Can shyness/quietness ever be attractive to females?

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NightsideEclipse
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30 Dec 2007, 9:02 pm

I keep reading posts here about how guys need to be loud, cocky, boistrous, and constantly making jokes. However, aren't there girls out there who would like a quieter guy? I feel like many posts here seem to assume that all females want the same type of guy, which I find absurd. There is as much variation in what women want in men as in the reverse, isn't there? Also, I thought that people liked other people who carry a bit of themselves. Therefore, wouldn't a quiet and introspective lady want a man with those same characteristics? I am defintely a bit subdued in my noise level and I would ideally want a quiet girl myself.

I feel like this leads to a greater question: How much different is that which a female wants in male from that which a male wants in a female? Don't we all want mates who are simultaneously good-looking, sharing in our interests, relateable, affectionate, trustworthy, kind, and fun, indepedent of whether we are males, females, or hermaphrodites?



Last edited by NightsideEclipse on 30 Dec 2007, 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kitschinator
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30 Dec 2007, 9:17 pm

Preferences are called preferences because everyone wants different things - men AND women.

I for one like shy, quiet, introverted guys. But shy doesn't necessarily mean that they never talk. I appreciate someone that will have great conversations with me and actually tell me his opinions and views on things. Showing emotion and committed to actually wanting a relationship is something shy people are more likely to want, too. That's hard to find in an "alpha male" type of guy. Introverted men seem to be more sensitive and loving.

Although I'm very introverted and quiet, I am also rather independent and assertive and don't feel the need to have a guy lead me in conversation, lead me around town, or protect me. In a relationship, I would either prefer to wear the pants, or we both wear the pants. (Or shorts, or kilts, whatever). I usually don't get along with cocky, loud types because I find them to be obnoxious.

I wouldn't consider myself an alpha female though either....there is a difference between obnoxious and aggressive and just being confident and assertive. Being a confident man is attractive, but all those self-help seminars on dating that tell men to be aggressive jerks are just stupid. The only women those will help you with are skanky NT women in bars. Of course, if you're looking for a relationship measured in hours, there might be something to that.

Anyway, keep looking, we're out there. The problem with trying to meet shy people of either gender is that they are all hiding at home and not in public places.



Last edited by kitschinator on 05 Jan 2008, 10:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

PowerGirl
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30 Dec 2007, 9:23 pm

I'm actually quite fond of quiet guys, being a quiet person myself. In fact, all the guys I've ever dated ARE on the quietside! But I hate it when I'm the one doing all the talking, because it makes me nervous, like I talk too much or something. I also don't mind shyness, being a shy person myself. I think its pretty cute, as if I'm trying to unlock his heart from a protective cover of shyness, causing him to feel less shy around me.
I'd say keep trying, look in libraries and other quiet places. -Power Girl



Dracula
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30 Dec 2007, 9:38 pm

Quietness: Yes/No - depends entirely on how you push the 'mystique' factor. There are good sorts of quiet, and there are bad sorts of quiet. 8)

Shyness: No. Shyness is the ultimate display of no confidence. It's telling the woman that you don't trust your own abilities in a social situation, and are uncomfortable around people. If you ever want a woman, avoid this like the plague.

Women find the exact same type of man attractive, whether they want to admit that or not. It has nothing to do with the woman's upbringing, personality, or whatever. :)



Last edited by Dracula on 30 Dec 2007, 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Roaxs
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30 Dec 2007, 9:42 pm

well i am a shy and quite lad, i dont get mutch look at by girls i always thought its coz the way i look or its becoz i aint to confident like my mates keep telling me girls like confidence but how does a lad suddenly get it lol. I have been single for years and i think i will always will be lol its stupid but my own thoughts put me down. my friends keep saying u will get someone evantually but i dont think i will. :)



gwenevyn
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30 Dec 2007, 10:14 pm

What kitschinator and PowerGirl said!

I've always felt uncomfortable with men who are widely recognized as outgoing and charismatic "alpha" types. I perceive their demeanor as bravado and therefore less than genuine. Granted, there are shy men who also maintain that kind of facade but I think that most do not. I prefer to be with a guy who struggles with the same things I find challenging, because we each have a good sense of the other's needs. My boyfriend is a very introspective person. He is absolutely brilliant but he puts on no airs about it. It is beautiful to be his confidant.

And Dracula, I love shyness. I think there's a difference between being shy and being a wimp.

(edited to clarify to which posts I referred)


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Last edited by gwenevyn on 30 Dec 2007, 10:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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30 Dec 2007, 10:15 pm

gwenevyn wrote:
^^^

What they said!

I've always felt uncomfortable with men who are widely recognized as outgoing and charismatic "alpha" types. I perceive their demeanor as bravado and therefore less than genuine. Granted, there are shy men who also maintain that kind of facade but I think that most do not. I prefer to be with a guy who struggles with the same things I find challenging, because we each have a good sense of the other's needs.


Me too.


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NightsideEclipse
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30 Dec 2007, 10:36 pm

Dracula wrote:
Quietness: Yes/No - depends entirely on how you push the 'mystique' factor. There are good sorts of quiet, and there are bad sorts of quiet. 8)

Shyness: No. Shyness is the ultimate display of no confidence. It's telling the woman that you don't trust your own abilities in a social situation, and are uncomfortable around people. If you ever want a woman, avoid this like the plague.


I suppose we have different definitions of shyness. It seems you have the dictionary definition of shyness in mind (that is, "a feeling of fear of embarrassment"), while the definition I had in mind was basically that of a non-pejorative antonym for extroversion, outgoingness, and gregariousness. Basically, the kind of guy who would not necessarily be the life of the party, but would offer very profound, thoughtful, and candid prolongued dialogues.

Quote:
Women find the exact (italics mine) same type of man attractive, whether they want to admit that or not. It has nothing to do with the woman's upbringing, personality, or whatever. :)


Is this some sort of test to see how well we aspies are able to perceive sarcasm? :)



Dracula
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30 Dec 2007, 11:00 pm

NightsideEclipse wrote:
I suppose we have different definitions of shyness. It seems you have the dictionary definition of shyness in mind (that is, "a feeling of fear of embarrassment"), while the definition I had in mind was basically that of a non-pejorative antonym for extroversion, outgoingness, and gregariousness. Basically, the kind of guy who would not necessarily be the life of the party, but would offer very profound, thoughtful, and candid prolongued dialogues.


So you're referring to the more reserved, mystical guy. See, and that's okay for an Alpha Male. But I'd never refer to that as "shy"... I'd refer to it as someone who has a heightened sense of mystique. These tend to be the older males in a pack, since they've had so many experiences and still retain that distinguishable hint of a youthful spark. :wink:

Quote:
Is this some sort of test to see how well we aspies are able to perceive sarcasm? :)


Not this time, but I do like my share of one-sided jokes. :D

I think you'll discover that attraction in a female is a primordial brain response. There's great reasons for a woman searching around for the most powerful, confident, and influencial of men.

This is one of many reasons:

Now... god forbid we go watch a live birth... but need I remind the Aspies here that it's the women whom have to carry a child for nine months, give birth to it, nurture it, etc. While the woman is occupied..... who the hell is best to protect her? ... the weak man, or the Alpha Male? The A.M. of course.

When you approach it from that standpoint, then you'll see that nature has a lot of common sense! Instead of making attraction a conscious choice, it's made into an automatic reaction. I know that some claim to not like extroverted men... but I believe those women don't really know what they like. They might see their lower-ranking spouse as a good friend, and mistake that for a sufficient male companion/lover. :wink:



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30 Dec 2007, 11:11 pm

When other people say that guys need to be how you described, that's for the typical female since females want a confident man who's in charge and those traits are related. Of course, this is not true for all females



ToadOfSteel
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30 Dec 2007, 11:22 pm

Under normal circumstances, I would say I am a shy person. I don't talk to people unless spoken to first in public (although I will acknowledge that a person is there).

The only thing that really causes me to emerge is if people don't leave me alone. I don't take kindly to being pushed, and I push back very easily. If someone wanted to engage in a serious discussion about some particular topic, I wouldn't mind. It's just the small talk that gets to me...



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30 Dec 2007, 11:23 pm

I think its just a nasty and complicated world in general. I'd imagine its ok to be shy/passive but most of the time it seems like for women if you're going to be shy and quiet, you need to be the full deal - conservative style, conservative dress, pretty much either Toby McGwire or something of the like. Its not always like that, just that when you are semi-shy and especially a lot of guys I've known who were kind of shy and tried to gloss it over with the thug or macho bit in small doses, came in last because they were shy guys with none of the benefits (or at least thats how it apparently got perceived).



gwenevyn
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30 Dec 2007, 11:28 pm

Dracula wrote:

So you're referring to the more reserved, mystical guy. See, and that's okay for an Alpha Male. But I'd never refer to that as "shy"... I'd refer to it as someone who has a heightened sense of mystique. These tend to be the older males in a pack, since they've had so many experiences and still retain that distinguishable hint of a youthful spark. :wink:


I'm definitely not referring to mystique. I know exactly what you mean by that and I've been drawn in by it before and found that there's nothing I want underneath the mystique.

Quote:
Now... god forbid we go watch a live birth... but need I remind the Aspies here that it's the women whom have to carry a child for nine months, give birth to it, nurture it, etc. While the woman is occupied..... who the hell is best to protect her? ... the weak man, or the Alpha Male? The A.M. of course.


I do want protection. But I don't think the alpha male (outgoing, super athletic, homecoming king) is best at it. I think the alpha male is most likely to turn against his own family due to excess aggression or inflated sense of ego ... or to be unfaithful.

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When you approach it from that standpoint, then you'll see that nature has a lot of common sense!


Except that we're not cavemen anymore. My preferences have practical benefits as well.

Quote:
Instead of making attraction a conscious choice, it's made into an automatic reaction. I know that some claim to not like extroverted men... but I believe those women don't really know what they like. They might see their lower-ranking spouse as a good friend, and mistake that for a sufficient male companion/lover. :wink:


:roll: So basically our testimony doesn't count and yours does, even though we're inside our own heads and you're not?

Extroverted men cause an instantaneous "DON'T LIKE" reaction in me, on a gut, instinctual level. My dating experiences have supported my intuition. It's not something that I've reasoned out or settled for. I've been exceedingly picky about who I will date and I've rejected many men that, according to your view, I ought to have preferred. According to my view, I'm settling for nothing less than the best of the best.

So yeah, I want to be protected and inspired and I want to be with someone who is totally awesome. But I think an introvert can do all that and meet my personal needs far better than any extrovert could.


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gwenevyn
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30 Dec 2007, 11:35 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
I think its just a nasty and complicated world in general. I'd imagine its ok to be shy/passive but most of the time it seems like for women if you're going to be shy and quiet, you need to be the full deal - conservative style, conservative dress, pretty much either Toby McGwire or something of the like. Its not always like that, just that when you are semi-shy and especially a lot of guys I've known who were kind of shy and tried to gloss it over with the thug or macho bit in small doses, came in last because they were shy guys with none of the benefits (or at least thats how it apparently got perceived).


Personally, I love a mixture of "kind of shy" and "kind of edgy". I mean, sure, Peter Parker was all respectable and clean cut, but he was still Spiderman sometimes--daring and brave and all that. The whole conservative cookie-cutter thing is boring to me. But yeah, the "edge" I'm talking about is definitely not macho or thug.


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Mademoiselle_Cafeine
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31 Dec 2007, 12:00 am

I'm not sure about other girls, I can only speak for myself and I find shyness an attractive feature. I'm mostly interested in shy, nerdy and quiet guys and they seem to be very uncommon these days. Those loud, outgoing guys are all around and, honestly, I wouldn't feel attracted to any of them. People think I'm grumpy, but that's just because I'm much too introspective to get along with everyone. I'd like to meet someone like me, eventually, but it's seems more likely for me to end up an old frigid lady with 15 cats and no one to love.



Dracula
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31 Dec 2007, 12:43 am

gwenevyn wrote:
I'm definitely not referring to mystique. I know exactly what you mean by that and I've been drawn in by it before and found that there's nothing I want underneath the mystique.


That's weird. Maybe someday you'll find a guy with something ... beneficial... underneath.

Quote:
I do want protection. But I don't think the alpha male (outgoing, super athletic, homecoming king) is best at it. I think the alpha male is most likely to turn against his own family due to excess aggression or inflated sense of ego ... or to be unfaithful.


I'm also going to note that there's men who have sex, move onto the next woman, have sex, move onto the next woman... whom were never fit to raise a family, yet are fit to be leaders in general. Those males who stick around to take care of you and the offspring have to meet those same qualities of attractiveness, though. Those that mortally hurt the woman or offspring are instable... and confidence is about exuding trustworthiness, in that the woman feels dominated and submissive, yet not a target for genuine infliction of hurt. Thus I find wife beaters (those that excessively beat the s**t out of their wives at least 8) ), are those who have little, if any real confidence.

Quote:
Except that we're not cavemen anymore. My preferences have practical benefits as well.


Just because we've evolved doesn't mean we're completely removed from the tree! :wink: Needless to say not everyone has evolved... check out some people's wardrobes if you know what I mean. :?

Quote:
:roll: So basically our testimony doesn't count and yours does, even though we're inside our own heads and you're not?


Well... my account holds validity. Yours is humorous, though, because it's so damned delusional.

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Extroverted men cause an instantaneous "DON'T LIKE" reaction in me, on a gut, instinctual level. My dating experiences have supported my intuition. It's not something that I've reasoned out or settled for. I've been exceedingly picky about who I will date and I've rejected many men that, according to your view, I ought to have preferred. According to my view, I'm settling for nothing less than the best of the best.


You claim Spidey to be your best of the best. :roll:

gwenevyn, I imagine you've had your heart ripped out, stomped on, torn to irrepairable pieces. Your gut feeling is because of that. And that has nothing to do with what you're attracted to.

Quote:
So yeah, I want to be protected and inspired and I want to be with someone who is totally awesome. But I think an introvert can do all that and meet my personal needs far better than any extrovert could.


Of course that's what you would think, because to think otherwise, you'd feel a lack of self-respect. But that isn't necessarily the case.

If you go ahead and admit to everyone here on WP that I am correct, then it might make you feel better. But that means we'd have to stop our discussion... hmm.