Listening to other people

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I am starting to realize that I feel guilty for having such a hard time listening to other people speaking. My partner was sharing his experience yesterday and I really didn't feel anything about what he was talking about, I tried to pretend to be though. We got an important letter in the mail, plus he sold some things he's been trying to get rid of, but it was hard for me to share in his excitement. I was thinking, "I don't care about this."

I used to be like that with my mother and I thought it was just with her because she talks a lot. I would nod my head pretending to care, thinking about how I seriously didn't care about what she was talking about-- and told her I was busy. I felt wrong about it though and always wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel interested in what she was sharing with me.

I've been told that I am hard to talk to and that I don't listen. I can be very attentive when it's a subject that I am interested in. But when it comes to stuff I don't care about, I want it to finish as soon as possible. I want to be a better listener and I feel guilty for being like this. Does this mean that I don't care about other people's feelings? I am very caring and try to be there for people as much as I can. I don't consider myself to be selfish.

The details of the sale sound boring to me, too. If you're concerned about whether or not you care about other people's feelings, would it help to remember/list some times you were concerned about them? Or things you could do now, or in the future, to show concern for people's feelings?

I can relate to this a lot. I used to think it was because of the people I was dealing with--a mom and grandmother who don't see me as a separate person and have no interest in my own thoughts and feelings. But, it is something I feel often, and I'm sure many others here do, too--that dislike of chit chat.

I think DataB4's idea of listing times when you've cared is good. While I often feel nothing in these situations, I have a decent sense of how to behave. I've also had people tell me that I'm "a blessing" when they share their concerns or fears. I think that's because I will listen and that's what they need then (they're probably looking for sympathy, not advice) , and in those cases I've probably thought a lot about their situation over days and weeks, which is how I tend to understand people's feelings. This is easy if it's an ongoing situation. With something like a one-off conversation, maybe it helps to try putting what they say into context by thinking of your history with them. For example, remembering why it was important for him to sell those things, what they've meant in his life, etc.

I am the same way with my wife. Indtead of listening to the details, I check out and think about what I would like to go do next. I think your ability to recognize it when it is happening important and I think what others have offered is great. When these aituations come up it might be a good opportunity to explain what you are feeling so the other person can better understand how to communicate with you on a way that will allow him/her to get the message out and for you to get the message regardless of interest level.

Has been happening to me my entire life. I always thought I must just be a jerk or something, now I understand what's happening. It happens at work more than anywhere else. I work in a corporate environment and there's a whole little subculture. I've described it over the years as feeling like I'm at the zoo watching all the "animals" (people) interact with each other, tell stories, sometimes as they are talking to me, and I'm just absolutely dumbfounded that they're going on and on as though this stuff were somehow interesting. I feel like the twilight zone music should be playing or something. It has made work *very* difficult for me and I've changed companies every few years because of it. I have stayed in the same industry because it pays well, but now that I know the reason I'm so insular, I will be looking to change industries over the next few years.

I find it abysmal to listen to peoples nonsensical details unless it pertains to something for which I care. I don't think this is specific to people on the spectrum however. Most people only care about what they are interested in but want you to care as well.

yes, I believe this is all part of empathizing. It's all about thinking of what they're saying in context. It's interesting that you mentioned that you consider peoples feelings for days or weeks after. I've done this too, when I worry about someone or when the conversation was unusual.

Also, sometimes I bypass my own analysis of their situation by asking the person how they feel. People are generally very happy to tell me, if they know yet themselves. I sometimes find I was wrong in what I thought. Even if I wasn't interested in all of the details, I find that I am interested in how they feel about the details.

If it's not about feelings, and it's about someone sharing their interest with me, then I try for the bigger picture/higher level if their technical details become too much for me. Otherwise, I ask a question about a related part of their interest.

I don't agree with what you're saying about empathizing. We neurotypicals don't empathize with each other very often (if at all). We just pretend to, or think we do.

What Leozelig is saying about not really caring about her partner selling some stuff- why would she care? This exact thing has happened to me with my spouse about something he either buys or sells. I just listen the best I can and say something polite in response. He has special interests that I couldn't pretend to understand or share interest in. He knows that and he knows that I'm being polite by listening. But he HAS to talk about things he's interested in. We all do.

This is a completely normal challenged attention span when it comes to things that aren't interesting. You just have to work on pretending to listen and coming up with vague responses that makes it sound like you know what they have just said.

That being said, I very much agree with DataB4's technique of asking the person how they feel. That is a good general question that works in pretty much any situation and makes it sound like you've been paying attention.

I'm confused. What do you disagree with? Are you saying that most people you know don't truly empathize? Or are you disagreeing that part of empathy includes context/knowing why something is important to someone? Or is it the thinking of someone and their feelings long after the conversation passed? How does pretend empathy work then?

As for coming up with vague responses when not paying attention, I'm guilty now and then. It depends on the person and the conversation, as to whether you can get away with missing a chunk of what they said. For example, I often ask people open-ended questions so that if their response is vague, it'll be obvious that they missed something important. It's harder to know for sure if someone's heard or understood opinions though. Any suggestions for that?

I can't imagine wanting to talk about a hobby/interest if I know you're not interested. Why would someone go through the motions like this unless, on some level, they hope you might get caught up in their enthusiasm for a little while? I usually gauge someone's interest by listening to the types of questions they ask or don't ask, or seeing if they have an opinion. Yet, I notice that a lot of people don't do this. Why not? Why don't they wonder if they have my interest?

I suppose one exception might be talking to a spouse or very close loved one though, especially if you're in a rut where you want to talk to each other for emotional reasons but have nothing to say. Then maybe I could see going through the motions, although I wouldn't be happy about it.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am glad I am not alone in finding it difficult with listening to other people, as I have usually kept this to myself. I thought I was the only person that was like that, or that maybe its ASD. I have really enjoyed reading the responses but I am finding it hard to reply because there seems to be an annoying glitch in the site that's needing to get worked out. I hope this message gets through! *fingers crossed!*

Indeed, and I agree with SocOfAutism.

The distinction is not differing levels of interest but having the ability or even the inclination/motivation to pretend you are interested (and then perhaps pivoting to something you are more interested in).

Normal people have at least a limited ability to put on a show. For them it's the interaction that is interesting, the content is of little importance. But in my experience I simply switch off/have a mental block about what to do and go silent/wander off.

The site is the most glitchy when you want to quote other people. I find it only allows a certain amount of quoting per post. I think you end up having to try splitting up longer posts into shorter ones, and eliminating some of your quotations.

I can relate to this. So, it seems, did Gibran:

http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/kh ... riend-201/

It's depressing, but I think there's hope. It's not just an autism problem, NTs do it too, but possibly they don't feel so guilty about it. I suspect there's a stronger kind of friendship in which people feel more able to say "can you tell me later?" I think it's possible to avoid the pretense without having to yell "shut up!" but to give reassurance. I was overloading one very sweet guy who just said "excuse me, I can't handle this right now," and he ran off, returning a few minutes later with a cup of tea he'd made for me. So I didn't feel invalidated. There must be a million ways of mitigating that cutoff thing - sometimes it's just a hand to the shoulder, or a simple request to re-convene or re-phrase. Another overloaded friend interrupted me with a question that was related to my woffling but forced me to address it in a way that was interesting to him. Main thing is to try not to worry. You're going to hurt people sometimes however hard you try not to, but the damage isn't often too great to be repaired. It is difficult for us, we often can't just take an interest in whatever people happen to be throwing at us, and we get social fatigue as well. And it doesn't really matter if you don't manage to focus on every word people say to you, so don't let perfectionism and low self-esteem get you down too much. Just my 2 cents.

Excuse the split posting, Cloudcrap won't let me do it all in one go, and it's the only workaround I know until somebody fixes it.

ToughDiamond, awesome way to sum it all up. Perfectionism? I'm guilty as charged. It's an OCD trait I'm working on. And with all the diagnosis and self-diagnosis debates on here, I guess I'm supposed to say that I do have a professional diagnosis of OCD.

DataB4:

What I was trying to say is, I guess a couple of things.

1) There are different understandings of "empathy." The kind of empathy that has been used on tests, for which autistic people don't do as well on, is more of a cultural empathy. A minority culture has trouble putting themselves in the place of the majority culture. A black person probably can't imagine what it's like to be white, for example, and a woman probably can't imagine what it's like to be a man. I also don't think it really goes the other way, but it appears to be worse when a minority is trying to empathize with the majority. In my own personal opinion, it's probably normal for minorities to pretend or try to empathize with a majority, but it would be unhealthy and weird if they really did. There was a Dave Chappelle skit once where Dave was an old, blind black man, who THOUGHT he was an old, racist white man, because no one had ever told him any different. In the skit, Dave was saying terrible, racist things about himself and didn't realize it. It was unnatural and strange, which was the point of the skit.

2) Many people think they are experiencing empathy, when in fact they may be experiencing sympathy. Let's say that two people see a homeless man on a cold night. One person feels bad and gives the man money. The other person thinks about how thrilling it must be to be free of life's responsibilities, and walks on without helping. What the second person feels is closer to empathy. The first person is experiencing sympathy, which in this case, is kinder than empathy. When someone else's state of being makes you feel something, it isn't necessarily empathy. But that really doesn't matter if you're being a good person. You don't have to feel anything at all to be a good citizen or a good person. You could have an internal regulatory system that works for you but is hard to describe to others.

So in summary, not everyone experiences empathy as we commonly define it, even neurotypicals, and that it isn't as necessary as we may think.