exhausted all the options

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Bored, sick, and tired of myself, everyone else, the solar system, and everything else.

40, always been single, zero children. Diagnosed autistic @ 21. Ages 24-26 and 36 to currently, on testosterone to transition to male. 21, diagnosed clinical depression. Live alone in a house that my sister owns. My sister, 44, lives 15 miles away with her spouse and two children. Sister is a medical doctor. Her spouse is an electrical engineer. They earn a lot more $$$ than me. Been working @ Home Depot as a Lot Attendant for three years and counting. Earned $29,000 last year. Not healthy enough to work a side hustle. Cannot afford to turn the heat on. The area I live in, is not nearly as cold as Chicago or whatever, but one month ago, my physician (not my sister), said that my frozen feet are a symptom of Reynauld's Phenomenon and I have to get a leg ultrasound for diagnosis.

My dumpsterfire "job" is minimum wage, menial labor, and manual labor. My worthless corpse has been rapidly getting physically weaker and slower. Paranoid pretty soon, I won't be healthy enough to work @ all. Government benefits not guaranteed, sufficient, or permanent.

Two weeks ago, my sister told me that the electric bill (which she has been paying), was too high, and I need to unplug the heater. The heater only heated the hallway, by a couple degrees, after being on for a couple hours. However, I was (am) afraid that if I keep turning the heater on, my sister will punish me by selling the house. If she sells the house, I could easily end up homeless, unless I qualify for government subsidized housing, or Section 8 housing, or someone lets me live @ their house. Since I have zero "friends", I find it hard to imagine that anyone will lemmie live @ their house. With the heater off, my feet have been freezing between 5 and 10am every day, and sometimes 7-9pm @ night. My sister offered to gimmie an electric blanket, but an internet article says that the electric blanket has to be turned off before you go to sleep, lest you get burned. so what is the point of an electric blanket? besides, when i am in my house and not in bed, my feet and hands are still frozen.

been to 36 counselors. the longest one, for two years.

starting december 2023, been on Kaiser. $446.25/month and $185 copay. Cold f**k. Kaiser is "nickel and diming" me of my "chump change" and i don't understand how anyone that doesn't earn a lot of $$$$ could afford Kaiser insurance. Medi-Cal would no longer allow me services, because I allegedly earned too much $$$$.

from 2015-november 2023, Medi-Cal. Did not have to pay for Medi-Cal.

exhausted all the time. don't wanna do anything besides, Internet, sleep, eat, litterbox. brain exhausted. do not feel like interacting with anyone. everything seems meaningless and useless.

zero "friends"

zero hobbies

zero goals.

I feel like I should be doing something challenging and productive and contribute to society positively. For example, write a book. But everything seems so f*****g hard.

My work history has long gaps in employment and plenty of companies had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant. Applied for plenty of jobs. A couple interviews. Zero offers. All the jobs I have had were minimum wage.

the only thing that saved me was help from others. i don't know where i'd be without that assistance.

I feel for you. I have been in your shoes, only different ones.

I understand how feeling lonely is, although if you have your special interests you cannot feel that lonely. Do you have one? Life is abundant of that!! ! and special interests do not require a lot of socialising either.

But try to understand what your needs are... maybe therapy can help you and you can find a therapy group to enroll, those can teach coping strategies and make you feel good about yourself too.


I know how it is to have a CV full of gaps. Would suggest a better paying job. Easier said than done, but if you try to educate yourself you can get one... we can all excel at certain jobs, as long as we got our own quiet.

Also, please be grateful for having a house... it trully is soo important to have a roof over your head!! You do not want to lose it to start appreciating that!

And start writing that book, little by little, without being perfectionist..perfection does not exist...allow yourself to be flawed then you can make corrections! (talking to myself , too)

One step at a time. Accept that it is a bad period of your life and it is a wave you need to ride.

And please do not talk like this for your body. Love it. Care for it. Appreciate it for how strong it has been living in this intense world, and for how much it has tolerated.

You remind yourself, you have super powers.

Self understanding is the key to making positive changes. Think about the fact that your hormone treatments are sending you through another Puberty... emotional tornado as your body adjusts and you learn to manage the strong emotions the hormones might stir up.

Also , are you on meds for anxiety and depression? those can be in need of adjustment too. I also wonder about negativity bias, where one only expects bad things to happen and tries to prepare to deal with them, this includes interactions with other humans (rejection sensitive dysphoria). It seems from certain posts that you have made in the past that you are ruminating a lot on crisis situations and having anxiety over things you are afraid of happening.

learning more about side effects of meds and possible mental health issues can help you find new ways to deal with them. If you are a writer, you are probably also a reader.... read up and cut yourself some slack on the struggles you are facing. Knowing yourself, your triggers, the way your meds are interacting or expected to act (and knowing when you need help to adjust doses or try new ones) are all things you can do to help yourself.

There are financial counseling services available at no cost to those with low incomes, and you may be able to take advantage of that to get advice on money management.

It sounds like your family pays utilities, do you pay rent? Talk it over with financial advisors (your family may be in the position to help you find somebody to coach you) because many times, just as with counselors, an outside eye on a problem can help spot things that might not be obvious to you in the middle of the stress of the experiences.