Why does this always happen to me?

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RetroGamer87
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12 Feb 2014, 6:35 am

I'm not one to demand perfect looks. I can look past imperfections like excessive weight (I've been there myself) but if there's one thing that turns me off, it's a substandard intellect. Maybe it sounds like I'm an arrogant elitist or a chauvinist pig for saying this. This used to happen occasionally but has become more frequent since I lost 34 KG from my diet. Some girl will become infatuated with me but I just can't stand her since her IQ seems to be hovering somewhere around the 70-80 range.

I typed my problem into Google and it came back with "why do guys like dumb girls". What? I've got the opposite problem! They don't just pretend to be dumb because they think that's what girls want right? For me stupidity is a massive antidisiac.

Maybe all the smart girls are way out of my league. Maybe they all became doctors and lawyers and such and expect likewise from me. Aren't there at least some average ones around? This one's at the community center my mother and I frequent and she expects me to go with this girl. Apparently my tastes don't enter into the equation. She says "she's not as dumb as she seems, she's just shy". That can't be true can it? I haven't burnt my bridges yet. I worked at maintaining ambiguity.

It may sound like I'm being arrogant and maybe I am but like they said on Becker, the heart wants what the heart wants. Ms Right may never come along but I don't think I can bring myself to settle that much. I don't think I could face my friends and family after they found out I'm going with a dullard. I don't want to face legal troubles when a judge rules that Ms Dullard lacks the cognitive abilities to give informed consent (can that happen?) Most of all, I don't want to go with someone I can't connect with.

You need equality in a relationship right? I'd never feel like I was equal with her. Never have a proper conversation. Some couples make it work. My average aunt is married to a genius who's a lot smarter than I am. He's a polyglot microelectronics engineer with four degrees and she's normal. Somehow they make it work (most of the time).

So, thoughts? Anyone experienced the same? Could she be less dumb than I think? Are there advantages in going with someone I can routinely outsmart? Just want to chew me out for being an arrogant prick?



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Feb 2014, 8:46 am

You answered your question:

Quote:
Maybe all the smart girls are way out of my league. Maybe they all became doctors and lawyers and such and expect likewise from me.


I did a similar thread and I came to this same realization.

Those not-so-smart girls ARE within our league, things are NOT symmetrically equivalent between the 2 genders. :roll:



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 12 Feb 2014, 8:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

StatsNerd
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12 Feb 2014, 8:48 am

I'm with you on this.... mostly.

Kudos to you for saying that you need a mental connection in a relationship.

Keep in mind, there are a lot of dumb people with PhDs (believe me), and a lot of smart people without a high school diploma.

That said, there's a possibility your mother is right. Many of us on these boards struggle with social interaction. We can come off as incredibly smart (which can be off-putting), or incredibly dumb (again, can be off-putting), because we lack the ability many NTs have of navigating socially.

Relationships shouldn't be a mental competition. I think you need a baseline of intelligence, sure, but at some point, that doesn't matter. Maybe it's worth it to talk to this girl and find out.



The_Face_of_Boo
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RetroGamer87
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12 Feb 2014, 12:47 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
things are NOT symmetrically equivalent between the 2 genders. :roll:


How do you mean?

StatsNerd wrote:
That said, there's a possibility your mother is right. Many of us on these boards struggle with social interaction. We can come off as incredibly smart (which can be off-putting), or incredibly dumb (again, can be off-putting), because we lack the ability many NTs have of navigating socially.

Relationships shouldn't be a mental competition. I think you need a baseline of intelligence, sure, but at some point, that doesn't matter. Maybe it's worth it to talk to this girl and find out.:


You may be right. I should investigate further. I've had a few brief conversations with her. Maybe I need to try for a longer one and not lose interest every time she says something I think is stupid. She seems kind of shy and kind of pushy at the same time :? One of the things that bugged me about her is she reminded me of this girl I dated briefly in December. Also not very bright (funny story, she said she moved out of the city. "Too urban" I asked? "No, that wasn't my address she replied"). I tried to gauge her interests to see if they correlated with mine and... she didn't have any. At all. Her whole life consisted of doing whatever her sisters like. I've lived a life of apathy yet was enough to creep even me out. I have a long time friend who's not so smart but I don't mind him because he's good natured and has many interests but she was like a blank wall.

I come off smart or dumb too. I could be at a loss for words or I could resort to sesquipedalianism. Maybe she just couldn't think of good responses but then again... Baseline intelligence. That would be enough. Just average intelligence like knowing how to program the VCR. I was trying to establish if she had even that and it wasn't going well. I can deal with a lack of common interests but none at all makes me wonder at her mindset. People sometimes criticize me for working part-time but that just leaves more time for hobbies. Some people have free time but don't use it even for their own benefit. They exist. They eat and excrete. That's kind of the impression I got from her though our conversations were brief. She comes every Wednesday so there's always next week. Maybe she'll surprise me and say she watches Star Trek and collects NES games.



GiantHockeyFan
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12 Feb 2014, 1:54 pm

StatsNerd wrote:
Keep in mind, there are a lot of dumb people with PhDs (believe me), and a lot of smart people without a high school diploma.

That said, there's a possibility your mother is right. Many of us on these boards struggle with social interaction. We can come off as incredibly smart (which can be off-putting), or incredibly dumb (again, can be off-putting), because we lack the ability many NTs have of navigating socially.

That's my problem in a nutshell. I can come across as incredibly smart bordering on arrogant (like when I'm discussing my job or teaching others or my special interests: even experts can't keep up with me :lol:) or incredibly dumb bordering on retardation (like when I talk about relationships or am at a social event). Overall though I'm probably in top 15-20% of the population, possibly higher. I tried to make it work with someone who wasn't very intelligent (failed almost every course she took, even the east ones) and I simply could not get over that I felt like a father rather than a partner. Don't automatically dismiss someone who doesn't match your intelligence but you certainly have to keep it in mind.



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12 Feb 2014, 1:57 pm

People are going to say things that are stupid sometimes. It doesn't mean they actually are stupid.

If you base the level of someone's intelligence based off of a couple of stupid things they've said then that's pretty sad. Spend more time with the person, find out if they actually, truly do have a low IQ, instead of just a person who's intelligent but is not very good with verbal communication, etc.

Some women I've encountered will say stupid things, but not because they're actually stupid, but because they were super immature. That can be another factor. I do agree with you OP, I need a respectable baseline of maturity and intelligence before I can actually be with that person.
Like someone who doesn't pay attention to politics at all, or understand the basics of independent living, (and there's a lot of young folks out there who are living on their own and haven't a clue about either of those things).



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12 Feb 2014, 2:55 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Maybe it sounds like I'm an arrogant elitist or a chauvinist pig for saying this.


Not at all - I often express it that way for comedic effect, but the truth is, what you're saying is that you want someone who can communicate with you on your own level (whatever that level may be) and that's not elitist, it's just human nature and common sense. There are few things more excruciatingly boring and frustrating than trying to converse with someone who just doesn't get what you're talking about, or care to try.



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12 Feb 2014, 3:10 pm

I'm the same way.

I find girls that have the inability to have a deep emotional conversation very boring. It may be ironic coming from an aspie but I like to talk about my feelings, maybe just too much! Looks are very important to me I'm not going to lie. However, I would take a slightly less attractive girl over a a prettier girl that was unable to connect with me on the level I desire.

Some guys like dating dumb girls because they think about one thing and that is sex. I don't have anything else to say to these people because I can't relate at all.



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12 Feb 2014, 3:49 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Maybe all the smart girls are way out of my league. Maybe they all became doctors and lawyers and such and expect likewise from me. Aren't there at least some average ones around? This one's at the community center my mother and I frequent and she expects me to go with this girl. Apparently my tastes don't enter into the equation. She says "she's not as dumb as she seems, she's just shy". That can't be true can it? I haven't burnt my bridges yet. I worked at maintaining ambiguity.

It may sound like I'm being arrogant and maybe I am but like they said on Becker, the heart wants what the heart wants. Ms Right may never come along but I don't think I can bring myself to settle that much. I don't think I could face my friends and family after they found out I'm going with a dullard. I don't want to face legal troubles when a judge rules that Ms Dullard lacks the cognitive abilities to give informed consent (can that happen?) Most of all, I don't want to go with someone I can't connect with.

So, thoughts? Anyone experienced the same? Could she be less dumb than I think? Are there advantages in going with someone I can routinely outsmart? Just want to chew me out for being an arrogant prick?


Just leave that poor girl alone if you think she is inferior to you. She deserves someone better (more compatible) than you.
And if you don't want to settle, then don't. Why can't you just wait for someone who you think is your equal to come along? Are you desperate for a girlfriend?



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12 Feb 2014, 4:31 pm

The thing is too that being smart 100% of the time is boring. So I'm smart when I have to be and then the rest of the time I'm perfectly content with being a dolt. Some people just like to have fun and that can come accross as unintelligent.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Feb 2014, 4:46 pm

Yuzu wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Maybe all the smart girls are way out of my league. Maybe they all became doctors and lawyers and such and expect likewise from me. Aren't there at least some average ones around? This one's at the community center my mother and I frequent and she expects me to go with this girl. Apparently my tastes don't enter into the equation. She says "she's not as dumb as she seems, she's just shy". That can't be true can it? I haven't burnt my bridges yet. I worked at maintaining ambiguity.

It may sound like I'm being arrogant and maybe I am but like they said on Becker, the heart wants what the heart wants. Ms Right may never come along but I don't think I can bring myself to settle that much. I don't think I could face my friends and family after they found out I'm going with a dullard. I don't want to face legal troubles when a judge rules that Ms Dullard lacks the cognitive abilities to give informed consent (can that happen?) Most of all, I don't want to go with someone I can't connect with.

So, thoughts? Anyone experienced the same? Could she be less dumb than I think? Are there advantages in going with someone I can routinely outsmart? Just want to chew me out for being an arrogant prick?


Just leave that poor girl alone if you think she is inferior to you. She deserves someone better (more compatible) than you.
And if you don't want to settle, then don't. Why can't you just wait for someone who you think is your equal to come along? Are you desperate for a girlfriend?


Do you think I was thinking these girls are inferior to me as well?

If you ever meet them in life, I bet you would completely understand.



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12 Feb 2014, 5:06 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yuzu wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
Maybe all the smart girls are way out of my league. Maybe they all became doctors and lawyers and such and expect likewise from me. Aren't there at least some average ones around? This one's at the community center my mother and I frequent and she expects me to go with this girl. Apparently my tastes don't enter into the equation. She says "she's not as dumb as she seems, she's just shy". That can't be true can it? I haven't burnt my bridges yet. I worked at maintaining ambiguity.

It may sound like I'm being arrogant and maybe I am but like they said on Becker, the heart wants what the heart wants. Ms Right may never come along but I don't think I can bring myself to settle that much. I don't think I could face my friends and family after they found out I'm going with a dullard. I don't want to face legal troubles when a judge rules that Ms Dullard lacks the cognitive abilities to give informed consent (can that happen?) Most of all, I don't want to go with someone I can't connect with.

So, thoughts? Anyone experienced the same? Could she be less dumb than I think? Are there advantages in going with someone I can routinely outsmart? Just want to chew me out for being an arrogant prick?


Just leave that poor girl alone if you think she is inferior to you. She deserves someone better (more compatible) than you.
And if you don't want to settle, then don't. Why can't you just wait for someone who you think is your equal to come along? Are you desperate for a girlfriend?


Do you think I was thinking these girls are inferior to me as well?

If you ever meet them in life, I bet you would completely understand.


From the way you described them, yes, it seems so.



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12 Feb 2014, 5:31 pm

I totally get what you mean. Totally. I am a girl but I constantly feel like: where are the smart and attractive boys.
This is one of the reasons I think I will be single my entire life.



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12 Feb 2014, 6:34 pm

Kezzstar wrote:
The thing is too that being smart 100% of the time is boring. So I'm smart when I have to be and then the rest of the time I'm perfectly content with being a dolt. Some people just like to have fun and that can come accross as unintelligent.


You have a very strange idea of the meaning of "smart" if you think it can be turned on and off.


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