Social confusion...not capable of enjoying it

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bumble
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08 Jan 2014, 2:20 pm

How can a person want to find a life partner to share a bond with but dislike the act of socialising because they find it uninteresting.

Somewhere in my head I thought socialising might be fun, laughs, shared jokes, congenial banter about subjects of mutual interest, doing social activities together (like visiting museums). Then I tried it after being away from all things social for some years and...disappointing is an understatement.

What I have found thus far are grumpy gossips who sit around saying nasty things about each other, lots of people rattling on about their social encounters such as what someone said to someone else (someone you don't know) and someone else said about that and...lots of conversations about the weather.

I just don't enjoy it.

It's a strain thinking of things to say (tiring, gives me a headache)
Awful having to make chit chat when I feel more like entertaining my own thoughts
Annoying when it comes to having to put up with complaints (smiled in wrong place...so was yelled at, am told I am too quiet, people not liking me sitting alone when I really didn't feel like company) and so on.
Not knowing how to start a conversation and giving myself a brain ache trying to figure things out.

Being made to chit chat or interact when i want to be alone with my hobbies/thoughts is the worst thing. It's like being tortured.

I want a life partner for romance and shared activities together but don't want social interaction or relationships of any other kind because I don't enjoy it.

I know people say I should be interested in general social chit chat, but honesty I am not and I am tired of forcing it.

I also don't want friends calling around at all hours when I am trying to read or practice piano etc. I don't mind entertaining a lover once in a while but lots of girly buddies nipping in for endless cups of tea, girly hugs and episodes of big brother. Oh dear god help me! NO

It isn't just bullying that puts me off interacting with others humans, with a few rare exceptions where the conversation was fascinating I just do not enjoy the company of others. Even when the conversation is very interesting I still need to keep buggering off on my own a lot of the time to go do my own thing for a bit. I hate having people around me for more than a few hours now and again (all day every day would drive me insane).

I don't see how they are going to resolve this by curing my 'social anxiety'. I just don't enjoy being social. It's boring and horrible and all I want to do is head to the gym, fanny around with my paleo diet, ride the bus to the coast, take some pictures of beautiful blue, feed the seagulls, read my book about sharks on the way back then come home and practice piano....all in peace and quiet without humans talking in my ear, bickering, judging, creating drama and rambling on about things I don't (and can't make myself) give a s**t about (such as social kudos and how socially cool something is).

What is it about me? why can't I enjoy the social thing.

It looks like fun in the movies...its not so much fun in real life. It's horrible.



Janissy
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08 Jan 2014, 2:46 pm

bumble wrote:
I want a life partner for romance and shared activities together but don't want social interaction or relationships of any other kind because I don't enjoy it.




Quote:
It isn't just bullying that puts me off interacting with others humans, with a few rare exceptions where the conversation was fascinating I just do not enjoy the company of others. Even when the conversation is very interesting I still need to keep buggering off on my own a lot of the time to go do my own thing for a bit. I hate having people around me for more than a few hours now and again (all day every day would drive me insane).


.[/quote]

I'm not sure how you would reconcile these two things. They aren't entirely mutually exclsuive but the area of overlap is so small that you need to look for a very specific man. He would have to be somebody who is also pretty non-social so that he would be ok with a relationship where you only saw each other sporadically and only for short chunks of time. Meeting such a person by chance encounter while you are out doing your activities seems unlikely since by his very nature he would not be the sort of man who would chat up a random girl doing similar activities. The man you want would be the sort of man who inherently wouldn't do that because he wouldn't be chatty at all. If he were chatty, you would be incompatible as partners. It's a conundrum.

I suppose online is the best place to find him, whoever he is. Though I have no idea what the best places to look would be. It's so very specific that if you ever did find him he would be a great match for you. But since he would need to have matching social needs (which is to say, needing to not be social most of the time), he might not be looking for anyone very vigorously and so not be on any of the usual matchup sites.

In order to get any value from psych appointments, you will have to be very specific in what you do want from them. Otherwise they will keep trying to get you to be more sociable because that may be how you look to them- as somebody who needs help being more sociable. If that's not the help you want, you have to tell them what you do want.



Callista
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08 Jan 2014, 2:52 pm

I think you need to find people who also enjoy topics you find fascinating. Shared interests are a great basis for a friendship. And I am sure there are many other people who don't enjoy gossip and small talk. I sure don't.


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ResilientBrilliance
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08 Jan 2014, 3:06 pm

I don't think I'm knowledgeable enough to give wise advice. I just know that I also am turned off by the gossiping people do. I've resolved that it's just "normal" for social people to do. I'm the only one who finds it disgusting. I don't think I'm being biased--quite the opposite. I'm being too objective and logical. I even googled this once, and got an article saying gossiping brings people closer together.
And also, they enjoy socializing vastly more than I do because the topic is secondary to them. I think the movies leave out the bad parts. Even neurotypicals get annoyed with each other, I think they just find it to be more worthwhile.



bumble
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08 Jan 2014, 3:14 pm

Callista wrote:
I think you need to find people who also enjoy topics you find fascinating. Shared interests are a great basis for a friendship. And I am sure there are many other people who don't enjoy gossip and small talk. I sure don't.


Sharks, piano, paleo nutrition, riding buses around the coast.

I'll try!

I sometimes knit and want to learn to crochet but its not at my top of my list at the moment. My main interests used to be fitness, nutrition and the its link with mental health, and cross stitching but the nutrition was replaced with paleo nutrition, the fitness remains with gym visits but is more weight training based than aerobics based like it used to be and I don't cross stitch very often these days. Those would have been easier interests to pursue friendship wise. Didn't make any friends even then though.

I haven't made friends in 20 years. A few online contacts that come and go here and there, and the occasional lover (even if briefly) but no friends. Last time I had friends was at college. They used to come to me for advice about their work, but the friendships faded out once the course finished.



musician_enigma
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08 Jan 2014, 4:04 pm

Hm... I would say l am neutral to social interactions. If someone wants to talk to me then I'll converse about whatever, overall I do more listening (and laughing) than talking. Usually I can make acquaintances, as I get along with most, and people seem to think highly of my personality traits and technical abilities. Regardless, I am still very much the loner; Everyone seems to become good friends with someone, except me. It's a mystery I can't quite solve or understand but it's whatever. When feeling down over this I have to remind myself to not care, which brings me back from the abyss.
s**t, I mean, I am me always and damn I'm awesome. Social interactions are pointless though because they lead to no where of importance. I do place great value on friendship, but really I don't need anyone. I will be just fine, with this freedom of not being bound by obligations or trying to develop then maintain friendships. People only know me by personality, but they don't actually know me (I am sure I'd have less acquaintances if they did).
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with people, to be able to completely eradicate my occasional yearning for some kind of meaningful connection. Dilenma is, I find people interesting...

Just my perspective from neutral (albeit deviation either way depending on the circumstance and outcome) enjoyment of social interaction.



starkid
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08 Jan 2014, 8:16 pm

I've found that I don't mind socializing as much when it's with someone I care about. The trivial details of people's lives are somewhat more interesting when I know them and take an interest in them, and just being near someone who makes me feel good takes off the edge of boredom of the subject matter.

I think perhaps you will find the same is true for you if you ever come across such a person.



dianthus
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09 Jan 2014, 4:08 pm

bumble wrote:
How can a person want to find a life partner to share a bond with but dislike the act of socialising because they find it uninteresting.


I am the same way and I consider it to be two totally different things.