When life feels messy

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I’ve been going through a world when it changes this last few years. And I’ve uprooted my life a few times this last time I was in Oregon for 10 years I just got back to Wisconsin about eight months ago now I thought I would be in my own place two months of being home that didn’t happen I’m already change jobs. I’m always feeling so discontent and needing to do in the next thing what I do is never enough for myself and in my head seemingly for others I start so many tasks and then get overwhelmed and can’t process any of them and then I feel disgusted with my inability to get tasks done and ADHD runs in my family I was diagnosed as a child with it it hasn’t changed much into adulthood and navigating this world is so difficult and admitting that I am a single 37-year-old woman with no children and I don’t know how to get my life together is embarrassing to admit I’m prideful I don’t like to ask for help and I do ask for help I always feel like I’m being a burden I get overwhelmed and my mom thinks that she has ADHD as well perversion is different than mine and she’s like just get it together or just do XYZ if the pain is bad in a field change it it’s not that I can’t change it the willpower and the brain power to do it is not there and I don’t know how to make her understand that sometimes which causes me to be depressed more often than not and now that I have insurance I’d like to go get a therapist and maybe get on medication but I’ve been afraid of medication for a long time I don’t want to be dependent on a substance to survive I’m hoping for other types of therapy but I would really like to clear my mind and not deal and feel like this anymore I’d like to not cover up my pain through addiction first it was food then I got that under control-ish and then it was smoking cannabis I was addicted to cigarettes for a long time I’ve been staying sober for over 10 years of nicotine. My new addiction now is being at the gym because I had weight loss surgery this last year and I’m determined to keep it off but then there’s still days I feel like I’m 350 pounds again after losing 175 pounds and then I’m gonna gain it all back and then I get a self talk that’s in and I feel like a piece of s**t and then I go smoke some more even though I’m trying to quit smoking cause you use it as a crutch and I really can’t function on it while being at work I’ve come to realize from this job is really important to me and I want to sustain and learning and growth through this company because it aligns with my future goals of my own entrepreneurship so I’m just in the dumps right now and I wish all the time but I didn’t have an ADHD brain when it comes to having to focus on certain things other times my brain is great and a hyper fixation can be really stimulating and great and I get a lot of stuff done but it’s just the time and I don’t get stuff done that is just so damaging to my mental health and I know that on a daily basis. Anybody relate? How do you do I try to watch the pulp tapes and find Youtubers and finding the steps I asked my mom who’s in recovery of 20 years of alcohol how to do better but she acts like a mom and you know how that works out. I just want to do better feel better find a community that can help me thrive

Sweet Pea hugs

You've been through a lot.

Welcome to Wrong Planet Rainbowpixi .... had a friend who had pretty dysfunctional ADHD .. and think he had tried a med called strattera ,Claimed it worked well and incase of withdrawel,he said he got irritable. But personally have used various strengths of coffee . After my friend lost his doctor To get his meds and added caffiene pills and then added a little of the amino acid " Theanine" 1 capsule, for myself ,Sometimes, I use that with my coffee .
And a common product on the net called dmae , has given good results also . As a type of nootropic . Which behaves very nicely in the nervous system, I found for myself , "based on the books by Dr. Donsbach" .A Researcher as well as a Doctor . been using 1/2 of a pea amount . 3x a week in my coffee, or your choice of drink . Been using it with caution. Safer than caffiene even IMHO. Hope you are able to get some relief. and feel better soon.
(Medical disclaimer: , as always check with your choice of medical provider before starting any new substance).

Welcome aboard Rainbowpixi (RBP?)
When I self diagnosed last century as an extro aspie, Asperger's and ADHD were considered mutually exclusive.
Recently I had to reevaluate and under DSM-V I land squarely under auDHD.
Since catching COVID twice my mental space has altered (COVID is referenced as timing rather than cause...yet) and I feel I've had the ADHD toggled on.
I was high masking and functioned fairly normally before the switch, but now I've lost the ability to initiate, remember and sit still.
I suspect brain fog has compromised my thinking speed as I can no longer juggle 50 ideas... I seem incapable of holding 3.

No way can I afford the psychiatric evaluation required for methylphenidate, but I did manage to get authorisation for bupropion as an antidepressant after an episode of serotonin toxicity. I asked my GP to re-prescribe that in microdose to see if something else with an amphetamine spine would help regulate my impulse.
I think it has helped some, but I'll persevere with this dose for a month or two.

What surprised me was the manifestation of OCD. I suppose there were trivial signs previously but the other day I went full Sheldon and just HAD to finish telling my story. I'm preparing to beg forgiveness for that this morning.

I'm stumped as to where to take my life from here. I am no longer capable of any of my jobs, and mere survival has become difficult on my own. This mental paralysis has tripped almost all of the agency triggers for my end of life plan.
So... I'm going to continue my pledge to have fun and enjoy myself until I trip the last trigger.

Who's with me?

Keep on keepin On ...!.. ....