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404nf
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09 Jul 2014, 8:10 am

I've been trying to overcome my social phobia and general social suckiness for a while now, and I am pleased to say that I am making good progress.
Most of the time, I can have a good enough conversation using IM platforms like Skype/WhatsApp for it to be considered 'normal', which is a huge deal for me.
I can now reply similar to how a normal person would, keep the back-and-forth of the conversation going(yay!), make sure the conversation ends well, and keep myself from speaking about my special interest or geeking out(yay!).
However, all of this is because of the fact that I can take a couple seconds/minutes to respond when conversing via these platforms, which gives me time to check and triple check my messages before sending them out, making sure that I am saying the right thing, saying it the right way, and not hitting a dead-end with my response. And amazingly enough, all of this is coming naturally to me now, even though it takes time to kick in and doesn't come to me instantly like it does for NTs.
But when I try to hold a conversation over the phone or face-to-face, I still suck real hard. I stall, and most of the time say the wrong thing, as I can not wait for a minute before responding to someone via these means of communication.
So, my question is, how can I hold a conversation face-to-face and still be good enough(like I can now be via text)? My social phobia for texting seems to be fading away, but not so for voice or video. I am still very Aspie-like when it comes to voice/video, I geek out, say wrong things, and fail at back-and-forth conversation. And I find voice/video to be extremely boring and start thinking of ways to end the conversation immediately(not so for text, though).



AspieUtah
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09 Jul 2014, 10:22 am

404nf wrote:
...So, my question is, how can I hold a conversation face-to-face and still be good enough(like I can now be via text)? My social phobia for texting seems to be fading away, but not so for voice or video. I am still very Aspie-like when it comes to voice/video, I geek out, say wrong things, and fail at back-and-forth conversation. And I find voice/video to be extremely boring and start thinking of ways to end the conversation immediately(not so for text, though).

Good work! It does get easier most of the time.

I don't have all the answers, but when conversing face-to-face, it is always appropriate to ask a question in response to a comment or question. So, an answer to "how are you?" might be to smile and say "you go first; how are you?" The other person's reply might be brief or might even last for a few sentences. This gives you time to consider and maybe edit your reply. Also, for difficult or multiple-choice comments or questions, sip some of that coffee that's getting cold in front of you. Again, the delay will give you some time to think. Another coversational trick would be to think about your answer openly. Saying, "hmmm, well ... I would say ... [look out the window] ...." NT conversations use these tricks all the time, so if you use them sparingly, you won't get noticed. And, if you DO get noticed, laugh it off, and explain why you need to structure your conversation. Most people will completely understand.


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Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


Andrejake
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09 Jul 2014, 11:31 am

I'm living this same situation right now and i'm thankfull for your tips Aspieutah!



404nf
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09 Jul 2014, 7:00 pm

AspieUtah wrote:
404nf wrote:
...So, my question is, how can I hold a conversation face-to-face and still be good enough(like I can now be via text)? My social phobia for texting seems to be fading away, but not so for voice or video. I am still very Aspie-like when it comes to voice/video, I geek out, say wrong things, and fail at back-and-forth conversation. And I find voice/video to be extremely boring and start thinking of ways to end the conversation immediately(not so for text, though).

Good work! It does get easier most of the time.

I don't have all the answers, but when conversing face-to-face, it is always appropriate to ask a question in response to a comment or question. So, an answer to "how are you?" might be to smile and say "you go first; how are you?" The other person's reply might be brief or might even last for a few sentences. This gives you time to consider and maybe edit your reply. Also, for difficult or multiple-choice comments or questions, sip some of that coffee that's getting cold in front of you. Again, the delay will give you some time to think. Another coversational trick would be to think about your answer openly. Saying, "hmmm, well ... I would say ... [look out the window] ...." NT conversations use these tricks all the time, so if you use them sparingly, you won't get noticed. And, if you DO get noticed, laugh it off, and explain why you need to structure your conversation. Most people will completely understand.


Thanks a lot AspieUtah, this is some really great advice and I am going to benefit a lot from it. Seems like you have it all together, could you share a couple more pointers to help us beginners out?



gigstalksguy
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10 Jul 2014, 5:48 am

Perhaps just speaking a little bit more slowly all the time might help....give you more time to think without having to pause, and will give a chilled and relaxed vibe which always goes down well 8)

Also if someone asks you something, say 'so what have you done today then?' a good trick is to repeat the question 'so what have I done today, ah let's think, well I did some.....' Everyone does this to give themselves more time to think of their answer without it seeming obvious.

Otherwise just practice. Practice responding faster online, and practice face to face conversations too.

Sounds like you're making good progress :D


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Coolguy
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16 Jul 2014, 10:42 am

What I think will really help is to try and surround yourself as much as possible with other people who have similar interests. It's much easier to have a conversation with some one on a topic of mutual interest than it is to just make small talk with a random person. Once you master having conversations with like-minded individuals, I think having conversations with everyone else will be much easier.

There are websites devoted to helping people with similar interests meet face-to-face. A good one is meetup.com.



djw2398
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16 Jul 2014, 7:19 pm

I can't help much if it's over the phone or something, I still struggle with that. If you are talking face to face though just be aware of your environment. If there is a lull in the conversation, just casually mention something you notice about another person, a car, or anything really. It could lead to a branch of conversation that allows you to get to know the other person better.