How do you deal with family when they are just unreasonable?

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Every time we get together with certain family, we hear afterwards all of the things my kids do that "their children" never did. Like putting their feet on the sofa. I always tell them to take their shoes off, but really? Nobody puts their feet on the furniture? Because I do. As long as they have no shoes, I don't see the big deal. And 2 of my kids are fidgety with sensory issues. I don't think it's realistic asking them to sit with their feet on the floor at all times. Family just doesn't get it at all.

It's not just that, it's everything. It's like they can't do anything right. They're too hyper, they don't listen, they eat too much. It's getting to the point that I don't want to go over there. I've tried talking to them, explaining why they act differently sometimes, and it's like they think that good old fashioned discipline will take care of it all.

A lot of what they are seeing as behavior problems could be avoided by letting the kids run around outside instead of putting on girl movies, like high school musical. Instead they insist that (on Easter!) the kids are too sugared up.

Anyone else have this problem?

Yeah, everybody likes to put their feet up. That's nothing to do with ASD or sensory issues at all. And all kids like and should be encouraged to run around and have fun. It's good for them. It sounds like your family are just too uptight and out-of-touch.

But I guess that's the trouble with family. Most people feel like they know the right way to live, and family thinks they're entitled to make sure that's how you do it.

Yeah, we've got several snobbish relatives. It seems they only come by or let us come by so they can show us how much better they are. I just don't talk to them anymore. We only talk with the relatives who aren't stuck ups, though most of them are dead now.

How do your kids feel about it? Is it obvious to them that the rules are different? Or is this just a case of "it doesn't matter how the kids act, they'll find a way to complain about it."

With the later, you just have to tune it out. Or stop being relatives They're the type of people who think they've got everything figured out better and there is about zero you can do to change that. My SIL is like that. She shares her philosophies, I nod, maybe say, "that's interesting," but I don't engage and I don't follow. Unless I want to. The dinners are kind of funny with her kids following her rules and our kids following ours. Nobody talks about it anymore; it's just recognized that our two families do things differently. I respect hers and she ... I THINK she has decided it's OK for us, but it would never do for her own kids. I am VERY careful to follow her rules with her daughter when I take her daughter places, and my SIL knows that, which I think helps the relationship.

Otherwise ...

All kids can learn and absorb that different homes have different rules. Once a year the single older woman accross the street has a little party and its dreadfully boring for the kids but they go and put on a good show and hope that she doesn't hold the party ever again. She has expensive furniture, fine china, the whole nine yards, lol. But she adores my kids and loves to see them and gathers special treats for them. We also know not to push past the kid's limits, and our appearance is never more than an hour.

I'm glad our local family gatherings (no SIL) don't put that much pressure on them. My mom thinks the kids could be a bit better behaved but they are so comfortable at her home that they feel free to be themselves and, well, isn't that a good thing? My mom also has seen them pull it together for special occassions, and my son was so amazing at my dad's funeral that all her friends think she has the grandchild from heaven, so it all balances out in the end.

I do think they know that they have different rules, and when they remember, they do follow them. But since we go to their house so infrequently, maybe a few times a year, the kids forget the "new rules". They are just very old fashioned in some ways. And I am very laid back on some things. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum, with what we expect from kids.

For example, I saw that my son was wound up when we got there, (and he has ADHD) so I suggested to him, "why don't you go outside and run around for a few minutes" and he was in the middle of saying "okay" when MIL said, "NO outside! we're staying in!" It had rained a few days prior and she said it was flooded out there. Ummm, the ground was moist. I get that people don't like mud in their houses, so I said, "Ok, so just stay in the driveway" and again, she said, "No, they won't stay on the driveway". Sooo, he was really wound up with no outlet because the only activity for the kids was to watch a movie.

Add in a comment or two about "the belt" coming out, and all bets were off. It seems like no matter what we do, it's not what they would have done, and therefore wrong. They also seem to think that because they are wound up and misbehave in that type of situation, that that's how they are with us all the time. It makes me dread those family dinners.

ugh, they would drive me NUTS!

I guess you get to have a nice, long chat before EACH visit about the different rules and hope for the best ... and maybe simply say, "I am going for a walk with my son. My husband will watch the rest of our children for while" when necessary.

How does your husband feel about it all?

One Christmas my Brother In Law and his Wife gave us a book as a gift. It was called The Seven Secrets of Successful Parenting. I haven't spoken to them since

Well, he feels the same way, but he won't stand up to them. It seems like the answer is to cut contact to a minimum. I mean, it already is, but the family gatherings with the other grandkids are always rough. They are all girls and well behaved. I mean, they have their fair share of running around, but I'm sure it's only because of my kids' influence that they do this.

I'd be mad too! It's just that simple... 7 secrets. We must be idiots.

More likely they've just learned to misbehave when adults aren't looking.

Could be...

oh my......family makes me crazy......i agree with the others about reminding your kids EACH time you go about their rules........As far as going outside goes, I'd go outside with my kids to keep them occupied. .......i'd also limit the amount of times i had to deal with that craziness.