Feeling I'm not attractive enough or too old for some people

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chris1989
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23 Feb 2024, 3:21 pm

I might have explained before in another thread, that for some reason I still find myself attracted to younger women and I seem to feel as though it's "wrong" and "weird" because I'm over 30 and they are maybe in their early 20s and I seem to worry that I might look at me and think I'm too old or something when I clearly don't know what they are thinking. I don't know whether they attracted to me or not. I do find myself attracted to some older women but I seem to feel though I wouldn't date someone much older than me. I know my mum and a partner have an 18 year age gap and I don't see it as a "bad" thing as they've been together for 15 years. She met him at 45 and he met her at 28. I seem to think I still have that attraction to 20 year old women that I had 10 years ago and I seem to find it frustrating as though somehow society and a part of my own self is telling me not to date them because they might be a decade younger than me.



blitzkrieg
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23 Feb 2024, 4:51 pm

It is more understandable for a developmentally delayed person to want to to people date younger than themselves. But if I were you I wouldn't date someone more than ten years younger than you. You are 30+, so 20 would be very young for you.

Eighteen year olds are still teenagers, so that would be a bit perverse, I think, even if legal.



TheUndiagnosed
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23 Feb 2024, 5:58 pm

I have the same problem (I'm 43, never had a gf)
I don't see any solution (except suicide)



funeralxempire
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23 Feb 2024, 6:04 pm

You're always going to be too old for some people, too young for others. You're always going to be 'not attractive enough' for some people.

I wouldn't get highly invested in people's ages, so long as they're adults and interested.


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Sweetleaf
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24 Feb 2024, 3:32 am

I don't think its that weird for people in their 20s to date people in their 30's I mean I was 26 when I met my boyfriend who was already 30. But it would be offputting for a 30 year old guy to be going after girls 18 and younger like that's just too much of a development gap...a lot of 18-20 year olds don't quite know what they are after in life yet so getting with a 30 year old adult does tend to make the 30 year old adult seem a bit predatory.

I have a boyfriend but I am 34 if I was single...I cannot even imagine dating basically a kid sure maybe would be 'legal' for me to date an 18 year old but that doesn't mean I should...the idea just feels weird cause that's a kid at the age they should be figuring out what they want in life not trying to satisfy a much older partner.


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blitzkrieg
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24 Feb 2024, 5:55 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
I don't think its that weird for people in their 20s to date people in their 30's I mean I was 26 when I met my boyfriend who was already 30. But it would be offputting for a 30 year old guy to be going after girls 18 and younger like that's just too much of a development gap...a lot of 18-20 year olds don't quite know what they are after in life yet so getting with a 30 year old adult does tend to make the 30 year old adult seem a bit predatory.

I have a boyfriend but I am 34 if I was single...I cannot even imagine dating basically a kid sure maybe would be 'legal' for me to date an 18 year old but that doesn't mean I should...the idea just feels weird cause that's a kid at the age they should be figuring out what they want in life not trying to satisfy a much older partner.


I agree with all of this post.



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24 Feb 2024, 7:50 am

If she's 20 years or older and there is a mutual attraction I'd say your dating is nobody else's business.


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autisticelders
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24 Feb 2024, 9:36 am

probably just depends on the people involved.
Maturity in males is usually slower and behind where women are at the same age. In your 30s usually these things even out. We will always be too young or too old, too ugly, too poor, too "something" for some others, but there are many others "out there" who might be just right. If somebody says NO, try try again, try something or somebody different, or who maybe at first sight is not the person of your absolute dreams... you might surprise yourself!


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BTDT
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24 Feb 2024, 10:26 am

There are certainly females in their 20s looking to start a family with an older guy who is ready to start a family and has the job and finances to do so. The savings to put a down payment on a house. Guys in their 20s don't have enough savings to do that.

Men tend to be more interested in appearance than women. Women tend to be more interested in income and finances than appearance. A common romance novel cliche is that women will marry for money and power.

There was a brief time when women with good jobs hooked up with men that needed their financial support.
Those relationships soon dissolved as the men failed to be good partners.



Last edited by BTDT on 24 Feb 2024, 10:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

nick007
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24 Feb 2024, 10:30 am

autisticelders wrote:
probably just depends on the people involved.
Maturity in males is usually slower and behind where women are at the same age. In your 30s usually these things even out. We will always be too young or too old, too ugly, too poor, too "something" for some others, but there are many others "out there" who might be just right. If somebody says NO, try try again, try something or somebody different, or who maybe at first sight is not the person of your absolute dreams... you might surprise yourself!
I agree.

I didn't worry a lot about a potential partner's age as long as she was legal. What's important is the way we relate to each other & get along regardless of our physical ages. My second girlfriend was 19 when I was 28 & she was autistic herself. Some major reasons our relationship did not work out were actually because I was too dependent & immature for her. Plus she had a couple years left of college & was dependent on her parents to help her pay for it & her parents were very traditional & wanted our relationship on their terms. We were mostly long-distance & her parents woulda cut her off financially if we moved in together even thou she had her own apartment. Her parents didn't even want us to be alone together for a couple hours. It woulda been a lot easier for her to date someone at college & keep it a secret from her parents. Her parents are probably some of the reason she had a high desire to be more independent. Our relationship woulda had a much better chance of working out if I woulda been a lot more financially independent like able to get an OK paying job instead of being on disability, then I woulda been in a position to support her & she woulda been OK with her parents cutting her off.

I know various cases of disabled guys being in long-term relationships with women a lot younger than them partly because women their age would not give them a real chance. The guys were better able to relate to younger women sometimes due to them having similar interests or the younger women had different priorities than older ones.

It's creepy to try initiating relationships with younger women because they're younger. However I do not think it's creepy to try to initiating a relationship with a younger woman because you like talking to her, hanging out with her, think she's possibly interested in you, or you don't really know her but think you two might could get along well or something. I think I was judged as creepy for my various autism & social problems instead of me being older than the women I was hoping I'd have a chance with. Or they were put off because of me being disabled at my age.


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CockneyRebel
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24 Feb 2024, 12:15 pm

I think you're being hard on yourself. If you go to all the right places, you will find a woman.


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DanielW
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24 Feb 2024, 12:39 pm

EVERYONE is going to inevitably be not attractive enough or not young enough for SOME people. It doesn't hold universally true that EVERYONE will think so.



babybird
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24 Feb 2024, 3:22 pm

TheUndiagnosed wrote:
I have the same problem (I'm 43, never had a gf)
I don't see any solution (except suicide)


Yeah don't do that


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nick007
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24 Feb 2024, 4:31 pm

BTDT wrote:
There are certainly females in their 20s looking to start a family with an older guy who is ready to start a family and has the job and finances to do so. The savings to put a down payment on a house. Guys in their 20s don't have enough savings to do that.

Men tend to be more interested in appearance than women. Women tend to be more interested in income and finances than appearance. A common romance novel cliche is that women will marry for money and power.

There was a brief time when women with good jobs hooked up with men that needed their financial support.
Those relationships soon dissolved as the men failed to be good partners.
This reminds me, I knew a disabled guy on another forum who met his wife by asking a woman on the forum who was about to be homeless to be his roommate. My friend had a decent job & was fairly independent but he had a seizure disorder that was currently well managed but not always had been. He wanted to have someone around just in case & he had a few other disabilities as well. He could get dates OK if the women didn't know about his disabilities but things always ended once the women knew the extent & that he might be forced to quit working if things got worse. There was a woman on the forum who was gonna be homeless after graduating high-school & my friend's roommate was moving out. My friend wanted to have someone around & he felt sorry for the woman's situation so he suggested that she could stay with him while figuring things out. After she was there for a bit they entered a relationship & he helped her get a job at his company because she was wanting to be more independent. They got married about a year later. She admitted on the forum that if her circumstances had been different she would not of given him a chance because she woulda been worried about their age difference(he was about 30 while she was 18), she woulda been worried about his disabilities getting worse, & he wasn't the type she was generally attracted to with looks or personality. She said she fell for him after a while because he was very respectable & sweet to her. When she was going to school & living with her parents her posting seemed a bit b!tchy but she had a good reason to be; whereas after she moved in with him she seemed a lot happier. I'd guess it's kinda like how my posting was a lot more b!tchy when I was single & living with my parents & I associate my happiness with my girlfriend.


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