How can I persuade my fiancée? She thinks I am dead wrong.

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trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 9:49 am

I want to abandon my university course and give up all hopes of a career. I want to stay in my current shelf stacking job (that I dislike) for the rest of my life. My fiancée thinks this is the wrong choice. How do I persuade her?

First I had better persuade you. I am 47 years old. This is my third university. I find academic work easy, but my career has been a disaster: I hate working for other people. It always ends badly. I was once self employed and I loved that, except I had to deal with other people, so had to stop. At least in my night job I can avoid other people. And the other people in the store are all nice: no bullying, no stress. The pay is tolerable, and I am building up a (very small) pension. For the first time in my life I feel safe.

Realistically, the university course gives me a ten percent chance of making money. But instead I want to make an online game, and that will give me a twenty percent chance. There is no option that gives a fifty percent chance or better: I am autistic, life was not designed for people like me. After 47 years I have learned to accept that and just wait until life is over and I can finally rest. My game is a better choice than the university, because it relies less on social skills (if the game is good enough I can gain a following purely on the strength of my work.) But I can't succeed at university and succeed at my online game. Both of them need all my free time to succeed.

And one other thing: making my game makes me happy. it is the only thing that does. I am sick of being unhappy. I am sick of the rat race. I have been unhappy since the age of 9. When I think of university and work I can't sleep. When I think of my game I can sleep!! ! I just want to be happy before I die.

But I can't persuade anybody. When I try to explain, they say "but you need the university to fall back on". No! No! No!! ! They just don't get it! For neuro typical people life must be easy: they seem to think I can study one day, have a hobby the next, and succeed at both! Oh how I wish life was that easy!

I took this university course because at the time I was desperate. Now some things have changed so the course is no longer the right choice. Ever minute I spend on it is wasted. When I took the course I was a drowning man clutching at a straw. Now I have found the river bank and I want to get out of the river.

So how can I persuade my fiancée? I need her to believe in me. I can't do this without her.


P.S. NT people astound me. I see people around me who know almost nothing (academically) and put in almost no effort except in socialising (which they enjoy). And they walk into jobs, network like crazy, and make plenty of money. but for me just stacking shelves is as much as I can do because my mind is on fire all the time, and the world is an immensely complicated and terrifying place. But they see my qualifications, they see that I am a very tall white male with supreme self confidence (because I think I am the only sane person and the NTs around me are mad) and they assume I can do everything they can do. They think I can do university AND a hobby. No. No I can't. It has to be one or the other.


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AspE
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09 Feb 2016, 10:28 am

She's right, you need money, happiness is irrelevant.



trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 11:02 am

We have enough money. Getting extra money at this point does nothing except make us less happy, because of the cost of getting it. But I agree, that is the core point. I think her her gut feeling is "more money is always better" and as a general rule that is true. But I don't think it's true in this case.


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slenkar
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09 Feb 2016, 11:24 am

What kind of course is it?



arielhawksquill
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09 Feb 2016, 11:27 am

You know what would solve this problem for you? Failing the course. Then you wouldn't have to persuade her of anything, or continue studying something you don't want to spend your time on.

If your job as a stocker makes you feel safe and pays enough, then try to be content with it even though you dislike it. Complaining about your job is the kind of thing that will make people push you into university courses.

Don't expect your fiancee to be enthusiastically supportive of your video game plan, just share your successes on it when you have some to show. Monologing about it will make her come to hate the thing you love most.



trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 12:10 pm

arielhawksquill wrote:
(great advice)


That is very good advice. Thanks!

My problem is that I am not used to failing: even if I don't like something I want to do it well. I could easily get a 40 percent pass mark by just not caring, but I find it hard not to care. I'm the sort of person who spends twice as long as other people because I want the hundred percent, even though I hate the course. I blame the autism.


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trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 12:21 pm

slenkar wrote:
What kind of course is it?


I.T. I hoped it would help with making my game. But I now realise that it won't. I already know enough programming to do what I want. I just want to do it!! !

It's an Open University course (UK) so it's easy to delay some modules. My plan is to delay the next module by 4 months, which I might be able to do without affecting the finish date. Then I can work like crazy on my game. Then I can show it to my fiancée and say "look what progress I made - what if I take a gap year, and see if this can turn into a money maker?"

But that feels dishonest. I do not want to delay my course, I want to forget it. And I do not want to make money the goal (that way leads to stress). I want to just make the game the best I possibly can!! That is how all the best games are made. (And admittedly, many of the worst.)

I don't want to say "I'll delay the course in case this makes money". I want to say "i'm going to make the greatest game in the world!! Are you with me?"


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AspE
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09 Feb 2016, 3:12 pm

trappedinhell wrote:
We have enough money. Getting extra money at this point does nothing except make us less happy, because of the cost of getting it. But I agree, that is the core point. I think her her gut feeling is "more money is always better" and as a general rule that is true. But I don't think it's true in this case.

You need about a million dollars to retire.



trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 3:15 pm

AspE wrote:
You need about a million dollars to retire.


That's the great thing about living in Scotland, with simple tastes. We have no healthcare costs, our hobbies are cheap,and we already have small pensions to top up the state pension. We should have a small mortgage paid off by then, and if I make any money from my game that's a bonus.


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InsomniaGrl
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09 Feb 2016, 3:26 pm

The number wish on peoples death beds as documented by a nurse who cares for the dying is: 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


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trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 3:37 pm

InsomniaGrl wrote:
The number wish on peoples death beds as documented by a nurse who cares for the dying is: 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


Thank you. yes, that is exactly how I feel. I have always been an idealist, with great plans. All I ever wanted to do is to create. Now I see the possibility of doing something amazing, and I just want to be set free. Thank you for your words, you put it beautifully.


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slenkar
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09 Feb 2016, 4:03 pm

I tried to make video games for years, I could never make anything that people wanted to actually play
It's quite rare to have any financial success with games.



trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 4:29 pm

slenkar wrote:
I tried to make video games for years, I could never make anything that people wanted to actually play
It's quite rare to have any financial success with games.


I agree. That's why I want to do this for the art, not the money. But I think I have a good chance of a hit, because what I am doing is completely new and revolutionary: a game that is easier, bigger, and deeper than any other.

I've been planning this since 1997. I sold a few test games years ago, and they sold OK (all things considered), but now I know how to do it properly. But I know that a lot can go wrong. I have 25% chance of making a lot of money and 75% chance of making very little. But I don't want to think about money at all. I just want to create.


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100000fireflies
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09 Feb 2016, 4:36 pm

Why not compromise?
You said you hate your job even though you feel safe. Being with someone who says that, i too would push them to kerp trying for more.
Take the time off from school you said you can..a few months...during which you can focus on the game.
After that, she may see things differently. Or you may. Perhaps you'll only end up working on it for a month and give up..perhaps you'll stick with it and start creating something great - or at the very least, she will see how happy you are doing so.
Money sadly does matter. But from what you said, i sense that her reasons are more than that.


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AspE
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09 Feb 2016, 4:47 pm

InsomniaGrl wrote:
The number wish on peoples death beds as documented by a nurse who cares for the dying is: 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

That's just something people say, no one really believes it.



trappedinhell
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09 Feb 2016, 5:08 pm

AspE wrote:
That's just something people say, no one really believes it.


I believe it. (Though it may be a western individualistic thing: perhaps Chinese people regret not doing more for the community?)


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