Emotional Neglect

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Hey there!

I just wanted to post something about feelings from the past that I have been processing.

I have been fighting my depression and addiction for a while and have been pretty successful at it. This has given me an opportunity to reflect on myself with a much clearer mind, and I have gotten to the source of my depression and need for addiction.

My mother, whom I love, has been very emotionally neglectful towards me in the past.
While growing up I used to share my room with my brother, who would bully me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
My mother was the only person who could really do something about this, and I would talk to her about it on an almost daily basis, basically pleading for her help. To no avail.
I just want to make clear that my brother almost never bullied me physically, more emotionally and mentally.

But that is not were it ends.
I have always attended normal schools. When it was time for me to go to highschool we had decided that I would go to a normal school. I completely agreed with this decision as it would fit me best.
However I did not fit well at the school were I ended up. My year had quite allot of bullies and I had to make myself pretty much invisible just in order not to become a target. I was actually quite succesfull at this and managed to somewhat avoid bullying. I was bullied, just not as much as could have been.
However I never felt good at school. So I also tried to talk about these things, again to no avail.
I was pretty much always ignored when I brought these things up. In fact my mom would put on something that I like to call "the stupid b***h routine".

One of the main problems was that she was kinda literally "in love" with my school. They were helpful financially and she had a good experience with most of the staff. She had kind of put up a wall that was impossible for me to penetrate.

This is in large part due to me often just not having the energy to tackle these things with full force.
EVERY DAY I would be sent to school that I hated, just to come home to a room which I had to share with a bully.
It wasn't until my brother moved out when I was 18 that I actually had a place were I could line up my thoughts and feelings. But at that time I was already with my head several miles deep into depression and had already been smoking weed at school for a year.

The most ridiculous thing about this is that now my mom vehemently denies that I ever talked about these things, which is complete garbage because I have talked about it literally all my life!

Because very recently my life had taken a very bad turn I have finally managed to have an "actual" conversation with her about these things. A real conversation, and not a conversation were she just throws snarky remarks at me until she shuts me up.

In order to put these things behind me, I need her to apologize to me for this.

And I think it will actually happen.

EDIT:
Sorry that it's such a long text, I just had to get it off my chest. If you have similar experiences please share them!

Bump

My parents like to use me as a trophy to show off to their family/friends etc. Because of this, they didn't want to accept that I could have ASD (I'm currently unassessed), because that would mean that I'm not good enough, or something. I was kept down in preschool for lack of social skills, and lack of motor skills. They are both medical professionals, and understand the presentation of ASD, but have been firmly in denial for years. To make their denial work, they have blamed all my ASD behaviours on character flaws (e.g. I don't talk to people because I'm arrogant, I don't offer comfort and love because I'm heartless, I don't understand social interaction because I'm acting stupid or being lazy etc.), and berate and punish me for these flaws. When I told my mother 5 years ago that I have difficulty understanding people and functioning normally, she yelled at me, saying that I'm 'not like that.' My teachers aren't really worried, because I do very well academically. I have never had support, because my parents are too comfortable in their denial to think that I might need help.

I have a younger sibling, and they have recently taken to calling me 'stupid', 'idiot', 'ret*d' etc., and continually assert that I must have 'some kind of problem'. My parents mostly ignore it.

When I confronted my parents about their treatment of me a fortnight ago, they said that they suspected I could have ASD for years, but did nothing. My mother denies that I spoke to her 5 years ago, when she yelled at me for saying that I am struggling and need help.

Rather than making better inroads, can there be a polite retreat. It doesn't mean that you have to be a hermit, from the rest of society, just that there is a personality conflict.

My mom and I have a good relationship now, but there was a degree of emotional neglect in my childhood as well - plus serious problems going on at school - and she honestly has ZERO memory of this.

Also, I look back on my marriage, and see that there was inexcusable, intentional sexual abuse going on. My ex-husband will never admit to this, or apologize for it.

Sometimes you just have to forgive people - or at the very least, agree to disagree on what happened in the past.

I've experienced the same thing to from my mom funny enough.

Whenever Id have huge social problems at school (i.e wasn't clicking with people) she would basically sort of "freeze me out" and almost resent me for not being able to click with other people.

My mom was always a bit more out to lunch in terms of the nature and extent of my disability than my father was.

She would often compare me unfavorably to a friend I had who was not on the spectrum and who was a star swimmer/ trumpet player. Instead of doing that it would have been helpful for her to explain or at least appreciate the true nature/extent of what I have in terms of organization,planning, academic struggles etc. Getting me to focus on them and address them instead of saying "Oh I wish youd be like this person."

She would often tell me to "get with it" and say things like if I just had a passion Id be better off than I am. She always pushed me socially and I am grateful to her for that, but when things didn't work out right she'd often put the onus on me and make me think I wasn't being friendly enough as opposed to the other kids just not buying what I was selling.

Whatever. I get along fine with her, but as well intentioned as she was, in retrospect there seems something a bit unserious about how she parented me.

Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. Only difference is both my parents are dead and gone. Dad's been gone 31 years, Mom's been gone 6 years. Both came from dysfunctional homes. 2 dysfunctional people marrying=dysfunctional family, with 5 kids (one being deceased) no matter how hard they tried to look normal. I'll spare the details, since I described them elsewhere.

Like you, my older brother abused me emotionally and physically, (For example, he would punch my arms and legs and ask if it hurt and if I said yes, he would tell me he was going to call the hospital and they would cut my arms and legs off) but he also protected me when I was little from potential bullies. I learned to protect myself eventually because my mother would often ignore my pleas for help though we would often get the belt, wooden spoon and things of that nature when bad. I learned to be reserved at a young age because my father would melt down and it frightened me. We didn't receive much affection like hugs and kisses, mostly discipline. My mother didn't help me or push me to do better or have much to do with me about schooling in general. She has the same learning problems I do (Dyslexia, Dyscalculia) so I guess she understood having trouble with school. I've had to try to overcome my difficulties on my own throughout my life.