Under what circumstances would you get back with an ex?

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Canadian Freedom Lover
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08 Oct 2024, 3:11 am

Rhapsody wrote:
Canadian Freedom Lover wrote:
My gut feeling says you shouldn't get back together with this person. Unless you have concrete evidence to support this person's claims that they have changed. A-holes are very good at holding up a facade just long enough for you to buy back into the relationship, then your trapped.

Trust me, I've dealt with my fair share of shape shifters in my time.

That's a good point, but how would I get concrete evidence that somebody changed?

I do know he didn't lie when he said he talked to his friends about how he can be better going forward. I became friends with one of them while we were dating (we swap cat memes) and he confirmed. Which is probably the most concrete evidence I can get that he's at least trying harder this time.


It sounds like you are making excuses to get back together with this person. If that is the case then the relationship is doomed. Best off meeting someone new.



Gentleman Argentum
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08 Oct 2024, 3:42 am

Rhapsody wrote:
In order to help someone on WP I recently reached out to an ex because it was his line of work and he knew things I didn't and I wanted to help them. Anyway, that opened a communication channel and he's since apologized and told me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, and that he's had a shift in perspective now, and that he's really worked on himself, and that he wants another chance. He said he talked to all of his friends and even reached out to some of his own exes about the things he does that strain relationships and how he can make them better. That the reason he broke up with me was a depression/anxiety spiral and that he's very sure it won't happen again. He said he really wants to make things work.

I want to believe him. I really want to believe him and give him a second chance. Is it completely stupid of me?

Under what circumstances would you take back an ex?


For you, I would suggest Distance as a protective buffer. Live separately. He is fighting a war. By getting too close, you are in the trenches with him when Depression/Anxiety begins shelling his position. He may prefer to withdraw from others when the battle gets intense, Distance allows him to do so.


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08 Oct 2024, 4:37 am

Why do you want to be in a relationship and what do you expect to get out of it? I think that if being in this kind of relationship makes you happy, then you might as well give it a try.

Also, it may help to know what does your ex expect to get from this relationship? Does he have needs that can be met by being in a relationship with you?


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08 Oct 2024, 4:49 am

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08 Oct 2024, 6:40 am

Rhapsody wrote:
Under what circumstances would you get back with an ex?
When Hell freezes over.


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Rhapsody
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08 Oct 2024, 3:05 pm

MaxE wrote:
Why do you want to be in a relationship and what do you expect to get out of it? I think that if being in this kind of relationship makes you happy, then you might as well give it a try.

Also, it may help to know what does your ex expect to get from this relationship? Does he have needs that can be met by being in a relationship with you?

Thank you! Those are very good questions. It looks like I have more to ponder and some more questions to ask him.



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08 Oct 2024, 4:38 pm

Rhapsody wrote:
I want to believe him. I really want to believe him and give him a second chance. Is it completely stupid of me?

I can't say it's impossible, but I have never been in a situation where a second chance was a good idea.

I mean, technically I've never had a "first chance" that worked out, but the second time was always much worse and much shorter.


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MaxE
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09 Oct 2024, 5:36 am

Full disclosure: I have never resumed a relationship with somebody with whom I had a serious prior relationship, who dumped me and then reached out later. I once had a relationship with someone who had "gone out" with me but then became serious with someone else, then reached out a year later after her previous relationship ended. That same person then dumped me, but reached out in a sort of half-assed way about a year after that, sort of came on to me, but I didn't take the bait as I assumed she'd just dump me again. Although I did go out to dinner with her once after that, but she didn't make any move that time.

Another time somebody I had dumped convinced me to visit her but once she and I found ourselves alone together in her bedroom, things started back up. I eventually dumped her again. Not proud. I could explain my behavior if someone wants.

But still, I would go back to an ex if they gave me enough reason to be optimistic about the outcome, including some frank discussion of why things hadn't worked out the first time, and why I shouldn't let that worry me. I think any opportunity to have a SO in life is worth considering, but of course every situation is different.


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09 Oct 2024, 8:00 am

I don't think I would, full stop, even if I still liked them. At the end of the day, we'd still be the same people, meaning whatever interaction between us destroyed the relationship is likely to happen again. People don't change their personalities.


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10 Oct 2024, 7:14 pm

Well, I only really have one ex, even though I kinda have two others from the internet... My one ex, IDK... She ghosted me. It hurt a whole lot. It's been almost a decade and now we live far away from each other (as far as I know. Even in the slim chance she moved, I can't imagine she moved to the same state I did. That would be a huge coincidence lol). I have long since fallen out of love and am not attracted to her at all anymore. So... her coming back to me wouldn't make any sense at all. And I'm pretty unhappy with the way she treated me when she ghosted me... I mean it's her right to not have me in her life, but it's also my right now to leave it that way if she changes her mind. But I don't really know how in the world I would react and I have been single for so long and my love life has been so hopeless aside from that time I had with her...


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14 Oct 2024, 3:00 am

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
I don't think I would, full stop, even if I still liked them. At the end of the day, we'd still be the same people, meaning whatever interaction between us destroyed the relationship is likely to happen again. People don't change their personalities.


This is right in general. A lot depends on how/why someone became an Ex. There are a lot of different reasons that people have. In general though, if one person decides to actually cut someone out of their life altogether, forever, then it would be really odd to change course and want to get back together. I would question every aspect of that, financial motive would be the #1 reason. In fact, financial motive is the #1 reason people get together in the first place. I don't think that people particularly like other people really. They just think they can live better with someone else. They can be more, do more, have more.


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14 Oct 2024, 5:57 am

I suppose if somebody I'd been seeing left me for somebody else, but managed to remain at least somewhat friendly i.e. if they called I would be willing to talk with them, then some time later reached out to tell me the other person hadn't worked out and they came to understand they were happier with me, and I wasn't by then with somebody else, then I would probably give them another chance. I would likely tell them I wanted a fair amount of reassurance they really mean it this time.

This actually sort of happened to me. Not really an ex, but somebody I'd gone on dates with outside a serious relationship, who was showing signs of interest in something more serious, was apparently trying to choose between me and somebody else, and decided to get serious with that other person. A year later she unexpectedly called and apologized by saying she'd been mean to me in the past and would I forgive her? I don't remember if she actually asked me to forgive her, but I distinctly remember her confession about having been mean. She and I then dated seriously for several months. How the relationship ended is complicated, but it wasn't because she dumped me for someone else but because she basically decided I wasn't husband material (to simplify to some degree). I don't regret having dated her under such circumstances, it is mostly a fond memory for me.


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