Feel so dejeted, story of my life

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Joe90
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12 Mar 2013, 4:15 pm

Nobody likes me any more, it's my week off work and nobody wants to see me, they all happen to be busy or unwell this week so yeah that's how boring my f*****g worthless life is, it probably ain't them it's me being a f*****g social failure that deserves to die because there's nothing in this world to live for if you're some f*****g loser like me.

Can't go out to meet people at the pub because I'm too f*****g quiet and scared to say anything to people. Can't join clubs because a) there's not much of that in my area and b) I tried what there is in my area before and I didn't get anywhere with it really, just sat quietly in the corner listening to a bunch of narcissists going on and on about themselves what everyone seemed drawn to. I'm just too f*****g quiet, that's my problem.

Why am I so quiet? Why are we so quiet? Why are we so scared of speaking up? Humans are just a pile of cells, we'll all be dead one day so why do I worry so much about speaking up and worrying about what people think of me? Why am I so scared of hearing my own voice? Why am I such a social wimp? What do I think people are going to do if I do speak up in a group? Bite me? But there is no logical answer and no solution. I'm just so f*****g shit-scared of speaking up and making friends and that's that. So I'm just doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. I hate my f*****g brain I hate the way it's wired why can't I just be a neurotypical like everybody else I know? Why do I have to have this nasty f*****g shitty Asperger's Syndrome for? Where has it come from? Did the wrong sperm get to the egg when my mum and dad were wasting their time making me? Why have I come out a loser? I'm an abomination. I might aswell be ugly and deformed, from the way strangers stare at me and ''friends'' reject me. It's not fair, it really isn't.

I f*****g HATE YOU ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND AT THE MOMENT DON'T MEAN THIS PERSONALLY BUT I HATE EVERYONE WHO EMBRACES THEIR f*****g s**t CALLED ASPERGER'S SYNDROME BECAUSE IT REALLY IS A f*****g PAIN UP THE ARSE TO HAVE AND ALL IT'S SYMPTOMS ARE A f**k UP I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT I f*****g HATE IT ! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!


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morslilleole
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12 Mar 2013, 4:50 pm

I can relate, I am often told I am too quiet as well. And if I did have a week off, it would probably be spend 90% alone or more. But the way I see is that a lot of it is just generic, boring and useless small talk. That's just a waste of time. I want to meet people whom I can talk too and who doesn't find me too quiet or anything.



cathylynn
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12 Mar 2013, 5:19 pm

you said your friends are busy or sick. how come that's "the end of the world"? you do have friends. they're not perfectly healthy or perfect, so they and you are human. everyone, with or without an ASD, faces things like this. it pays not to get suicidal at every rejection.



Greatsharkbite
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12 Mar 2013, 7:06 pm

It resonates somewhat. Your story and its hard to not let it get you down, if its the way that you feel. But I don't think that makes our lives worthless on any level.

... Being neurotypical isn't really anything to be thrilled over, if you examine and think it over very few people fit the traits or neurotypical, they simply don't have a disorder that makes it difficult to socialize.

You get down, but none of your posts really strike me as boring--and if they did, those things are a state of mind--its easy to get swept into the illusion if a few peers consider something interesting that it actually is. even if you don't find it interesting Nope--its interesting to them. But we make the mistake of not even giving something a chance. You should try and not dwell on what you perceive others think--I think overthinking is probably what brings people with aspergers down the most. Particularly your issue (and my issue as i've posted) on how others perceive us, even casual people we walk by.

That being said--among speaking up the hardest thing probably is to venture outside of your own interests in order to be more attune to others, kind of give and take. I don't think speaking up, or stepping away from your own interests or comfort zone impossible to work on either.,



hyperlexian
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13 Mar 2013, 8:13 am

i don't know what to tell you besides giving you a (((((hug))))). also, i thought of you when i saw this video yesterday. i am sure you've seen it before, but it made me smile:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkTw7J-hGmg[/youtube]


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b9
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13 Mar 2013, 8:57 am

the most beautiful love you can ever feel is your own love.



CockneyRebel
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13 Mar 2013, 9:34 am

Sweet Pea hugsImage

Image


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rapidroy
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13 Mar 2013, 11:05 am

The social issues really can suck, I went to a birthday party recently and all I wanted to do was get to know some of my old and likely soon to be dead extended family members. In reallity all I could do was walk around up to people and hope they talk to me, I was lucky if I could get 2 points across before getting lost or sit qualitly in my shutdown state and say hello or good bye when called apon. I tryed using a few stratigys like standing by my dad and using him to start a disscuision then joining in when the topic turned to one of my special intrests for example, I also singled out those who I knew I had a better chance with, I tryed one on one when i got the chance. It feels so loanly and helpless when your mind works great however your brain says thats enough ands packs it in for the duration leaving me to witness it all knowing I must look really autistic, why does lots of people being around have to over stimulate anyway all my brain has to do is a little sound filtering and the like and all would have been good. I may never ever get to know my old great aunts and uncles all becouse of having asperger syndrome, yet becouse of my age i'm expected to attend these events, act and socialize like everyone else.

I will do all I can to acpect it, find positives etc. becouse this is what I have got to work with for life and aslong is i'm alive so are my opes and dreams, although its so hard to watch my 1/2 brothers become perfect model NT's when their genetic chances of autism were surely greater then mine, everyone is so proud of them. Maybe having meny aspies and ND people makes it easier however i'm the only one I know and see, how does that happen in a genetic condishion?



eric76
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13 Mar 2013, 10:37 pm

nm



Joe90
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14 Mar 2013, 3:47 pm

I just keep getting really depressed because of the lack of friends, and I do desire friendships. I worry that nobody truly likes me, and I know that I'm not a nasty person so I blame it all on this horrible AS because it holds me back.

Yes I have some friends but I still have to do all the running, and I think if I didn't keep in touch I'd probably never see them again really. I'm not exactly hated by anyone, but I feel that nobody truly likes me. I just exist. I'm too shy to go out to the pub Friday nights with my brother and mix with people there. Also I work every other week-end, which I really HATE. I know I get every other week-end off, and it's a good thing. And that's another thing; I feel I am really odd to other people at work. A few weeks ago I was eating a crispy bar and one of my co-workers walked past and said, ''ooh, lion bars, I like those!'' I knew it wasn't a lion bar I was eating, but I didn't bother to correct her, I just said, ''yeah, they are nice.'' Then when she walked by again, she said, ''no, wait, that isn't a lion bar, what is that?'' I then felt silly and so I tried to turn the situation into a joke, so I said, ''it's a crispy cereal bar, but it tastes as good as a lion bar.'' She probably thought, ''why didn't she just say it's not a lion bar? I find her a bit odd sometimes.'' I HATE being defined as odd. I want to be automatically liked and thought of as ''normal''.

Also at work there's a girl there who I used to be good friends with at school. She does speak to me, but I could tell she thinks she's better than me because she knows I'm quiet and shy and she's not (although she used to be shy at school). When there's another girl of our age about, she'll go and talk to her and not even try to include me, even though I try to look willing (but not in a ''creepy'' way, I just give them friendly looks). She could at least introduce me to some of the others by saying something like, ''I was good friends with her at school'', and then a conversation of small talk might start up where I can feel comfortable of joining in without worrying that I may be butting in or anything.

I'm not bad with social cues, but these are two things I can never figure out, however much I work on them:-

Go with someone = you're ''following'' them
Stay right where you are = you're being ''standoffish''/''shying away''

Join in a conversation = you're ''butting in''
Just listen quietly to a conversation = you're too ''quiet''

I can't win whatever I do! :cry:


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staremaster
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15 Mar 2013, 1:22 pm

Eh, I wish I didn't know what you're talking about. I once had an experience where I phoned two "buddies" of mine to hang out. One didn't answer his phone, the other said he was at work. I thought "oh well" and went to the bar alone. Lo and behold, both of these dudes were sitting at the bar. It was kind of awkward.



Greatsharkbite
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15 Mar 2013, 1:29 pm

I think realistically everyone is a little odd.. and I think ironically even if you're teased about it, you need to be a little odd to stand out.

I kinda do things like with the rice krispy bar incident, where i've lied about something in order to fit in. Though I kinda have tried practicing not to do that. I think we agree with these things because we desire genuine emotional connections or attachments, we hate when people cut conversations short with us and we hate feeling excluded.

But by being avoidant or not showing an interest or bothering to correct people, we indirectly choose not to include ourselves. There are many people i'd prefer not to socialize with..but there are many people who I could socialize with if I reached out more. Someone saying hi or greeting you, or mentioning they're going to lunch.. or any other countless amounts of situations--is showing interest. They do it for a little bit--then they stop completely and its only then that the balls in your court. Those who you avoid wonder if you truly like them, those you're not genuine with wonder if you're truly their peer.

Probably the hardest thing is not only social cues, but being yourself. When someone comments on something don't agree with it if you find it untrue, even if they're just joking--if it makes you feel uncomfortable speak your mind on it. I still struggle with this issue, particular as mentioned in an earlier post of mine, this guy was making me feel really uncomfortable.

It wasn't until I snapped and told him to shutup that he finally left me alone--completely. I don't care--life is short and I seriously don't have time to waste with people making me feel that way. Aspergers more like needs to be renamed overly kind syndrome disorder, we shouldn't waste time if people actually have no interest--their loss and we shouldn't tolerate people who we feel make us uncomfortable without saying or acting just because of prior bad experiences.



eric76
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15 Mar 2013, 8:48 pm

staremaster wrote:
Eh, I wish I didn't know what you're talking about. I once had an experience where I phoned two "buddies" of mine to hang out. One didn't answer his phone, the other said he was at work. I thought "oh well" and went to the bar alone. Lo and behold, both of these dudes were sitting at the bar. It was kind of awkward.


I'm usually the one who finds excuses not to socialize with people. It's not the people but just the fact that I'm not all that social.



rapidroy
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15 Mar 2013, 11:29 pm

Greatsharkbite, great post, I was a little more open when my best friend last time I saw him recently, he said I usually appear "shutdown" when we meet and talk. I found it quite enlightining to hear him use that word to discribe my usual personallity since I don't even know if he knows what autism really entails let alone that I have it, though he knows I have something. Your post makes alot of sence as how meny people really want to spend time with someone who is always shutdown.

I agree with overly kind syndrome disorder, I have so meny most sportsman like(fill in the blank) awords yet they haven't translated into close friends, thats the most puzzleing thing about this disorder is how I can be considered so nice, honest, sweet etc. and yet not be wanted in the lives by the people who think this way, perhaps what I wrote above explains it.



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16 Mar 2013, 3:04 am

Communication skills are important to fit in socially.

There is a girl in my office, who doesnt communicate much. And she speaks weird things when asked.
Her replies are not relevant to the question being asked.

People found her weird and most of them avoided her.

I would have been friends with her but she was too quite, withdrawn and whenever i tried communicating
with her she seemed aloof.

She got terminated from the job. So its important to learn communication skills inorder to survive
or otherwise be very strong in your work.

Punctual, hardworking, expressive, creative and then chances are you wont be sacked.

About having a social life its even i am a failure in that area. I have stopped inviting people over or asking them out
I just do random talk with them.

Expectation leads to disappointment


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