Why do people assume you're not over something?

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20 Feb 2008, 3:40 pm

Every time I bring something bad up in the past, people always seem to assume I am not over it because they say "Don't worry about it" "I wouldn't worry what people think" "I wouldn't let it bother me" etc.

With my mother she makes those false assumptions too such as when I asked her if she knew I have always been literal, then why did she tell me to 'stop that teasing' when I was eleven when she wanted me to stop teasing and she got mad at me because she started yelling at me and saying get over it as if she thinks I am still upset about it when I'm not. I only wanted to understand why she had that strange thought because it didn't make any sense. She also gets mad about other things too when I ask curious questions about my past so I don't even bother asking anymore, now I rarely do.



richardbenson
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20 Feb 2008, 3:42 pm

because you are a superhero from pluto and your superpower is asking questions?

most of us are from earths


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Last edited by richardbenson on 20 Feb 2008, 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

20 Feb 2008, 3:43 pm

richardbenson wrote:
because you are from pluto and your superpower is asking questions?



I know you're not serious.



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20 Feb 2008, 3:45 pm

i am very serious!


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AndersTheAspie
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20 Feb 2008, 4:02 pm

They assume that you are not over it bacause you remember it and are asking about it!
For some reason NTs seem to think that when you are over something all desire to talk about this thing goes away, and that you never think about it.
Why they think this though is anyones guess, they don't even seem to know themselves.
In your mothers case she thought you were blaming her, and it is hard to justify something that happened so long ago, so she got defensive. The best defence is a good offence and all that nonsens.

I wouldn't worry about it though :wink: (See what I did there?)


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TLPG
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20 Feb 2008, 4:36 pm

Spokane GIrl, you are seeking knowledge. You NEVER "get over" that, and it shouldn't be treated a a problem. It's not. Pursuing knowledge is a good thing - and anyone who denies you that knowledge needs a good swift kick in the rear end. Particularly your own family for crying out loud! That's not on!



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20 Feb 2008, 4:59 pm

If you explained first that you want information so that you can understand social situations, do you think that she would be able to calm down and answer your questions?


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I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex


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20 Feb 2008, 5:06 pm

Wow, that is something that struck a lot of clarity in me. Thanks for posting that, as I am still in the stages of discovering if I have AS or not.

I always do what you just said, and my wife thinks that I'm not over it, and because i'm trying to be normal or have no idea why I do things I thought I did it because I wasn't over it, even though I felt emotionally like I was.

An example for me would be when i've screwed up again without knowing it and I'm trying to tell me wife that I didn't mean to, that I meant the best.
She would call me a selfish arsehole, and that by me suggesting I meant the best is even more selfish because i'm not recognising what she's upset about and i'm making it even worse by suggesting that it was a good thing I did.
I would say that when things are good, she says i'm the nicest and most self-less guy she's ever met, but every time we fight i'm a selfish guy, why does she do that? etc

Then she would accuse me of throwing old arguments in her face.

But what i'm realising is that I eventually end up assuming all responsibility for screwing up, and I try and fix things, and learn and make things better, but because of the way I am (I am now learning), I can't help some of the things I do, but because I didn't know that, I would use the past to try and rationalise why it might be happening in the future, and because it still didn't make sense (because I couldn't help it and I didn't know that I couldn't), I would ask why?

I hope that wasn't too confusing, but thankyou!

I think its our natural way of using the past to rationalise the world around us. We are very retro-active people emotionally and analytically (I feel), and when something doesn't make sense we ask: If you said this, why did you do that?

They are confronted about it, probably don't remember why and don't really want to think about it, and also feel slightly hurt that you are bringing up the past, when things might be OK now. If that makes sense.



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20 Feb 2008, 5:15 pm

I think many NT's remember at an emotional level - hence the lashing out.

Somehow you have to educate the NT"s that you are not wanting to rehash old wrongs and that you are trying to learn and understand and grow.

I operate at an emotional level. But I have learnt to be still and to listen carefully and understand. I think that you can educate the NT's close to you to do the same, though it may take some time.

Robyn


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20 Feb 2008, 6:46 pm

nannarob wrote:
I think many NT's remember at an emotional level - hence the lashing out.

Somehow you have to educate the NT"s that you are not wanting to rehash old wrongs and that you are trying to learn and understand and grow.

I operate at an emotional level. But I have learnt to be still and to listen carefully and understand. I think that you can educate the NT's close to you to do the same, though it may take some time.

Robyn


Yeah that's certainly seems to ring true. Aspies tend to be more emotionally removed and analytical.

Spokanegirl: Maybe you could just let them know that you don't have any emotional baggage you just want to learn from what happened? Have you tried being really firm with her? I think I'd say something like 'Look I just want to make absolutely clear that you understand that I don't have a problem, honestly, it doesn't bother me at all on an emotional level I am just really curious as to why?'



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20 Feb 2008, 7:17 pm

It's possible she's the one not over some things in the past and doesn't want them dredged up. it just gets spun around on you because you're bringing it up.



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20 Feb 2008, 9:34 pm

Yes, that happens to me too. When I mention something that people consider "negative" or "unpleasant", I get a reaction that seems to rest on the assumption that there was some emotional motivation behind what I said. That I am trying to express that I am not over it and ask for reassurance. I always have to say, "I told that story because I think it's interesting. I don't need reassurance or anything like that."

I guess that NTs usually have emotional motivations for everything they say? Every statement is meant to convey some kind of emotion?



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21 Feb 2008, 1:21 am

that happens to me as well, they seem to think that cos we can remember stuff in so much detail.



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21 Feb 2008, 1:32 am

Maybe saying "get over it" means they really have no intrest in discussing it for WHATEVER reason.



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21 Feb 2008, 1:36 am

i think it's because everything is supposed to mean something.
if you talk about something, there has to be a reason. not being over it seems to be a popular one when bringing up something the other person doesn't like.
i also wonder if the lack of facial expression that i can have also helps them draw this conclusion.


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