

All this social interacting over the past 3-2 years yielded me 2 friendships/acquaintances (of whom 1 is autistic), with whom I hung out a couple of times and sicnerely had fun... but at the same time noticed that it really wasn't for me. When we'd visit a museum, I'd feel tied down a little bit, because I disliked that I couldn't just roam around freely. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there was eventually little compatibility, little in common, also when it comes to real interests and views on life. I don't believe that that's a requirement for a friendship, but I didn't feel the 'click', so to speak.

So right now, I've come to the conclusion that maybe what I was longing for 5 or 4 years ago (friendship) isn't for me, or at least I haven't met the person yet. Maybe in the future.

So to bring it back on topic, I feel just as awkward among other autistics as I do among anyone else. Maybe slightly less because of the shared autism, but it's definitely not a guarantee for getting along like a house on fire as they say.

i met another aspie on the job, and i liked talking to him and we got along great, but then he got obsessed with me and fell in love, i think, and that killed it...
i got along wonderfully with another woman suffering from mild manic depression, but then she left the job and although she said she'd email me, she never did.
i like schizophrenic, autistic, ret*d, manic depressive people better and feel a bond with them. but i cant keep a friendship going for long. shame.
but the difference is with normal people i dont even WANT to make friends, not that i have anything against them. can be real nice people, but they dont even hold my interest. they're just plain boring. there's something about a faraway look in someone's eyes, like he's not all there, that pulls me toward that person like a magnet, but cant stay for long because that's the way i am, that's me.

I go to an autism group here and I see all of them socializing and doing eye contact and I am not even talking to any of them. I have had conversations before with some of them. I don't know what it is with me. I know it's just shyness and fear of doing the wrong thing because I have been rejected by other aspies and have seen them treat me like how NTs have treated me so I know they can just be as bad and they are human after all. Not all of them will like me or accept me and I won't get along with all of them. I just wait for them to come to me for me to talk to them. Plus I don't want to get too attached to anyone or else I may be harassing them. It may not all be autism for me and it can just be due to my past and bad experience. I do have a history of being obsessive with people and then doing stalkish behavior. Even my own friends didn't like me following them. So now I seldom get close to people and follow after them or even talk to them. I seem to be the extreme, it's either this or either that, no between.


But for me it depends on the person, aspie or not. Plus it has to interest me what we are talking about and I never know what to talk about anyway. I usually listen to the conversations and it's mostly about autism which is one of my interests. It's hard following it sometimes, especially if there is so much talking around me and it's hard to hear at the table, same as if more than one person is talking at the table. I also tend to interrupt if I speak and have a hard time processing something. I often have a hard time speaking up at the group because I have a hard time organizing my thoughts so I prefer to not say anything most of the time. So I just listen.

The social deficits in ASDs aren't biased

Yep, Bumble, I can sooo relate to what you are saying. When I was in my late teens and living at home with my parents, I would be craving to have the house to myself, yet the minute they walk out the door I would go into a panic attack. I would get all agitated and feel like climbing the walls. I could never understand it. These days, I crave to have some friends in my life yet I do not how to go about it really, not even at my age! I do have a partner now, which is great, coz we both sit at our computers in the same room while she does her thing and I do mine. We take turns to put the kettle on, or make a snack, so we even have our own mutual slave hehehe and yet, Tanya is NT but its like she intuitively knows what I need. (Well most of the time, coz she does have her moments where I could almost swear she is aspie and go off on a speil about something and I sit there and feign interest until I can bear it no longer and tell her politely I am a bit busy or not all that interested ).

Yet I have so much trouble interacting with my family, my older kids and also my younger aspie son. There is so much I just 'don't get', not just about other people, but about myself sometimes. I still feel lonely, perhaps due to depression, but I am on anti-deps. I just take things one day at a time these days.

Maz