Head banging, tantrums, Christmas tree's...

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A friend of mine told me that head banging is a typical toddler behavior and that the early intervention people should have told me that. She also told me that it's "normal" for toddlers to make their mothers bleed in public when they throw tantrums. She knows that my son has special needs, so the fact that she said these two things made me feel a little crazy. She was also making me feel like I'm depriving my son of something by not putting up a Christmas tree. I explained that he would just pull everything off of it, eat the ornaments and knock the tree down every time I left the room, and she suggested that I use it as an opportunity to teach him not to do those things.

Really? Is she getting some kind of sick pleasure out of tormenting me with these conversations? Or does she really really not "get it" at all. I can't even tell the difference anymore.

How do you know your son will pull the tree down and eat the ornaments? Has he actually done it somewhere?

My son has never made me bleed out in public so I don't know where she got that idea from. I don't think my brothers and I have made our mother bleed out in public either. How does a tantrum make you bleed when he has one? Does he attack you or something?

Every object that he has access to ends up in his mouth, and he's tried to knock over just about every tall thing he's been in contact with that wasn't bolted to the ground/wall. Not to mention he's absolutely obsessed with strings and wires. I can say with absolute certainty, simply from being around my kid all the time, that it would be a disaster.



He manages to head-butt me in the mouth. If I turn him around, he hits me with the back of his head. It's hard to hold him like a football or something because he can wiggle out of my arms more easily. The last time, we were in a parking lot and I was afraid he would run in front of a car.

I'm lucky my son has yet to do this to me too badly. (He runs into traffic and head butts me, I mean he hasn't managed to land a good hit yet) I took Karate for a few years when I was a young adult, I had no idea at the time that what I learned there was going to be most useful in dealing with my own child. When you pick him up try to remember to turn your head to one side and tuck your chin in it will make it harder for him to hit you in the mouth.

No, you aren't crazy. I would ask her what her credentials are that she knows more than the EI folks.

Honestly, I would not go 2nd guessing yourself based on the peanut gallery. Your instincts are more useful. You know your child.

Unsolicited advice you are free to ignore:

If YOU (not your friend) want a tree, get one of those smaller ones you can put on a counter out of reach. You can get cheapo ones that have tiny little lights on them and they make tiny decorations and stuff you can buy too. That is what we did in the early years and I do not think my son was deprived. I am sure he doesn't even remember we didn't have a big tree then. We have one now, and we use those so-called unbreakable plastic ornaments now. They do break if your child tries hard enough, but they are good enough for us, right now. I don't feel guilty about not having the "nice" glass ones.

I'll try it, thank you

Thanks, I'm always second guessing myself with this lady. She'll say something so nice and validating one day, then turn around and say the exact opposite the next. The only reason I even talk to her half the time is because she's literally the only one who hasn't completely abandoned me at this point. *has a pity party* (kidding...mostly)

Take what you like and leave the rest, right! I agree with the other posters, you know your kid best. When she says things that are so far off-base like this, remember, you can just nod and smile and say "I'll think about that, thanks" and then promptly forget it!

She sounds toxic. Not sure if it's intentional or she's just flighty, but either way her "support" isn't much help to you. If you enjoy her company otherwise, can you steer the conversation away from your kids?

We are not dealing with the head butting yet but my son has an oral fixation so we have been dealing the putting decorations and even try branch in his mouth. My son is 3 and will be 4 next month. We have been working with him to leave the tree alone. We started with a really small fake tree on a table, to a smallish 5 ft fake trees. We have non-breakable decorations and the tree is pre-lit so there are no wires that he can easily get to. He now sometimes does a quick stim with the lights but he doesn't stress the tree too much. I am hoping that will transfer to him leaving other people's tree alone when we visit them. I do think that we have helped him to get use to the idea of being with a tree. I almost forgot, we make him help to decorate the tree.

I dont' feel so bad now. My boy isn't the only one who head-butts and dismantles Christmas trees. I was ready for this behaviour as I did it when I was little (the tree-dismantling, not the head butts), but my husband wasn't. I rarely ever use the phrase. "told ya so," but in this case, I did tell him. After sweeping up the 15th glass ball and putting the tree skirt back for the 20th time, he finally got it.

OK, I have to laugh - not at you, but because I realized that I was constantly "counting myself lucky" that DS never "actually hurt me" during a violent meltdown, even though he often tried. I think I had a fat lip for like three years straight, but wasn't including that because they usually happened when he was being affectionate! at myself!

It is impossible to know what someone is going through, especially if you have a special needs child, unless you're in it yourself. Heck, I've been raising one for 12 years now and only just recently got my brain wrapped around it! Do what works for you and your kid. Period.

Tell your friend that the tried-and-true method of working with any kid, but especially one with special needs is to START WHERE HE IS, not where you wish he was.

If your friend really thinks he feels deprived, tell her to make you one of those stuffed fabric Christmas trees for you as a present and penance for telling you what to do: http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf96459812.tip.html

I bet your friend is trying to help you feel better, that your child "isn't that weird".

I think you're both right! My NT son broke my nose with a head butt when he was 18 months. I needed to harness him when taking him in public as he would run into the street... Christmas trees were put in an area where my kids were never unsupervised, and there were no breakable ornaments in their reach. What caused me to worry about my AS son was that he didn't evolve from those behaviors.

So... Some of the examples you use can happen with NT kids. That doesn't make your kid NT. Don't think you're crazy, you know your child.

One more vote for the "she doesn't get it" column.

While head banging and hurting mom might not be so super duper out there that the behaviors should send you running after all the specialists you can find, they can be problematic and shouldn't be ignored.

And the tree ... well, you do what you have to do. We did put up a tree when my son was small, but we didn't have a lot of concern about him trying to pull it down, just about him playing with it and breaking ornaments. So we made a play-friendly tree: no lights or tinsel, no breakable or potentially dangerous ornaments, and lots of stuffed animals hidden in the branches that he was allowed to take out, play with, and move around. Worked perfectly for us. He didn't even realize most people put lights on trees until the first year we did it.

We still don't have any standing lamps or lights in our house; even though my son is now 15, he is such a toucher and a fiddler that he could easily absent-mindlessly knock that sort of thing over, so it's all built in or high up.

Maybe you could get a mini tree and put it way up high? Or get creative and make something safe to knock over ... all sort of things are possible if you have a little time (yeah, right, that would be the hole in my suggestion, wouldn't it?).

Anyway. Don't be afraid to be non-traditional. All that matters is that your family have fun with it all.

Thanks everyone, I always feel better after reading your responses

We're really not too big on decorating for Christmas anyway, but I'll probably do a little something just to try to make it a little special for him.

This is kind of funny, since I posted this, my son has started climbing up on the kitchen table and swinging the chandelier around! I'm going to have to raise it up really high now. I almost became an interior designer before starting a family, and I'm SO glad that I didn't. If decorating was my life, I don't think that I could live in this empty, unconventional house lol.

Thanks for all of your advice, you're always so practical

I'm trying to embrace non-traditional. The more I give in to it, the easier life becomes.