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KT67
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30 Jan 2021, 7:36 am

A decent parent would:

Make it safe for their kid to come to them about anything harmless.

Guide their kid away from anything harmful

Recognise the difference so for eg a 3 yo wandering into the next aisle of a shop: dangerous. A 23 yo doing the same: not dangerous.

Not use bigoted slurs.

Not make sexual jokes.

Not send porn to the adult child. If a mistake is made on this: a decent parent admit what it is and apologises, doesn't dig heels.

Be safe for the kid to be around.

Not pick fights in public with no back out plan.

Not yell at people in public for little to no reason

Not insist an adult child sits on their knee

Not cut the kid out of their lives

Not go on sulks for days

Take criticism when doing something badly wrong

Not feel to the kid like a 'little brother/little sister'. Should earn respect enough to be thought of like an adult

Not tell a 7 yo kid to their face 'I can't afford this vital need you have, why not get something inferior'. If they can't afford a warm coat for the kid? Tell the other parent! Go out and buy gloves or hats or something. I'm literally talking about warm coat versus autumn coat here, nothing to do with aesthetics.

Not tell a 9 yo kid 'you don't want anything, you would like something'. There is nothing wrong with kids wanting things! Esp if it has to do with education or necessity so we're talking winter clothes, thesauruses etc not the latest flashy toy

Pay child maintenance

Buy the kid Christmas/birthday presents

Not accuse an adult's other parent of 'turning you against me'.

Allow the kid to say 'sorry'. Sorry is a good word. It doesn't show weakness.

Not cut the kid out of their life for setting boundaries

Not cut the kid out of their life for being against violence
*
I mean some of these, on their own, might be because of poverty or because parents are people. But all together? That's someone who shouldn't be a parent :x

I'm so done trying to make this guy feel like he's a proper dad. He won't do his side of it. He won't be a role model or an adult or someone who cares about me at all outside of what I can do for him :x If he could cope without me then I wouldn't be part of his life - cos he cut me out of it :x


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Sylkat
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30 Jan 2021, 4:48 pm

Why are you upsetting yourself by exposing yourself to a toxic person’s poisonous personality and hurtful words??
If this person wants to use someone for an emotional punching bag, the only thing stopping you from being the victim is you.
If he is as hateful as he sounds, he is as psychologically dangerous to your emotional health as if he had Covid 19, and was a danger to your physical health.
I see no reason for contact with him.


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KT67
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30 Jan 2021, 6:44 pm

Biologically, he's my dad.

I went a year not talking to him but it was hard. Because he's my dad.

And because he rejected me.

I finally have things kind of on my terms. What I mean is: I only text him and send him presents to his home & he sends me them via third party address (can't have mum pretending it's from him now, has to actually be from him...).

But he's really randomly insulting.

For eg last night he went off on a borderline sexual, transphobic rant about how Batman's a 'tr*nny'. (My censorship not WP's). Because I said Gotham City is New York pretending to be a fictional city. I wasn't saying anything remotely controversial or anything before that. All I did was mention Batman. Then I called him out on it and he sulked for a night and a morning. But I'm not allowed to say any swear words stronger than crap...

And he always sends me weird jokes which are borderline sexual like that one or racist or sexist etc. I don't send them back. I stopped reacting to them out of politeness and now I'm just blunt with him about how inappropriate it is.

My stepdad is 20 years older than him and doesn't act like that. Even accounting for generation gap, my dad's a bigoted dinosaur. And he doesn't know how to behave appropriately, like where you're meant to leave off when you're a parent. I have one adopted dad/step dad, one mum, I know what other parents act like and it's not like him.


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Rexi
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31 Jan 2021, 6:51 am

Your father is an insult to our dinosaur species. We disown him.

Sincerely,
T-Rexi.


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Sylkat
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31 Jan 2021, 4:47 pm

Being biologically related does not require communication or attempts at a relationship.
Wives who finally leave a physically or verbally abusive husband do so because she finally recognizes that that the abuse is not going to stop.
Ever.
What is the difference between a woman who once loved absolutely and promised ‘forever ‘ with her whole heart and a daughter who feels obligated to keep trying to love and relate to someone who cannot or will not reciprocate?
Don’t you feel relief when a mistreated wife leaves (escapes)her misery?
Don’t you deserve the same?


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Pieplup
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31 Jan 2021, 5:15 pm

KT67 wrote:
Biologically, he's my dad.

I went a year not talking to him but it was hard. Because he's my dad.

And because he rejected me.

I finally have things kind of on my terms. What I mean is: I only text him and send him presents to his home & he sends me them via third party address (can't have mum pretending it's from him now, has to actually be from him...).

But he's really randomly insulting.

For eg last night he went off on a borderline sexual, transphobic rant about how Batman's a 'tr*nny'. (My censorship not WP's). Because I said Gotham City is New York pretending to be a fictional city. I wasn't saying anything remotely controversial or anything before that. All I did was mention Batman. Then I called him out on it and he sulked for a night and a morning. But I'm not allowed to say any swear words stronger than crap...

And he always sends me weird jokes which are borderline sexual like that one or racist or sexist etc. I don't send them back. I stopped reacting to them out of politeness and now I'm just blunt with him about how inappropriate it is.

My stepdad is 20 years older than him and doesn't act like that. Even accounting for generation gap, my dad's a bigoted dinosaur. And he doesn't know how to behave appropriately, like where you're meant to leave off when you're a parent. I have one adopted dad/step dad, one mum, I know what other parents act like and it's not like him.

Its not gonna change you have to commit to not talking to them just because they are your parent doesn’t entitle them to anything. I know you feel like you owe him something because hes your dad but you don’t.
Quote:
I'm so done trying to make this guy feel like he's a proper dad. He won't do his side of it. He won't be a role model or an adult or someone who cares about me at all outside of what I can do for him :x If he could cope without me then I wouldn't be part of his life - cos he cut me out of it :x”.
Its not your job to take care of him. You dont owe him anything just like I dont own my mom anything you need to move on and realize the relationship you want to have with him isnt going to happen. Honestly, You might have things on your own terms right now but that aint gonna last. Ive seen it happen over and again. They dont change. Just leave and forget he existed. I know its hard to do so but you need to realize that its harmful to you and make a commitment.


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KT67
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31 Jan 2021, 5:42 pm

What confuses me/angers me is last time, when he 'disowned' me, mum came out with this whole story about why they divorced.

It made no sense to me.

Apparently she divorced him cos she saw he was an unfit father who wasn't safe to be around me.

Good reason imo...

Except why then did she allow him to have access to me at all? :? Unsupervised access too :?

I wish she hadn't cos I can remember hardly anything from being under the age of 4, when they divorced.

She says she was scared of him getting custody but in the early 90s dads could rarely get custody anyway and he was clearly the wrong parent to get it so...

It wouldn't hurt so much as an adult if he hadn't been part of my life as a kid. And it wouldn't hurt so much as a kid/teen if he had been a consistent part of my life instead of buggering off for years on end then coming back after large chunks and expecting me not to have changed.


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Fireblossom
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01 Feb 2021, 7:59 am

A logical thing to do would be just to cut him out of your life, which you seem to understand, but the problem is your emotional ties to him... right? My half sister had a similar problem; her father was alcoholic and emotionally abusive and she always complained about him, but when I asked her or mom why she bothered to help him then (she cleaned his place from time to time etc.) the answer was always "because he's her dad." It's just some kind of emotional bond that someone who hasn't been in a similiar situation can't understand, I suppose. Maybe finding some kind of support group or other people with similiar experiences could help you? You know, they could have a better understanding of your situation than those of us who've never had to deal with this kind of thing to such levels.



KT67
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01 Feb 2021, 8:45 am

Fireblossom wrote:
A logical thing to do would be just to cut him out of your life, which you seem to understand, but the problem is your emotional ties to him... right? My half sister had a similar problem; her father was alcoholic and emotionally abusive and she always complained about him, but when I asked her or mom why she bothered to help him then (she cleaned his place from time to time etc.) the answer was always "because he's her dad." It's just some kind of emotional bond that someone who hasn't been in a similiar situation can't understand, I suppose. Maybe finding some kind of support group or other people with similiar experiences could help you? You know, they could have a better understanding of your situation than those of us who've never had to deal with this kind of thing to such levels.


Yeah I think I need something like that.

And you hit the nail on the head.

He's a bad person but he's biologically my dad.

When he disowned me I found myself calling my stepdad 'dad'. Like, without putting any effort into it.


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magz
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01 Feb 2021, 8:52 am

 ! magz wrote:
Reminder: this is The Haven.
The Haven Rules apply to this thread.
Posts breaching them (and those quoting them) have been removed.
If The Haven rules breaching happens here again, I will not believe someone overlooked where we are.


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Sylkat
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01 Feb 2021, 10:20 am

Dear Magz,
Please help me understand what rules have been broached.
What I am seeing is a member in a bad situation and needing someone to talk to.
I’m seeing at least 3 people who are taking her pain seriously, are worried about her, and sincerely want to help her.
I want her to find the strength to break free from a hurtful, cruel man who is deliberately causing emotional pain to a sensitive woman who has enough to bear with this neurological thing we at WP are all struggling with,
I am only trying to help.
Reading the posts to her, so are other members.
Tell me what we did wrong.
We are just worried about her.


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magz
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01 Feb 2021, 10:27 am

Sylkat wrote:
Dear Magz,
Please help me understand what rules have been broached.
What I am seeing is a member in a bad situation and needing someone to talk to.
I’m seeing at least 3 people who are taking her pain seriously, are worried about her, and sincerely want to help her.
I want her to find the strength to break free from a hurtful, cruel man who is deliberately causing emotional pain to a sensitive woman who has enough to bear with this neurological thing we at WP are all struggling with,
I am only trying to help.
Reading the posts to her, so are other members.
Tell me what we did wrong.
We are just worried about her.

It was bringing up a flaming PPR topic here. The post was removed. Your contribution is perfectly fine.


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Sylkat
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01 Feb 2021, 5:06 pm

Thank you.
I’m glad we did not break any rules.
We really just want to help a friend.


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Sylkat
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02 Feb 2021, 5:07 pm

Are you feeling any better today, KT67?


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