Solitude makes me seek people, people make me seek solitude

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jerry00
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26 Mar 2014, 1:44 pm

Does anyone else feel this way? Seems like a bit of a catch 22. Being alone makes me feel bad about myself but being with people also makes me feel bad about myself for different reasons.

Everyone seems to have romantic partners, friends, and hobbies, but I'm not interested enough in anything to even do it by myself let alone with others. I would like friends or just a romantic partner but with no life to start with that's kind of hard and every time I try to befriend people I end up feeling like an alien there to observe them in the name of science. It's hardly ever fun. And the fun times are so few and far between and always instigated by someone much more popular, I'll try and say hey let's do that again and I probably come off as being quite needy, they're usually too busy and when they want to do it again they'll do it of their own accord and probably without inviting me.

I wish there was some magic bullet that would make my life make sense. Like some magic words I can say that will make me part of the group and feel included. But if I ever did get that far I know I would quickly feel suffocated and want to be alone again. I wonder if aspergers is my only problem or if I have something else too?



Willard
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26 Mar 2014, 2:23 pm

jerry00 wrote:
Seems like a bit of a catch 22. Being alone makes me feel bad about myself but being with people also makes me feel bad about myself for different reasons.



Yeah, it's toxic even when you're in romantic relationships - you don't want to be utterly alone, and you crave intimate bonding, but then once there's a significant other in your life, trying to live up to their needs and expectations becomes so overwhelming that you begin to feel crushed and suffocated and can't wait to get away. Doh! :oops:



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26 Mar 2014, 2:29 pm

I can relate very much. I'm in a smiliar position. I currently have no friends, and no real acquaintances to speak of. Whenever I find myself at social gatherings (such as birthdays of relatives with all their acquaintances attending), I feel like the odd one out, almost like an alien. And indeed, I often feel like I'm on the outside observing the behaviour of the 'strange humans'.

I'm still not certain how I could remedy this, or if I even want to. What I do know is that I sometimes feel lonely, and would have liked if there were a confidant in my life that I could exchange thoughts with. But I have yet to encounter such a kindred spirit.

In fact, one of the reasons I am going to visit a sci-fi convention soon, is in the hopes that I might meet some new people. I figure that a nerdy crowd will feature more people who share similar interests, and are maybe also a bit socially awkward, so it's worth a try for me.

In the past, I have failed to find such kindred spirits in hobby clubs and the like. It made me feel even worse about myself, and I felt even more isolated.


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TomHow
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26 Mar 2014, 3:20 pm

I also can really relate to this - really well put!

When I'm at work I'm jealous of my colleagues who make friends with other colleagues really easily, and who talk about going on trips and stuff with people they've known for much less time than I have but they know them so much better. I'm just not able to form close enough friendships very easily - there are a few people with whom I can have a basic conversation in the office cafeteria but they would never dream of inviting me for after-work drinks or on a day trip somewhere at the weekend. Yet they do things like that with other people who (at work at least) they don't seem to talk to any more than they talk to me. I don't get how people form friendships like that so completely effortlessly and invisibly.

Then yeah, when you're at a party where you don't know 95% of the people, or at a wedding with people on the table whom you don't know, I sometimes feel like crying and just want to go home.

Sorry I can't add to this but be assured that you're far from alone on this.



coffeebean
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26 Mar 2014, 3:23 pm

Solitude makes me bored, so I seek people. People make me even more bored by wanting to talk about feelings, daily details, and safe topics like who has what pets, so I seek solitude again or just mess around to see what kind of responses I can get.



i_wanna_blue
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26 Mar 2014, 5:42 pm

It's often the choice between being alone by yourself or being alone when you're with people. I prefer being alone by myself, though it can get boring.


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CyclopsSummers
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27 Mar 2014, 5:15 am

TomHow wrote:
I also can really relate to this - really well put!

When I'm at work I'm jealous of my colleagues who make friends with other colleagues really easily, and who talk about going on trips and stuff with people they've known for much less time than I have but they know them so much better. I'm just not able to form close enough friendships very easily - there are a few people with whom I can have a basic conversation in the office cafeteria but they would never dream of inviting me for after-work drinks or on a day trip somewhere at the weekend. Yet they do things like that with other people who (at work at least) they don't seem to talk to any more than they talk to me. I don't get how people form friendships like that so completely effortlessly and invisibly.

Then yeah, when you're at a party where you don't know 95% of the people, or at a wedding with people on the table whom you don't know, I sometimes feel like crying and just want to go home.

Sorry I can't add to this but be assured that you're far from alone on this.


Oh, man! That sounds so familiar! At virtually every job I've worked at, I would typically be constantly in 'newbie mode', in terms of how I interacted with the majority of my co-workers. By this, I mean that I kept the relationship strictly professional and it never got personal. So, whenever a new co-worker would come in, I'd be able to talk to them for a little bit, the basic introductory stuff, helping them out if they needed to have certain tasks explained to them, but they would 'befriend' the other co-workers so much easier. So, I remained something of a stranger to most of my co-workers, old and new, while they'd be getting along like the proverbial house on fire. :?


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nateman
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27 Mar 2014, 6:11 am

There is a balance I'm sure, as elusive as it is. I personally have not found it but I believe it to be there.



Rishikesh
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27 Mar 2014, 12:15 pm

The smaller a collective at work, the better. I have worked at large firms twice in my life, both times it was the worst experience for above mentioned reasons. The smaller firm, the better: they kind of don't have much choice about company and have to get to know you. Got two good fellows (within 10 years, but still) at small places.

As for the paradox in the theme of this topic, the same goes here too.

It seems I am able to find interesting only a smallest percent of people who send the "right" signals. But the rest of human population feels like aliens to me.



TheBraveSirRobin
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27 Mar 2014, 11:30 pm

I definitely say that the original post describes why I tend to start feeling bad about myself in certain social situations, but especially when I am on WrongPlanet or around a person with ASD more than anywhere else, surprisingly enough. The part of me that feeds into my low self-esteem will always say "Hey, there's an aspie in their early 20s with a social life and a job and a girlfriend. Looks like your out of excuses, bud." I am actually a lot less bothered by those kinds of things when I am around normal people, but here I have no such luxury. :?


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Erwin
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31 Mar 2014, 7:01 am

TheBraveSirRobin wrote:
I definitely say that the original post describes why I tend to start feeling bad about myself in certain social situations, but especially when I am on WrongPlanet or around a person with ASD more than anywhere else, surprisingly enough. The part of me that feeds into my low self-esteem will always say "Hey, there's an aspie in their early 20s with a social life and a job and a girlfriend. Looks like your out of excuses, bud." I am actually a lot less bothered by those kinds of things when I am around normal people, but here I have no such luxury. :?

Uh, only ever seen normal people here. Including you. The psychologists forget to compare to normal people.



roccoslife
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31 Mar 2014, 11:03 am

Feel this way all the time, isolation makes me feel incredibly lonely, but at the same time when i do spend time with other people it leaves me emotionally exhausted and most of the timei just cant wait for it to end so i can go and sit at home alone. The only person i didnt feel this way with was my ex girlfriend who i split up with a few years ago, she was the only person in recent memory, family included that i could feel totally relaxed around, but that led to its own problems, namely me maybe relying a bit too much on her to remain somewhat socialised. in the end it was too much for her to deal with.


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mikie
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02 Apr 2014, 4:53 pm

.

Everyone seems to have romantic partners, friends, and hobbies, but I'm not interested enough in anything to even do it by myself let alone with others. I would like friends or just a romantic partner but with no life to start with that's kind of hard and every time I try to befriend people I end up feeling like an alien there to observe them in the name of science. .

I wish there was some magic bullet that would make my life make sense. Like some magic words I can say that will make me part of the group and feel included. But if I ever did get that far I know I would quickly feel suffocated and want to be alone again. I wonder if aspergers is my only problem or if I have something else too?[/quote]

i can so identify with what you wrote.



TornadoEvil
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04 Apr 2014, 11:55 am

I can relate, though I might call it being depressed and not being to relate to people very well due to poor social skills. If I stick with it a little I can become more comfortable talking to a person. It makes getting along with someone actually much harder to deal and cope with.



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16 Sep 2018, 4:50 pm

"Solitude makes me seek people, people make me seek solitude"

Can relate one hundred percent!