Do people patronise you?

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Do people speak to you like you were a child (or younger than your age)? Or like you didn't understand?

People do that to me all the time. It's so annoying, and embarrassing, especially when my classmates watch it happen. When I do simple tasks I get a "Great job!" and "You are a very good girl". When I go to the doctor they ask me over and over again if I'm okay and if I can do this. They pat me on the head and when I go by taxi the driver helps me fasten my seat belt.

Yes. It annoys me.

Sorry but I have to comment, your avatar is so damned cute. Where did you get the picture please?

I feel patronised a lot. My friend seems to think I am unknowledgeable and makes me feel like it too. Like a few weeks ago it was saying in the papers that the UK was going to wind up having a freezing cold winter with lots of blizzards and temperatures reaching way below 0 Celsius, just because parts of America had it. My friend turned to me and said, ''oh yes, my mum always said that when America gets it, we get it 10 days later.'' I then said, ''that can depend on where the jet-stream lays...'' but she interrupted me and wouldn't listen. Now it's well over 10 days and there's no snow in the horizon for this part of the country, so I was right. I could tell she felt guilty for yelling at me thinking she was right.

But anyway, I hate feeling patronised, like I don't know nothing or don't feel anything. Like when I first had my job, I was telling someone that I knew, and she was like, ''aww, that's really good, awww, you have a job, aww, that's really good.....'' I know she was chuffed and all that but there's no need to make me feel like it's a cute situations like a young 12-year-old who has found a little job between school hours.

Also I hate it when people think I'm a prude, and they apologize for swearing or talking about things like sex. I can have a dirty mind, I do swear, I have had sex before - I do not need to be apologized to.

Last edited by Joe90 on 24 Jan 2014, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

I get a bit of the same kind of treatment as you originally described, only more subtle.

The more subtle it is the more out of line you appear to be if you complain about it. And if you complain about it, it reinforces any notions they may have had about you being weak, petty, and in need of being treated this way.

But if you don't complain about it, you stew over it later and it keeps you up at night.

Sometimes it's nice to be patronized...(well, I suppose it wouldn't be called patronizing then...) Other times it's downright infuriating.
If you appear to have low self-esteem people tend to patronize you more.

I love it when I can break the cycle. But unfortunately I don't have any advice on most situations, how to do so.

I was talking to one of our programmers here at work, and there was a misunderstanding between us about a technical aspect of the application we develop.

We hashed it out until we figured out what we were doing differently from each other. In my natural analytical sort of way I said "Sometimes when someone says X I take it as this, and also It would probably be helpful for me to be more explicit in my reply" (or something like that)

With good intentions, he gently yet condescendingly says, "You're fine. You shouldn't worry about it." I was in a daze for a moment because I'm going -- "this guy just thought he needed to reassure me." This is not what as intended at all. To me it is like someone else saying "If they would have put Johnson in to pitch they would have won the game". It is an observation. Nothing more.

Anyway he looked at the expression on my face and backpedaled, fearing he had offended me. what broke the cycle is that I never again made any passing comments about explicitness vs non-explicitness, reactions, replies, tendencies, language patterns, phraes, etc. I just don't. it's just easier now because he doesn't think he has to reassure me that I'm "fine."

I'm not sure how to break other cycles.

Not much you can do about that as I find most people will assume you have low self esteem if you don;t live up to some expectation they have of you. They assume you must feel bad about that.

The best thing you can do for yourself?

Confront them. Tell them, flat and stern, "Talk to me like an adult. Please." Make eye contact and speak, if possible, but looking away and using writing is fine if you are eye-contact adverse or non-verbal, just so long as the message gets across.

Most NTs assume that how you project yourself socially is indicative of how you are mentally. If you have trouble being social, as most individuals with ASD do, NTs often subconsciously place you as mentally deficient and like a child.

You need to remind them that this is not the case. A healthy dose of shame is exactly what is called for, because what these people are doing to you is completely shameful, and they should be informed of that.

Love this comment. I am definitely going to bookmark this thread.

Yes, I used to get patronized a lot. That is why I put a lot of effort into acting like a normal person. Whenever I notice people being patronizing, I just gossip about it instead of complaining about it to their face.

I hate being patronized even though most people have good intentions. I was playing a scrap game of hockey and was playing poorly. Suddenly, everyone started taking easy shots like you would on a child. I proceeded to slam my stick as hard as I could and said "don't f***ing patronize me!". I would much prefer to lose 99-0 than to have someone treat me like I can't compete or am disabled.

Yes people patronize me all the time (or I like to call it "matronizing" if the person doing it is female). They do it in person and they do it online too. If it were only the former I'd say it's because I am female and pretty and I look younger than my age. But people also do it over the phone when they have never met me in person. Usually what happens is people talk to me like they think I don't know about something and they have to teach it to me or make me aware of it. I am not sure what it is that makes people talk to me that way but I hate it.

That happens to me a lot too. I think I am just stating something very matter-of-factly and the other person acts like they need to console me or reassure me.



EXACTLY. And they also like to compare their own situation to yours and assume theirs is better or more desirable therefore you must feel bad about your situation.

I have problems with this too. People will often tell me things that are obvious or that are easy to work out or tell me about stuff that I already know about and which is very basic. I am sure that sometimes they mean well, but it drives me around the bend.



I can ditto this too!



Yes exactly. Even at times when it was a choice that you made and you are happy with the way things were/are.

I am going to assume that it is some kind of ego thing in that they seen to need to catapult themselves into a position of superiority for some reason. It's all about hierarchy out there.

(It is probably a bit more complex than that but I want to get back to my Normal Wisdom film (he is funny) so will ponder this more later).

All the same I do wish society would become more egalitarian in nature. What's with the ego obsession out there? Passion is much nicer driving force, well it is to me personally. I am more interested in that which I am passionate about than I am in keeping up with the Jones'.

People do this to me all the time, and I HATE IT!

My mother tends to do that towards me and my siblings. It tends to be involving things that are incredibly obvious to everyone.