I feel like a terrible person and a disgrace to WP. Goodbye

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I'm sure she knows anyway, such struggles are something I can feel in my husband's muscle tone.
Anyway, finding a therapist to help you with the burden instead of burdening your nearest and dearest sounds like the wisest plan possible.

My boyfriend is excellent at cracking jokes. He's asleep now, but at some point I'll ask him how he acquired this ability and let you know what he says. Please remind me if I don't post about this within the next few days.

I'm not very good at this myself, and it isn't something I've put a lot of effort into. But I will say this: Humor is highly individual; people vary a lot in what strikes them as funny. Also, humor is very culture-dependent. For example, there are probably a lot of jokes that would be funny to Muslims and/or ex-Muslims but would be totally lost on everyone else, and likewise there are a lot of jokes that would be funny to most native speakers of a given language but, probably, totally lost on people for whom the language is a second language.

That being the case, American TV shows might not be your best source of role models if you want to develop a sense of humor that your fiancee can relate to. Humor is based on shared perceptions of the world.

I would suggest that you find out what her favorite movies and TV shows are (if she hasn't already told you), and watch some of those shows (whichever ones you too enjoy; don't force yourself to keep watching stuff you don't enjoy, just for her sake), and also find out what her hobbies are in general, and learn about them. At the same time I think you should also share your own hobbies with her, and gently encourage her to explore them. Thus you'll develop a large set of common experiences that will be a good basis for shared humor and fun.

I think hiding stuff from her, over a prolonged period of time, is likely to be very bad for your relationship.

It will likely be very obvious to her and/or to her family, already, that you are hiding something. If you don't tell them what is, and if you don't tell them very soon, they are likely to suspect the worst. (Like maybe you've been seeing another woman? Or maybe you just recently murdered someone? Or maybe ...?)

I would hazard a guess that they are already speculating wildly. You need to nip that in the bud, and the only way to do so is by being honest.

Simply telling someone what is going on in your life is not the same thing as burdening them with it. You can tell them you are suffering from PTSD -- there's no disgrace in that (especially when you are with someone who also suffers from PTSD) -- but at the same time you can refuse to dwell on it when you are with them. It seems to me that the combination of being honest about your difficulties but not dwelling on them is what will show them that you are a strong man.

I would strongly suggest that you come clean with them ASAP, as soon as you are all awake enough for a serious conversation.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 16 Jun 2021, 5:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

^ seconded

Your fiancee deserves to know what the problem is so she has a clear picture of the situation. It's something completely different from expecting her to carry your burden. Give her just the knowledge, without any expectations attached. She probably already knows but it's better to have it clear.
Being honest to each other is a great foundation for living together and facing all future problems as a team.

I grew up in masking and denial culture - btw, also war-influenced but in earlier generations. Finding out my husband was simply honest opened a whole new world to me. Learning to be honest myself was a new life.

Are you living in America now?

Let salad make that decision in his own time. For now let him enjoy life.

But, as salad has already made clear, he is not just enjoying life. He has stated, for example, that he is having PTSD attacks while visiting his fiancee and his family, and that he is trying to hide them by making extra-long trips to the bathroom and pretending to be physically ill. Also he has talked about forcing himself to act like he is having fun, when he doesn't even know how to have fun.

So he is already behaving in ways that would likely be seen as suspicious by his fiancee and her family. Hence the urgency of coming clean ASAP.

It would not be so urgent if he were just communicating with her via email or social media. But he is with her and her family now, in person.

We don't have collective conciousness but we do have rules and guidelines.
This is The Haven. I remind everyone of The Haven rules.

Are there many hiking paths in Grand Marais?

They had a heat wave a couple of weeks ago—but now it’s in the upper 40s there.

I wish you two could take a nice hike there.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 16 Jun 2021, 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Do you think it's appropriate to leave your own opinion in this argument in a message you post as a moderator after deleting it?

Yes you do have collective consciousness. Rules and guidelines are part of it.

Please remind me who moved my "Feeling hopeless" thread appropriate for my own discussion from "The Haven" to "Health and Fitness"?

Last edited by badRobot on 16 Jun 2021, 7:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Then please be persistent with the rules and remove messages claiming I'm wrong. I have right to express my opinion and support to salad and this is not a place for arguments.

We are individuals, above all.

As for the Haven, I see it as a place where one could, without criticizing the person, gently offer solutions to people’s discontent.

It’s a place of growth, while allowing the person a place to feel an individual and collective support.

To preclude growth within the setting of the Haven is counterproductive.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 16 Jun 2021, 7:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

Salad, probably you missed my message about MDMA-assisted therapy lost to all the stupid arguments about insignificant bs. Please research it, it might change your life for the better.

I am not disagreeing with you (or magz). I am just saying there is no need to pressure salad. He needs to find the right time to tell her.

Please stay on topic, BadRobot. Even if you disagree with some other members, this is Salad's thread. Rather PM magz or anyone else you might have an issue with. Thanks

I am staying on topic.

I've expressed my opinion, it resonates with my "feeling hopeless" topic moved by magz to "Health and Fitness" against my will.

It wasn't me who replied to me "there is no collective mindset, this is ridiculous". Please tell them to stay on topic. You are one of them, btw.

If someone disagrees with me, including you, you are welcome to PM me instead of starting an argument here.