I don't understand my autistic boyfriend

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Summer_Twilight
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03 Nov 2022, 12:46 pm

I have been dating my boyfriend off and on for nearly a year who also happens to be on the spectrum as well. In many ways, we have seemed to compliment each other but I wonder if we just aren't a good fit for each other. I will also mention that I am more extroverted and he is more introverted. However, I have to question the relationship because:

1. He wished me happy birthday and asked me what I am up to when I was on my way go go out. When I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner on my birthday, he did the autistic thing and stuck to a routine where he went over to spend time with his friends for weekly TV night.

2. I have tried suggesting things to him that we do as a couple and so far all he wants to do is watch TV, make out and play with my feet. For example, I tried to invite him to watch a basketball game with me on Monday night but he decided to do the original routine.

3. The other night, while we were together he told he that he was bored and tired, however, he supposedly didn't care for the movie I put on. However, he still seemed to kiss me.

4. I asked him to text me when he got home and when he did, he was really short with me in the last text and I have not heard from him since

5. He's told me once that he loves me but is not in love with me and at one point we decided to just be friends. Well about a month later he's still wanting to kiss me.

6. It seems like whenever I am out in my complex doing something such as swimming or attending community event, he never expresses interest to come out and talk to me. He goes outside, gets the mail and then goes back in.

7. It will sometimes be days before I heard from in him in text and mostly they seem to pictures of women getting their feet tickled. (He's into BDSM).



klanka
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03 Nov 2022, 1:32 pm

I think 6 is normal for an autistic person. he just probably thinks he is giving you space, or thinks he'll just catch you later. It's also a non-routine thing to do.



Double Retired
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03 Nov 2022, 1:58 pm

Regarding #1...maybe use the approach illustrated in this educational video:



...that is, just tell him.


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DanielW
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03 Nov 2022, 2:20 pm

If you want to be a regular part of you boyfriends life, You have to be written into the routine. Make regular fixed times in both of your routines to do something together. Otherwise, yes he's going to stick to the usual plan.

Also, don't be subtle, don't drop hints, and don't present him with too many choices. You might say something like, "The next time we get together, I want to GO/DO "this thing" with you, can we do that?" If He repeatedly turns you down, you should really cut down on or cut off the making out stuff. That kind of stuff belongs to people who are willing to reciprocate.



r00tb33r
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03 Nov 2022, 2:41 pm

I think this isn't going to develop into anything more. If you like what this is, then stay.


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Summer_Twilight
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03 Nov 2022, 2:42 pm

In a nutshell, this my relationship with my boyfriend



He's gotten me a few gifts that were logical in his mind.

Basically, he knows I like sparkling water so he went out and bought me a soda stream after we started dating. He did that so I could save money on Sparkling water.



DanielW
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03 Nov 2022, 2:45 pm

Leonard and penny ended up getting married :D



Summer_Twilight
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03 Nov 2022, 3:34 pm

DanielW wrote:
Leonard and penny ended up getting married :D


That's true because I am like Leonard and he's more like Penny. The only difference is that he's a lot more interested in Nerdy things. Yes, I think Leonard is also somewhere on the spectrum but he understands unwritten social rules more than Sheldon does.



r00tb33r
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03 Nov 2022, 3:35 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Basically, he knows I like sparkling water so he went out and bought me a soda stream after we started dating. He did that so I could save money on Sparkling water.

That's actually a nice gift, so you could try carbonating other beverages and flavors.

I personally like fizzy beverages too. I mix lemonade and seltzer.


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Summer_Twilight
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03 Nov 2022, 3:47 pm

Oh I agree but in his mind, he wanted me to save money



PIERINA
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04 Nov 2022, 1:33 am

I honestly don’t know how you can stand the stuff he’s doing and I’m a lot like him myself. You’re being very patient and putting up with a lot so must like him a lot. I think you might need to tell him to squeeze you into his tight schedule at least 2x a week for at least a few hours each time. I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore but I still want to kiss you and play with your feet and I no time for you. Does this stuff hurt your feelings? I hope not. It would hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m too sensitive but it would feel like abuse to me. It’s my opinion that on the spectrum or not he has no right to be this rude to you. I’d still probably give him a few more chances though but I’d cutoff the kissing and foot play until things feel right



Summer_Twilight
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04 Nov 2022, 8:32 am

PIERINA wrote:
I honestly don’t know how you can stand the stuff he’s doing and I’m a lot like him myself. You’re being very patient and putting up with a lot so must like him a lot. I think you might need to tell him to squeeze you into his tight schedule at least 2x a week for at least a few hours each time. I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore but I still want to kiss you and play with your feet and I no time for you. Does this stuff hurt your feelings? I hope not. It would hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m too sensitive but it would feel like abuse to me. It’s my opinion that on the spectrum or not he has no right to be this rude to you. I’d still probably give him a few more chances though but I’d cutoff the kissing and foot play until things feel right


To be honest with you, no it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore. Rather, I have learned to accept him for who he is but I do wish that he would pay more attention to me.

For example, there was a cook-out back in Sept and he happened to be off work but told me he had no plans of going because he had just come back from out of town and had a lot to do around the house. Yet, I saw him going back and forth taking things to the dump he just completely ignored me. I also noticed that every time he walked by the clubhouse, I saw him putting his headphones in.



kraftiekortie
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04 Nov 2022, 9:06 am

I know what you mean.

This reminds me of Amy and Sheldon----except Sheldon is much more of a jerk than your boyfriend.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Nov 2022, 9:20 am

I wouldn't want to date Sheldon as I think he would just cut me down. Actually, I had a crush on a Sheldon for years who didn't like me back but he was flirt.

As for my boyfriend, if I had to choose among of the male characters on that show, probably a combination of Leonard and Howard. Actually, I think all of them are probably somewhere on the spectrum but Sheldon stands out a little more because his traits are more severe.



rse92
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04 Nov 2022, 9:36 am

Personally, I think just because he is autistic he doesn't have the right to be an ass to you, which he is.

You ought to put your foot down.

I'll bet your could find an NT or another ND fellow who treat you with courtesy and respect.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Nov 2022, 9:48 am

rse92 wrote:
Personally, I think just because he is autistic he doesn't have the right to be an ass to you, which he is.

You ought to put your foot down.

I'll bet your could find an NT or another ND fellow who treat you with courtesy and respect.
\

Honestly, I am not in a huge hurry to meet someone else new and actually, I don't think being autistic has anything to do with it. He doesn't even like to associate with being autistic. Rather, I think that's just his personality in general as he has always been kind of a stinker. I accept it because we have been friends for years.