1. Create a concrete plan you share with you child and set expectations before going on the vacation – If we know exactly what’s going on and can see a schedule beforehand it feels much less overwhelming to tackle new places and new experiences.

2. Make sure you’re staying in a place with enough space – when I was a kid, if we stayed in a place with plenty of space, my parents had no issues. For example, every year my parents would take us to Pawleys Island, SC. Generally that trip was fine because my parents rented a big enough house and I had my own space, which is something a lot of us on the spectrum need. One year, we moved to a much nicer but much smaller house. I had to share a bedroom with my brother and the house was very compact so we felt packed in and I had a lot of difficulties. Even though the house was nicer, renting the bigger, albeit more shabby, beach house was much better for our family.

3. Plan your vacation during the destination’s off-season and go to a place that’s less crowded in general  Autistic people can get overwhelmed in large crowds or places that have a lot of people. And when you go to tourist destinations, that can be even more overwhelming if it’s during a busy season.

4. Plan a lot of physical activities  Things that involve bike riding, walking, swimming, or even outdoor activities like the zoo, are good for helping to get rid of that excess nervous energy that can build up .

5. Doing more shorter vacations like day or weekend trips can be easier than going on a single longer vacation If a week long vacation is too much, try doing a few 3, 2 or 1 day trips. If your child hates the trip, you can leave without worrying about the fact that you paid for a whole week.

6. Since activities can be overwhelming, limit them in time and scope and plan them so that they work for your child - 

As an example, for a trip to a museum, create a plan of things to see and do and share it with your child before going in. Whatever you do, don’t just walk around looking at things. People, especially kids, on the spectrum don’t like uncertainty.

Also, call ahead and ask what the least busy time is – sometimes google has a graph that shows how many people are at a specific attraction for each hour of the day.

Also, plan mini tours that involve activities related to what you’re doing (like a scavenger hunt). Often times, places like a museum will offer guides for children.  Don’t be pedantic, the experience of new places and experiences should be enough. You don’t need to teach them everything about everything you see and don’t try too hard to make sure they’re learning. Children will remember activities related to what they saw, not  what was written on a plaque you made them read.  Be more hands off and your child’s curiosity will do the rest.

Plan an escape if it’s a new overwhelming experience. One time we went to a haunted house. My sister who is also on the spectrum was insistent upon going in so my mom talked with the people running it and they came up with an egress plan for her to go to a guide to take her out if she got overwhelmed and needed to leave.

7. Always have a plan of where your next meal is coming from – either bring your food or plan to eat at a specific place you research that is fun and not overwhelming from a sensory perspective

Plan rest times – While it can seem like it’d be better to make use of all the time you have and do as much as possible, if you do less things and have built-in breaks, the things you do will be much more rewarding and memorable. You don’t need to see the whole city or even the whole museum. A lot of parents

8. Be aware of your child’s needs and prioritize those over your own- If your kid likes rocket ships, go to the air and space museum. Even if you think you’d enjoy an art gallery more, you won’t if your kid is having a melt down the whole time. You can still go to the art gallery if you make it fun, but sometimes the path of least resistance is best.

9 Prepare staff in advance - Tell them you have a kid on the spectrum and explain that a meltdown is possible. That way, if a meltdown does happen they will be more patient and accommodating and you won’t get as many people judging you.

10. If you have multiple kids on the spectrum, consider one parent taking them each separately on different vacations based on their needs and interests. Or if you’re doing activities on the same trip, maybe split off so each child can do something that will work for them.

The post Planning a family vacation with Autism – 10 tips for success appeared first on Wrong Planet.

In the second installment of Autism Talk TV’s social skills series filmed at the UCLA PEERS center, Alex learns how to approach a group, find something common to talk about, and be accepted into a group. Hopefully this will show you guys how social skills are actually very easy once you know the language.

Making friends can seem hard but these tips will help you succeed. There are a lot of variations in body language that you can easily learn in order to join conversations. Dr. Liz Laugeson, the director of PEERS, walks Alex through these various topics in an easy to follow step-by-step tutorial.

Enjoy!

The post Autism Talk TV 23 – How to Join a Social Circle & Make Friends in a Group appeared first on Wrong Planet.

I sat down with Liz Laugeson of UCLA’s PEERS program to talk about how to make friends. Making friends can be hard for individuals with Autism / Asperger’s because we have a hard time figuring out social cues.

A lot of the social skills training I’ve run across focus on concrete skills like introducing yourself. These skills are great in theory but autistics like myself often struggle with figuring out what actually works in practice. The PEERS program, however, seems to be based in real life application of social skills.

I’m sure you’re going to enjoy my interview with Liz!

The post Making Friends and Influencing NTs. . . An interview with Liz Laugeson appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–AlienGirl

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I’ve been told by exs that I’m not capable of having a relationship and I think they’re right. I don’t know if I can love – I don’t love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you’re supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it’s just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”

–AlienGirl

I want to discuss a myth that may or may not be influencing you.

Among aspies, there’s a myth that goes something like this: “NTs (Neurologically Typicals) socialize because they gain glorious, heartfelt relationships that fulfill them and bring them warmth and joy.” Well, go say that to an NT. You’ll get roars of laughter. They’ll tell you in a twink that statement is nosense.

So why do NTs indulge in so much mingling and sparkling, chatting and joking?

The important point to understand is that socialization is by and large a game for NTs. You’re an aspie, so you’re likely unaware of it, but when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you’re actually stepping onto a gigantic chessboard. On this board, NTs are competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think up.

Now, you probably find this incredible. “Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?” Well, most NTs love the game of socialization. Not only that, they assume everyone else does, too, so they don’t think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. Moreover, they are so deep into the game that few are aware of it. But really, it fuels their interest in attending gatherings. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.

Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it’s neither genuine nor lasting. Please … don’t think I’m saying NTs are a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (well some are, but that’s another rant…). NT genes hardwire the behavior in, and they assume you play the game of socialization at parties, and that’s all.

Now, we aspies don’t see our way in this game clearly, if at all. That’s why aspies can’t stand parties, and why the myth arises. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and we put ourselves in their positions: “Boy, if I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I’d feel great. I’d feel sincere and connected.” Then we assume that NTs feel that way, too.

But wait! We don’t see the deficit. We don’t sense that social acumen brings with it a curse of constant, compulsive gamesmanship and hiding of one’s true identity. NTs at a party compare well to gambling addicts: they can’t stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. Ever wonder why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, “I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie”? Well, the game is playing them, and at that point, it’s no longer fun.

Now, to tackle your problem: can aspies have real friendships and relationships? Yes, they can. But you’re not going to find them in the usual places. Friendships need a basis. If you go to parties and sit around the keg trying to base your friendships or loves on playing the socialization game, you will almost certainly be smashed and ignored.

Thank goodness, there are alternatives. Certain activities minimize the amount of competition within the group in favor of competing against another group or achieving some common goal. Sports are a good example. Or if you’re not athletic, bird watching clubs, chess clubs, church food drives, dancing lessons, collecting clubs … and the list goes on. The important point: these activities place you on the same team as the people you’re sharing space with, not in social competition with them. And in these activities, you’re much more likely to run into some bloke who’s looking for someone just like you.

Now, based on what we’ve gone over here, I would like you to consider that your previous relationship failures and friendship mishaps may have sprung—at least in part—from getting involved in a game you were not equipped to play. Those people likely demanded moves of you that you didn’t comprehend. When you didn’t respond as required, you seemed hopeless to them.

But we know you’re not hopeless. You just didn’t know which games to pick and which to say, “Um, no. Not playing that one.” And by the way, you can love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be making such an effort to find a way to relate to all these NT weirdos. Best wishes. :^)

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–anonymous

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?I?ve read your articles on small talk, but I can?t seem to make it keep going. It always seems to die out after a little while, even though I want to make it work. What am I doing wrong!??

–anonymous

I have a pretty good idea of what?s going on. It involves the finer mechanics of small talk and conversation generally.

Most people think of small talk as a tennis game. The ball goes from one person to the other, without any real weight to one phrase or another, blah, blah, blah. This analogy misleads. Really, small talk is more like a dance; and like any good dance, it has a message in its pattern. What is that message? Well, you are proving that you are a complete communicator, i.e., that you can both give and take communication. Let me explain:

When a person?call him Alan?starts up small talk, he originates communication. The other person, Beatrice, then communicates back that she received his communication, and they have completed a cycle. This is a very important: Alan proves he can originate communication, and Beatrice proves she can receive communication and acknowledge it.

Ideally, then, the cycle reverses direction. Beatrice originates her own communication, and Alan replies and shows that he has received it. At this point, they have both proved to one another that they can give and take communication.

This may sound simplistic, but it?s not. Communication is the most important thing humans do, and to function well among people, you have to be able to give directions, instructions, ideas, needs, sentiments, and to receive them, too. Communication of this sort is an exact formula. Society labels those who do too much giving or receiving of communication as a blabbermouth or an introvert. As unfair as it is, society rarely offers good opportunities to people who can?t communicate.

At gatherings, small talk functions as a way for two people to size up each other?s communication abilities. Two CEOs like Alan and Beatrice might sound like this:

Alan: (originating)
I played the course at Pebble Beach the other day.

Beatrice: (receiving)
What a nice day to do it.

Beatrice: (originating)
I went to the beach there a couple of years ago and thought it was gorgeous.

Alan: (receiving)
It?s funny: I?ve been there several times, but I?ve never left the golf course!

And the conversation will continue in this vein until the two part and begin anew with other people. We aspies would likely label this chit-chat as drivel, if we didn?t know to look for the pattern underneath the superficial exchange. The pattern is vital. Alan and Beatrice establish that they can give and take communication well. By following the pattern, they build rapport and respect for one another?s abilities.

Aspies can reap great comfort from knowing about this simple pattern. How? When some stranger asks you, ?How?s it going?? at a party, you will know what?s happening. Most aspies complain that they don?t know how to respond to such questions, but you at least know what you have to get across in your answer: ?I received your communication!? And then you know what your conversation partner expects you to do next: originate your own communication for him to receive and acknowledge.

Of course, this pattern will only hold strictly true with the very best communicators. Most NTs fall well below these standards in giving and receiving communication. They will talk compulsively about themselves from nervousness, fail to acknowledge your communications, or fail to originate communication when it is their turn. But at least you will be the one in the ?know? for a change, hm?

I can?t tell you how impressed people will be if you can exercise this pattern at least part of the time. A cycle of good small talk done with correct give and take of communication can land a job interview in the first two minutes, and leave people with an open, happy impression of you that lasts for years. Good luck with it. Onward and upward!

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How Do I Keep Small Talk Going? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–patrickRD

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?Are NTs [Neurologically Typical poeple] more likely to accept an aspie if he or she is “fit”: i.e., good looking, good dress sense, six-pack, big breasts, etc??

–patrickRD

Yes.

But the social benefits of dressing with fashion and having an aesthetic body go only so far. Other factors affect your acceptance and desirability in society much more than looks, especially for men.

A simple demonstration: think of Stephen Hawking, the world-renowned physicist. He has the degenerative disease ALS, is wheelchair bound, and has been hardly able to move for years, and looks like Gollum. Nevertheless, he is married, has children, and I guarantee you there are many women who would marry him and have his children. Strange? Only on the surface. Dr Hawking has a trait that trumps all his handicaps: a place in communication.

Communication determines one?s social desirability. A fit body and nice clothes communicate a few facets of a person?s totality, but their effect is very limited and works more as an aid to other communication than an end in themselves. Merely attractive people often find that they get fast service at restaurants and lots of sidelong glances in public. But without other, deeper communication, attractive people often wind up getting used and disregarded. You might have heard the sarcastic saying, ?It ain?t easy being pretty?? Well, there?s a gritty kernel of truth to it, as much as we envy the people who are fortunate enough to have an aesthetic form.

Communication means much more than conversation skills and a nice hand in letter writing. Communication enters into the entire field of human activity and has layers upon layers of complexity, some of which we have yet to fully understand. A person who is a good communicator may not say anything at all. Such a person may only be communicated through or pull together the people who need to communicate. In fact, if you look at the most highly paid and most powerful people in the world, they fall into this category. Bill Gates doesn?t write software. He uses his reputation?a communication device?to put consumers in contact with the people who write the software. He also communicates between the companies who make all the different programs and makes sure they all communicate using the same standard: Microsoft Windows. (The federal anti-trust enforcers got rather upset with him about this.)

Good actors do much the same thing, and they deserve special mention because they are thought of as sexy and desirable. People make the mistake of thinking that actors get their jobs because of their fantastic looks and nothing else. This is nonsense. Actors facilitate a staggering amount of communication. How? The film studio has a huge project with an expensive director, an expensive script, tens of millions of dollars worth of sets, and investors waiting to be satisfied. There?s one problem: how do they communicate this great, expensive story to the public? They must go through actors, the communicators chosen by the collective consciousness of a society. An actor?s name communicates to filmgoers that a story is worthwhile and should be seen, and the actor?s performance communicates the story to the aesthetic senses of the audience. Not only that, but a well-known actor in a film facilitates communication among the filmgoers themselves: ?Did you see that new film, the one with Johnny Depp?? ?You mean The Libertine? Yeah! It was weird blah blah blah.? Actors cause, facilitate, give, and receive more communication than just about anyone else in our society, and for that reason?not their looks or their clothes?they are named ?sexiest man/woman alive? and drooled over incessantly. Looks help, but looks comprise the tip of the iceberg, that little part of the gigantic mass that is visible.

This should make our earlier discussion of Dr Hawking more intelligible. He facilitates worldwide communication of physics?partly because of his disability. His name attached to his university, his own lectures, and the attention aimed at him all go together to make a swirling mass of communication with him at the eye of the storm. Thus, he is socially acceptable and desirable.

Aspies seem to have spotty success in precisely this area of broadly defined communication, and it damages their social acceptance and desirability. An aspie can make himself understood in speech or writing quite well usually. But when it comes to the facilitation of communication and becoming a point of communication for his small group or the society at large, an aspie often finds himself in the dark. Human society communicates with itself on what seems to be almost paranormal levels, and aspies don?t seem to tap into these ?channels? as well as most NTs. (For an excellent scientific discussion of these phenomena, read The Wisdom of Crowds by James Surowiecki.)

A few exceptions jump out. Despite not having a publicly declared diagnosis, Bill Gates almost certainly falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. Dan Aykroyd, the world-famous actor, publicly declared an AS diagnosis not too long ago, as well as Craig Nicholls, lead singer of The Vines. Bram Cohen, creator of BitTorrent, also has AS. Apparently, aspies can move in the realm of important communication, but it?s unusual.

Common sense dictates that I recommend you keep fit. All our knowledge points to regular exercise being superb for the mind and body. If you want to improve your dress appearance but don?t feel you have good taste, I recommend getting an NT friend?preferably a woman?to go shopping with you and help you choose what looks good. Buy several variations on one look, and you?re all set. (For me, it happened to be collared men?s shirts, blue jeans, and indoor soccer shoes.) And with fitness as well as dress, I would say, don?t fret over the results too much. Do exercise that feels right to you, and wear clothes that feel comfortable. Work on your communication skills as you can. That study, more than anything, will improve your social acceptance and desirability.

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: Are Pretty Aspies More Socially Accepted? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Typically I have found that if you can laugh and ‘cut up’ you’ll get better results in breaking the ice then if you speak formally and stiffly, in most situations. Other times if you note the quietness of the area around you, you may want to speak very politely. Still-do not be stone faced or frown constantly. Try to gauge the attitude around you.

Though it may help to lighten up your facial expressions, it will not help at all if you stay by yourself. I’m making another generalization, but, most aspies are anti-social. I have been able to make friends over the keyboard, but you will be like a fish out of water if you don’t have someone to talk to in real life as well.

Hope this helps some people.

The post Friends-some advice. appeared first on Wrong Planet.