Trying to understand my fiancee.

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Shadewraith
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10 Mar 2014, 9:18 pm

A little back story. My fiancee and I live with my parents. I'm unable to drive so it makes being dependent very hard. Until about two months ago, I had been struggling with a lot of my own problems being aspie, anxiety-ridden, bipolar, and some other crap. My fiancee has been very understanding of my situation and knows that I try. Lots of different med profiles later, and I had finally started functioning a bit more normally. Because of this, I was finally comfortable doing all the things my fiancee ever wanted from me: going out to different places, being around people without panicking, having a better sex life, etc. Driving is still impossible, but I'm taking classes online so that I can get another job working at home (my current job doesn't pay very well) and we can have our own place and perhaps even start a family. Anyway, on to the main topic.

About a month ago, my fiancee lost her mother and has been an absolute wreck ever since then. A friend of hers asked her to housesit while she went on a cruise with her boyfriend. This was hard because it was the first time in years the two of us had been apart. We still talked and she'd come over and it seemed like she was enjoying herself and able to not cry as much. A day or two before her friend came back, she mentioned wanting to take a break, but not like those breaks where the two people are allowed to see other people. She still wanted to be in a relationship with me. She just said she needed alone time to sort things out in her head. Before she left to go back to her friends house, we were both crying a lot and it was hard. It felt like I'd never see her again. She couldn't explain why she needed to be alone to handle this, but she didn't seem like she wanted to hurt me. Now I'm miserable, she knows it, and now she's worried about me on top of grieving. I'm a wreck and I'm having all of these intrusive thoughts. Her friend hooking her up with a "real" man who's neurotypical and can provide for her right away. Is her friend trying to convince her to leave me? She must think I'm terrible if my fiancee needs a break from me. Even in writing this, I'm typing just like my brain is thinking. My mind is racing and I'm panicking because I don't understand.

Before this happened I had been doing everything she ever wanted from me. Those were her words, but she still wants to be alone. A lot of times, not having much empathy is a good thing. I don't get caught up in other peoples' affairs, but I'd give anything to understand what she feels and why she's doing this. I want to know if she's hurting too. Though it probably seems this way, I'm not a clingy person. In fact, that was one thing she didn't like about me was my lack of attention when I was going through more depression than mania. If my disabilities have caused her to be driven away and this is one of those "too little too late" deals, I don't think I could handle it. Maybe I'm too controlling in that I need to fix everything and since this is something I can't fix, it's making me go crazy.

Anyway, has anyone had a similar experience? Should I lie to her about me being miserable so she can deal with her important issues? Is this break like any other break, as in she's just trying to let me down slowly over time?


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10 Mar 2014, 10:10 pm

It is ok to tell her that you miss her. It is a bad idea to dwell on your confusion and misery, although that may be hard.

I lost my mom a year and a half ago. It was horrible. Especially for a relatively young person whose parents are not of the age most people die.

She is in turmoil and guilt and pain and confusion that is not about wanting a NT guy. She is probably depressed. You might want to read up on the stages of grief and on depression. Tell her you love her, always. But she needs to work through her grief. There is no time table for this, and when you think you are good (years later) it can hit you fresh again like no time at all passed.

She also may feel guilty about wanting space because of how good you are doing. She probably wants to give you positive reinforcement but she cannot give that emotional support right now because she is falling apart.

Ask her how you can support her through this.


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10 Mar 2014, 10:50 pm

Everyone reacts to death differently and while there are 5 stages of grief, they aren't always in a linear pattern. A person can be ok one day and see something or hear something or even smell something that will knock them back.

If she has been a source of support for you, it may be that she can't provide that right now until she has some time to heal. You can't expect her to be a source of strength and support for you right now, you have to be that for her. I wonder if she doesn't think you can do that and instead of hurting you or getting into a fight, she just wants to be alone.



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11 Mar 2014, 12:00 am

You could be the most NT, supportive, most in-tune person with her needs and she'd still need some time alone. Sometimes people just need space to grieve.

Tell her you'll always be there for her, give her a hug and tell her to call if she needs you.


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AngelRho
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11 Mar 2014, 6:27 am

Very sorry to hear. I wish I could say that I could offer more help than I can, but there's nothing to be done here as far as I can see.

I CAN relate to some of your feelings of insecurity, like her friend hooking her up with a "real man" and that sort of thing. So before I say anything else, let me preface by saying SHE LOST HER MOTHER. I know someone who broke up with her bf because he accused her of having an affair right after a close family member passed away, and things had not been well with that relationship for some time prior. I only bring that up to say don't unnecessarily attach personal issues to someone else's grieving. It sounds to me like you've done all you can. You don't really get a choice here…you have to let her go and let her do her thing for a while.

Now, let's say we take the loss of a parent completely out of the picture and pretend it never happened, here's what troubles me: What evidence or signs/signals are you getting that leads you to believe her friend is trying to split you up? Or is this simply an irrational product of depression? If it's a depressive thing, then all you can do is remind yourself that you only have those thoughts because you're on the low side right now and just take it all a minute at a time.

If there really IS something to all this, i.e. she lets a friend trash you in private and is content to go along with it, and that's all it takes to get her to break up with you, you don't need to be with this girl. When I was a lot younger, I had on several occasions dated girls who'd rather go on the word of friends who didn't even know me as to whether I was good for LTR or not. I'm, like, ok seriously…I'm dating YOU, not your friends; wouldn't you rather just get to know me and make up your own mind? Geez, it looks to me like you'd rather date your girl friends than me if you really love them THAT much… So, typically I WOULD judge a girl by the company she keeps and her willingness to get away from them from time to time.

Ok, so now I'm just being bitter, but all that's really water under the bridge and I really don't care anymore. I called it a lesson learned.

Most people carry the attitude that NOBODY gets to tell them who they can/can't hang out with, be friends with, etc. Before we got married, my wife and I had numerous discussions as to what being married actually meant. Mostly it dealt with no longer being all about "me" and "you" but rather about "us." It took some time to get it all figured out once we actually got married, and there were a lot of challenges. But the idea of trashing our mate was straight-up taboo. There was an incident involving my wife that ended up being totally embarrassing, and when it was all over I basically told her she couldn't hang out with those friends anymore. Things were really tense between us for a few weeks, but our marriage ended up stronger for it, because what I stopped her from doing was 1) being around negative people, and 2) being around people who encouraged poor choices who'd put her in a compromising situation. The "terms" of our relationship we agreed to early on allow us to hold each other accountable such that we can be honest with each other…after all, she could make the same demands of me at any time.

Before you get married, neither of you have that much control over the other--and don't forget, controlling behavior is often a sign of an abusive relationship. I can't tell my wife "you can't have friends." I DO get to tell my wife "THIS person/THESE people are making our lives miserable…can we maybe try to do a little bit better with our social circles?" You can't do that before you get married. Give it a try and see what happens! If she doesn't forget about her friend NOW, it's only going to get worse once you get married. The person you end up marrying is someone you want to choose you before anyone else, friends or otherwise. If she can't make you a priority in her life, don't marry her. Cut her loose, wish her the best, and move on. Because what will end up happening is you will try to become controlling, and when you can't get what you want, you end up being domineering. If you already have control issues, you're either going to head quickly towards divorce or you'll end up in jail for beating her up. I'd rather enjoy the rest of my life alone and single than to have to deal with that.

Like I said before, she's dealing with some grief right now, so there's no need to assume this is about YOU. If she needs space, give her space. Give it time, but accept that it's POSSIBLE the woman you got engaged to is gone. She needs you to just be her friend right now, no expectations or demands. If you find out she's cheating on you, or if she's letting someone split the two of you up, don't waste any more of your time. I'm betting this is more about grief, though. In the meantime, enjoy some .38 Special:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJtf7R_oVaw[/youtube]



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Mar 2014, 6:58 am

This has nothing to do with her mother's death, it is simple, she witnessed and tasted the the lifestyle her friend's boyfriend is giving versus the lifestyle you're providing her.

And yes, I can bet her friend is convincing her to meet someone else, this is very common among the female folk (evaluating boyfriends/fiancees) - trust your gut feelings man.

Is your fiancee hot looking? It's very probably that she introduced her to a bunch of rich guys (her bf's friends) on the cruise and one of them made advances to her.

If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Mar 2014, 7:06 am

Quote:
Her friend hooking her up with a "real" man who's neurotypical and can provide for her right away. Is her friend trying to convince her to leave me?


Um...wait, is this an assumption or a reality you know about? if it's the latter then yeah, she's convincing her to leave you. And I would end it if I were you.



AngelRho
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11 Mar 2014, 10:47 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This has nothing to do with her mother's death, it is simple, she witnessed and tasted the the lifestyle her friend's boyfriend is giving versus the lifestyle you're providing her.

And yes, I can bet her friend is convincing her to meet someone else, this is very common among the female folk (evaluating boyfriends/fiancees) - trust your gut feelings man.

Is your fiancee hot looking? It's very probably that she introduced her to a bunch of rich guys (her bf's friends) on the cruise and one of them made advances to her.

If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.

Because if it's really a matter of grief, she's having difficulty behaving in a rational manner. There's no need to assume any of this is SUPPOSED to make sense. And if one is aware that one is momentarily incapable of behaving rationally, it's safe to assume that the most rational thing one can do under the circumstances is avoid situations that demand rationality until one's rationality returns.

Also, Boo, because you've voiced something that I've also found to be true, and because I've felt similarly before, I'm afraid you're sharing advice that's only going to intensify this guy's paranoia and make matters worse. You're practically guaranteeing this guy is going to freak out and scare the poor girl away. We don't know how this looks from HER perspective, and without her side of the story we have no way to know.

I mean…here's the thing: SHE'S the one who needs support right now. SHE'S the one who lost a parent. How she deals with it is up to her. She doesn't OWE her pain to her fiancé. If she needs a break or some space, there's nothing this guy can or should do.

If you take the grief out of the picture, then I'd say you're spot-on. There's no worse cøckbløck than meddling girl friends. It's senseless. At least an alpha male who has designs on your gf has an objective. Meddling girl friends are just pure evil in that they're untouchable. You have to be some kind of evil genius yourself to get any kind of effective revenge on them, and it's just not worth the effort.

My thing is, if girls are willing to go there, this is stupid middle school crap. I don't want to end up in an LTR with a girl…I want a WOMAN. I hate those head games.



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11 Mar 2014, 10:54 am

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If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.


Yes, absolutely. whenever I am truly desparate I always think to myself: "So what could cause me now to feel even worse. Yes, forcing me to socialize now, would be great." *sarcasm*



Shadewraith
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11 Mar 2014, 11:48 am

AngelRho wrote:
Now, let's say we take the loss of a parent completely out of the picture and pretend it never happened, here's what troubles me: What evidence or signs/signals are you getting that leads you to believe her friend is trying to split you up? Or is this simply an irrational product of depression? If it's a depressive thing, then all you can do is remind yourself that you only have those thoughts because you're on the low side right now and just take it all a minute at a time.


There's no real evidence. The day her mom died, her friend came over, took my fiancee over to her place to try and make her feel better. She came off as very controlling and I found it weird that she wanted to pull her away from me during her worst moment. Her friend and I don't really know each other though and she does seem supportive, so maybe it's a mix of depression, past experience, and not being able to read people.

My fiancee is actually coming over today for dinner and to watch a movie. Her idea since I told her I'd let her always text me first. She seems to feel really guilty about wanting to be alone too, but the guilt could still be from her knowing she wants it to end but not being able to.

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This has nothing to do with her mother's death, it is simple, she witnessed and tasted the the lifestyle her friend's boyfriend is giving versus the lifestyle you're providing her.

And yes, I can bet her friend is convincing her to meet someone else, this is very common among the female folk (evaluating boyfriends/fiancees) - trust your gut feelings man.

Is your fiancee hot looking? It's very probably that she introduced her to a bunch of rich guys (her bf's friends) on the cruise and one of them made advances to her.

If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.


This is such a negative viewpoint, but I respect and appreciate it because there's no way of knowing if it's true or not. And while getting reassuring messages feels good, seeing it from your point of view keeps me in balance. As far as my fiancee being 'hot' looking, well, she is to me. She's the most beautiful woman I know. By society's standards, your typical average guy might say "She kind of has a cute face, but she needs to lose a lot of weight". I also agree with your last sentence, but I think it's something personal to us. We would want to be with our most loved ones when we grieve, but emotions make us irrational and some people think they're a burden by being around others, hence the isolation.


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11 Mar 2014, 1:43 pm

If I am upset or hurt I don't want ANYONE around me. I especially don't want the person I love and care about in a sexual way to see me disintegrating. I don't know if your fiance is like this, but just thought I'd chime in, for the sake of perspective.



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11 Mar 2014, 1:45 pm

Schneekugel wrote:
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If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.


Yes, absolutely. whenever I am truly desparate I always think to myself: "So what could cause me now to feel even worse. Yes, forcing me to socialize now, would be great." *sarcasm*


Not sure if you're being sarcastic toward me or about the case, she's socializing with her friend and her friend's boyfriend on a cruise instead. It's not really a matter "she doesn't feel wanting to socialize with anyone".



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11 Mar 2014, 1:51 pm

AngelRho wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
This has nothing to do with her mother's death, it is simple, she witnessed and tasted the the lifestyle her friend's boyfriend is giving versus the lifestyle you're providing her.

And yes, I can bet her friend is convincing her to meet someone else, this is very common among the female folk (evaluating boyfriends/fiancees) - trust your gut feelings man.

Is your fiancee hot looking? It's very probably that she introduced her to a bunch of rich guys (her bf's friends) on the cruise and one of them made advances to her.

If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.

Because if it's really a matter of grief, she's having difficulty behaving in a rational manner. There's no need to assume any of this is SUPPOSED to make sense. And if one is aware that one is momentarily incapable of behaving rationally, it's safe to assume that the most rational thing one can do under the circumstances is avoid situations that demand rationality until one's rationality returns.

Also, Boo, because you've voiced something that I've also found to be true, and because I've felt similarly before, I'm afraid you're sharing advice that's only going to intensify this guy's paranoia and make matters worse. You're practically guaranteeing this guy is going to freak out and scare the poor girl away. We don't know how this looks from HER perspective, and without her side of the story we have no way to know.

I mean…here's the thing: SHE'S the one who needs support right now. SHE'S the one who lost a parent. How she deals with it is up to her. She doesn't OWE her pain to her fiancé. If she needs a break or some space, there's nothing this guy can or should do.

If you take the grief out of the picture, then I'd say you're spot-on. There's no worse cøckbløck than meddling girl friends. It's senseless. At least an alpha male who has designs on your gf has an objective. Meddling girl friends are just pure evil in that they're untouchable. You have to be some kind of evil genius yourself to get any kind of effective revenge on them, and it's just not worth the effort.

My thing is, if girls are willing to go there, this is stupid middle school crap. I don't want to end up in an LTR with a girl…I want a WOMAN. I hate those head games.


Look, I know I was too negative but...

I have never witnessed a relationship going well whenever one party needs any kind of temporary break, it always means there's a problem.

I hope I am mistaken but it's safer for the OP to get ready for the worst already because my analysis is very likely to be true.



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11 Mar 2014, 6:20 pm

Boo, you have me confused with one minor detail that I didn't read from the OP, which now makes me ask to the OP:

Did she go on a cruise with the friend and her bf? When she decided to say this two days before her friend came back that she "need time and space," you don't specifiy this at all, and I am not going to make any assumptions in that regard.

Anyway, the grieving period is meant for someone to look for a mentally and emotionally stable person to lean on for help. Her friend was probably the one she looked to for that help and probably called her. If her friend is a good friend, she probably asked your fiance why not come to you, and your fiance probably doesn't know how to answer that. So the time and space is probably being used to figure that out too aside from grieving her loss.

Hope the dinner and movie works out well.


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11 Mar 2014, 9:42 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Schneekugel wrote:
Quote:
If it's really a matter of grieve, she would be in most need with the man she loves, I don't understand why she would want this temporary separation.


Yes, absolutely. whenever I am truly desparate I always think to myself: "So what could cause me now to feel even worse. Yes, forcing me to socialize now, would be great." *sarcasm*


Not sure if you're being sarcastic toward me or about the case, she's socializing with her friend and her friend's boyfriend on a cruise instead. It's not really a matter "she doesn't feel wanting to socialize with anyone".


The OP said she was house sitting while the friend was on the cruise. So fiancé is alone in her friend's house, her friend is on a cruise. The fiancé was not socializing during this time. Having lost my mom when I was 25 I wondered around not talking or noticing people. Even having dinner with a close friend was a stretch for ability to operate. There were questions that cannot be answered like "why now, why me, if this happens how can any part of life be good". She needs space and lots of time. When she asks you to be there, be there. Ask if you can text her once a day (no more) to see how she is, even if the answer is then latent lie "ok". Be satisfied with that. Let her know you are there for her, you are worried for her, and you wish that there was some way you could help. Give it time. The most important thing for her is to get up every day, do normal activities of daily living (eating, getting dressed, brushing hair) as much as possible every day. And slowly time will pass.

She may also be dealing with legal or family issues. Has the funeral happened? If not, getting that together is horrible. There could also be financial concerns. Better than being alone she should visit any of her surviving relatives (dad, siblings etc).


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12 Mar 2014, 5:59 am

Oh clearly I misread something, reading on phone can be daunting.

but I am still confused about the " I'm a wreck and I'm having all of these intrusive thoughts. Her friend hooking her up with a "real" man", the OP didn't clarify this. Why the OP is having this gut feeling? It's kind of a trust issue in my opinion or he's sensing something.

Also I find it somehow odd that a friend of hers would ask her to housesit (which is some work after all) her house while she's in a grieving period, that's unusual unless the fiancee asked her for it as a chance to be totally alone.

I know plenty of NT female buddies/friends, and they always invite the grieving one (after some weeks/month pass) to some outing or trip to help her forget a bit, girls are often overcaring with each other in those matters, probably this why I misread the info the way I did, throwing a grieving friend in a house alone isn't something usual that NT girls do.