Guys, how do you keep your NT wife/girlfriend happy?

Page 1 of 2 [ 31 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

jread
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2005
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 138
Location: Austin, TX

15 Oct 2007, 4:37 pm

I'm married to a wonderful NT girl who I am quite happy with, but she is not always very happy with me. She doesn't understand why I don't think to compliment her, or tell her what she means to me, or bring her flowers, etc. I can't make her understand that I DO appreciate her but that I never think of doing things like that and that I have trouble showing my emotions. I think that her issues with me are valid and that she does deserve to feel special and appreciated, but I honestly have no clue how to do this. I don't know how to remind myself to compliment her ever now and then or surprise her with flowers here and there. These things make her very happy and it's really not much to ask of me to do them... I just don't know how to make myself think that way.

Any tips or advice? How do you do it?



BazoQ
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 43

15 Oct 2007, 5:14 pm

This is the crux of an AS/NT marriage. The best we can hope for is mutual acceptance.... Understanding? I dunno...My wife and I have been together for almost twenty years, and we still have major misunderstandings. I love my wife more than my own life, but expressing that is almost impossible for me. But since I've been diagnosed, my wife has a better understanding of who I am and how I think. And along with that came the realization that I had never meant to cause her grief....It was just the way I am. If I could name the one best result of my dx, it's that.



luckbug
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 40
Location: Denver

15 Oct 2007, 5:17 pm

LOL if only we could all learn to think like that. Look, I'm sure that sometimes you need to go off and just have your own aspie time? Well, she needs that to, but instead of being alone, she needs time and attention with you. I do have a couple of sugestions though. You can do this, even though you may not do it the same way as everybody else.
when you are at work, or whatever you do all day, and you have an interesting thought, or you think about her at all, write it down and share it with her some way later. Were you listening to the radio and heard a song that reminded you of her? Did you think of something funny and want to share it with her so you could see her smile? Or did you just figure out a way to fix something? Sharing your thoughts with her means you apreciate her opinion and you want to share yourself with her. And just telling her you thought about her that day will be nice.
Because you are spouses, keeping up on house-hold chores is also a great way to show you appreciate her. A guy who sings is hot, a guy who cooks is sexy, but the guy who cleans up is the sexiest. :P
Also, what are her interests? make her interests an important part of you life. Example: my boyfriend likes this anime called Naruto, which I've heard of but never been intersted in, but now I read up on it and watch the new episodes with him Saturday nights. It's not my interest, but it is his, so I treat it as special.
Also, make sure that you give as mush attention and respect as you can before you become intimate with her. This tells her that you want her for her, and not for you own needs. Women can get very upset about this.
And her's what you can practice that will help you remember to think about these things-
She, as an NT, will probabaly show you attention in the way she wants from you. She probably respects your interests, and tries to keep the house nice, and tells you about her day. etc. These are you queues. When she gives you attention, notice it- how, what, why, etc. That will help you figure out how and when she wants the same kind of attention.



Saqqara
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 25 Sep 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 26

15 Oct 2007, 5:20 pm

Hehe.... this issue is hardly exclusive to AS/NT marriages ;) It doesn't always come naturally to *anyone* to do those things that remind our loved ones that we love them regularly. It's work! Maybe write down reminders for yourself to get her flowers on a regular basis... something like that. (I have a little computer program that pops up reminders of our anniversary and stuff too ;)



siuan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2007
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,270

15 Oct 2007, 6:43 pm

Hey, at least you have an excuse. How about all the other guys who do those things and are NT? :lol:

Joking aside, I think there just needs to be a mutual understanding. NTs are probably always going to seem a bit needy or demanding to people with AS, and people with AS are probably always going to seem a bit detached, uncaring or unemotional. They key word here is SEEM. It doesn't mean NTs are needy, or that people with AS don't care, communication is just parallel...for lack of a better way of putting it.

If you do want to appear more spontanous with surprise flowers, pick a day your wife is having a rough day. Write a note to yourself to pick up flowers, or a card that says she is special. I guarantee you'll put instant sunshine into her day. I like Saqqara's idea of the computer popups, that's pretty cool.


_________________
They tell me I think too much. I tell them they don't think enough.


Maxx
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 244
Location: Syracuse, NY

15 Oct 2007, 7:03 pm

Yeah I can see myself having this problem. For me, I guess the issue would be for example saying "I love you." From my viewpoint, she knows! She doesn't need me to say it over and over. Same thing with complimenting her over and over. I mean, she must know what I think, right?

But I guess it's all about putting forth the effort to make those compliments. Also try to consistantly find new ways to compliment her I suppose.

Assuming relationships are as simple as I seem to be making them :roll:



geek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 723
Location: Elsewhere

15 Oct 2007, 7:13 pm

Maxx wrote:
Yeah I can see myself having this problem. For me, I guess the issue would be for example saying "I love you." From my viewpoint, she knows! She doesn't need me to say it over and over. Same thing with complimenting her over and over. I mean, she must know what I think, right?


Well, no. She knows that you thought it some time ago, but if she stops hearing it, she may think that your feelings for her aren't what they used to be. Statistics show us that most couples don't feel the same after 2+ years, so that is not some sort of unreasonable paranoia on her part.

I think that feeling wanted and appreciated is maybe THE most important thing in a relationship. Whatever it takes for you to establish it as a good habit, I'd encourage you to express some sort of appreciation every day. Most aspies like routines, and an endless honeymoon is a very good routine to get into.



alex
Administrator
Administrator

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2004
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,159
Location: Beverly Hills, CA

15 Oct 2007, 7:23 pm

jread wrote:
I'm married to a wonderful NT girl who I am quite happy with, but she is not always very happy with me. She doesn't understand why I don't think to compliment her, or tell her what she means to me, or bring her flowers, etc. I can't make her understand that I DO appreciate her but that I never think of doing things like that and that I have trouble showing my emotions. I think that her issues with me are valid and that she does deserve to feel special and appreciated, but I honestly have no clue how to do this. I don't know how to remind myself to compliment her ever now and then or surprise her with flowers here and there. These things make her very happy and it's really not much to ask of me to do them... I just don't know how to make myself think that way.

Any tips or advice? How do you do it?


What's so hard about buying her flowers once in a while? And what does not buying flowers have to do with Asperger's?


_________________
Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/alexplank

Personal FB: http://fb.me/alexplank1


Maxx
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 244
Location: Syracuse, NY

15 Oct 2007, 7:25 pm

I apologize if the 1st part of my post seemed to look like the advice I was trying to give you. I was merely expressing my viewpoint from my usual logical perspective. I fully agree with geek.



Icarus_Falling
everyman antihero
everyman antihero

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,215
Location: beyond human comprehension

16 Oct 2007, 6:43 pm

This is an interesting question. I was married to a very sweet NT girl for 15 years... And I tried, I really did, to make and keep her happy. And whatever the secret is, it has always eluded me.

I think part of our particular problem was that things that make me happy are often the opposite of what would make her happy. Things like a large Thanksgiving dinner with family; she loved that sort of thing, while I found such events seriously painful. Or me not liking to go out to eat at restaurants, or heaven for bid go to the movies. Or video games; I loved them, she had no interest.

And, yea, I could toss things her way to give her bits of happiness; flowers or what not... But these effects of these were always fleeting, such that keeping her happy and making her feel loved became a constant battle. In the end, I just resigned myself to providing for all of her needs and taking care of her; but that was not happiness, for either of us.

Unspoken assumptions also seemed to be opposite. If I say "I love you" today, and I don't say it tomorrow, what does that mean? That I still love you? Or that I no longer do? My assumptions would tend towards the former, while hers more towards the latter. In truth I became very frustrated with the whole thing. The phrase "I love you" ultimately became little more than an automatic response attached to nothing, like saying "Hello" when you pick up the phone, and you don't even know who you're speaking to yet.

For those who are able to make that sort of relationship work, and keep working, you have discovered something more than I ever could...


_________________
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which side I'm on.


aspiedancer
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: England, for now!!!!!!!

17 Oct 2007, 2:03 pm

It sad but I can 'pretend' to be 'normal' in a relationship.

Shes your wife and shes with you because she loves you,so she isnt going 2 dump you sudden-like if you tell her how hard it is to say that stuff.


go buy her some flowers!



MysteryFan3
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2007
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,156
Location: Indiana

17 Oct 2007, 6:39 pm

jread wrote:
I'm married to a wonderful NT girl who I am quite happy with, but she is not always very happy with me. She doesn't understand why I don't think to compliment her, or tell her what she means to me, or bring her flowers, etc. I can't make her understand that I DO appreciate her but that I never think of doing things like that and that I have trouble showing my emotions. I think that her issues with me are valid and that she does deserve to feel special and appreciated, but I honestly have no clue how to do this. I don't know how to remind myself to compliment her ever now and then or surprise her with flowers here and there. These things make her very happy and it's really not much to ask of me to do them... I just don't know how to make myself think that way.

Any tips or advice? How do you do it?


Talk straight, be honest and put notes for yourself where they'll get in your way to buy some flowers and tell her you love her. Don't show her the notes. Watch America's Top Model and tell her how she'd win the whole thing the first night. She won't believe it, but she'll like hearing it from you. It'll get to be part of your thinking in no time.


_________________
To eliminate poverty, you have to eliminate at least three things: time, the bell curve and the Pauli Exclusion Principle. Have fun.


calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

17 Oct 2007, 8:44 pm

aspiedancer wrote:

Shes your wife and shes with you because she loves you,so she isnt going 2 dump you sudden-like if you tell her how hard it is to say that stuff.


go buy her some flowers!


Actually, I'd rather have hoped everything
like this would be settled BEFORE one gets
married. :?



jfberge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2007
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 506
Location: Cell block B, #9

18 Oct 2007, 9:38 am

alex wrote:
What's so hard about buying her flowers once in a while? And what does not buying flowers have to do with Asperger's?


It's not hard, but it's hard to do in a genuine way. A lot of traditional displays of affection seem contrived and empty to me, so doing them feels shallow, and an empty gesture. Also, it's hard to be spontaneous. If your wife says she'd like flowers, and then you buy her some the next day, or day after, it's seen as formulaic. Romantic gestures in general are hard, because they require an accompanying emotional "sell," that I can't deliver. If you do it without the sell, it only draws attention to the fact that what was supposed to be an expression of love wasn't genuine, and that's sad. It's a mini test where failure is a big deal.

I can embrace and caress and smile to show my affection, but I can't easily channel that into a different format.



calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

18 Oct 2007, 11:12 am

Set a random chance that you'll
buy her flowers, and roll dice for
it every day. :P



Sedaka
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,597
Location: In the recesses of my mind

18 Oct 2007, 1:06 pm

i get so obsessive over ppl (my guy) that it's kinda offending when they don't think of you in such ways.


_________________
Neuroscience PhD student

got free science papers?

www.pubmed.gov
www.sciencedirect.com
http://highwire.stanford.edu/lists/freeart.dtl