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ParaSait
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14 Oct 2013, 8:50 am

If it's specifically me who is supposed to talk, there's not really a problem. But I've noticed that this happens in any social situation where multiple people talk to one or more person (for example, A, B and C all explain something to D, or to each other).
Sometimes it's so bad that I can't even speak the first word of the sentence without someone completely ignoring and interrupting me. This can kind of tick me off, especially if I feel like I have the most valuable things to say in that conversation (which is usually the case).
And, again, this does not just happen with a specific set of people, it tends to happen in any such situation. So I think it has to be a problem on my side, of one kind or another.

What can I possibly be doing wrong? Is it because I speak too quietly? Is it because I have to actively call the attention to myself somehow? Is it because I begin to talk at the wrong moment (that would seem very ironic to me, since I begin to talk when there's silence, and others begin to talk in the middle of my sentence)? Or is this rude behaviour on people's side just considered to be normal from the NT perspective?
See, I really have no clue even as to what the nature of this problem is. I think some people can probably relate and give me that clue...


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Si_82
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14 Oct 2013, 9:27 am

Yeah, happens to me all the time. Think it certainly relates to our apparent inability to follow some social conversational cue or body language or other. Whatever the cause, it does seem very rude and is infuriating. Once that crap starts I tend to just withdraw from the conversation as it's usually not worth the stress.


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glider18
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14 Oct 2013, 9:31 am

I notice this happens to me a lot too. I have thought it might have to do with the inflection of my voice or something. I do know that many times I can say something fairly loud and no one takes notice. I have often said I could yell some secret and it would be safe because no one would hear me.


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14 Oct 2013, 9:55 am

I personally made the suggestion, that its out of the missing recognition of social habbits. People mentioned to me, of not being aware, that I am listening to them, because of me not instantly talking at all and giving an "absent" impression to them. So it sometimes freaks people out, when I suddenly express something to the general topic, making people aware that I was totally listening to them all the time, while them thinking I would have been absent. Friends of my partners game me the name "The sudden voice of the Off." (In german, something coming from the Off means, something coming from an direction, where you dont expect something to come.)

I tried to study people, when doing group conversation, and they seem to be aware, when someone will be ending his argument soon, as well if other want to answer this arguments. I think that this is highly based on facial expression, so when one tells something, and others hear it, they have feelings toward the heard informations, and their physics instinctively reacts to that. Eyes are getting wider or more closed, eyebrows get raised, muscles soften themselve or get straightened, lips edges move to small amounts. This micro-face movements tells the others, that they are listening to the information. Having an "dead eye herman monster" face, tells people instead that you are not listening to them, because of your face expressing no reaction to the informations.

As well as "having an idea" has an face/body expression and lets people react. So as example A is talking and B, C and D listen to him, which is recognazible for them. B and D got an idea to an respond, which all of them are able to recognize. If its an addition to the information A says, the normally will let A end his information. While if Bs and Ds ideas are in opposition to As information, among friends it is to some parts as well acceptable to intterrupt each other, by thinking that A ending his information would not make sense, because of him changing his oppinion anyway when hearing Bs or Ds information to it. If B or D are talking next is in my oppinion decided by social rules. So all recognize that B and D want to add something to As information. The one that will normally passively be decided by social rules, so as example if B feels himself to have an less important oppinion then D, (out of various reasons like group status, or D knowing A better, or D having because of his background more knowledge to an certain topic), he normally will let D say his response first... which is again recognizable for the group. So both have the "Oh, there was something just coming to my mind now that A is talking about it, now I want to tell that!" expression, that will soften for one of them, afterward it is silently decided, whom of both will respond first...

Understandable by logic, but not managable to copy for me. I´ll stay being the voice out of the Off.



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14 Oct 2013, 10:10 am

OP, are you in the UK?

Don't know if you are or are not, but people in the UK do this all the time, and I'm talking about just plain old NTs. There's a culture here of everyone interrupting everyone else, talking over each other, not letting someone finish a sentence. I notice it all the time even when I'm not even part of the conversation.

Your problem might not even be related to any deficit in your own timing and judgement but more about how rude and careless other people are becoming these days.

.



monsterland
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14 Oct 2013, 10:15 am

I have this problem too. It's quite frustrating when my cousins do this to me. They just seem to YELL over me, and when I yell over people, I sound angry. So I don't.

I noticed that some NTs manage to keep speaking despite being yelled over, by automatically spiking their voice volume to compensate for the "intruder". To me, it just seems like work.

It's also frustrating to be in company of people and someone just starts talking about something boring and they never stop, but they are UNINTERRUPTIBLE because of their voice inflections which give a faux sense of importance to the nonsense they are spewing.



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14 Oct 2013, 10:18 am

I thought, that it were only us danes, who lacked manners :lol:
Group conversation can be a veritable contest, and it is not the loudest speaker, who wins.
It is the one who is best at displaying authority.


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Santarii
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14 Oct 2013, 10:27 am

Silence doesn't always mean someone is finished talking.
I'm often 'interrupted' but it's usually because I misjudged whether the person was finished talking.



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14 Oct 2013, 11:49 am

True.
I have always felt very bad, when I was interupted, - or rather cut off. Well, sometimes I ramble or say something off track, - or interrupt others, - but often it is because I lack authority/am a little insecure.
A course in assertiveness would be a good christmas present for me and many others inhere!! !


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Last edited by Jensen on 15 Oct 2013, 12:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Marybird
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14 Oct 2013, 12:12 pm

This happens to me all the time in group situations and I don't know why, but it lets me off the hook from further participation in the conversation.



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14 Oct 2013, 1:06 pm

My Hypothesis:

It is because your non-verbal cues are no match for non-verbal cues that neurotypical brain processes into meaning of other person is taking turn speaking so I should not speak at same time.

Neurotypical brain anticipates when other people are going to speak so neurotypical speech is synchronized with no pause between speakers taking turns in group interactions.

This is automatic social brain function that neurotypical people cannot inhibit so they are unlikely to be ignoring you or being rude to you on purpose.


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14 Oct 2013, 3:39 pm

This is why I have social anxiety. It's because I'm so afraid to speak up or join in a conversation in case I don't get heard or just get ignored. So I tend to stay quiet. Sometimes I think of really good things to say what are relavent to the conversation and sometimes are even necessary, maybe something what everybody in the group wants to know but none of them do, and I'm the only one in the group who does. Like last Friday at work, one of the people in the staff canteen wanted to know where a certain street is because she needed to get off the bus there, and nobody in the room lived near and all said they didn't know. I was the only one who did live near and knew the name of the road but I stayed quiet because I was too worried of speaking up because there were too many bossy extroverts in the room who probably didn't even know I existed. It was horrible because I did really want to say. I nearly said it, but then one of the loudest extroverts stood in front of me and started blabbering on about something else so I thought, ''OK, the conversation about that has ended now anyway''. Oh, I really hate myself sometimes! :x


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14 Oct 2013, 6:09 pm

It happens to me. It's annoying because I rarely speak :lol:



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14 Oct 2013, 6:33 pm

I am one who tends to cut other people off. I don't mean to. I actually try to pay attention to when it is my turn, but whatever that subtle thing is, I don't always pick up on it.

It is possible you are not giving the nonverbal cues that you would like to speak. I don't exactly know what those might be, but I agree with btbnnyr. I don't think it is intentional. I just think some kind of sync is not happening.

Perhaps if you discuss this with someone you trust IRL, they could give you some insight?


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14 Oct 2013, 7:05 pm

It happens to me very often, too. I once decided not to tell my colleagues something important because I didn't get the chance. They had to face the consequences and I laughed about it.

In my case the most likely causes are the following.

-The timing is wrong.
-Somehow my way of talking doesn't fit the flow of the conversation.
-Not talking confidently makes people think that I don't know what I'm talking about and it's not worth listening to.
-Talking slowly makes people inpatient.
-Trying to mention the details in an organized way makes people inpatient.
-People don't generally have respect for me and they, particularly in a group situations, think listening to me seriously makes them look stupid. They pretend that I'm not even present.

I had better mention that not all people are like that. Some people appreciate my style of talking and listen to me. They recognize that I have good things to say that are worth listening to.