No interest in anything/no will to live

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It's been a long time since I've posted on WP and things seem to keep getting worse. The more I try to help myself, the worse my life becomes. People here on WP are very kind and supportive so I thought I'd come back but I fear that the only way out of my extreme emotional pain is to find the "right planet".
I have been dealing with anxiety, depression and loneliness most of my life. Therapists and medications haven't helped at all. I used to be able to just muddle through but recently I have been coming very close to having a pure mental and physical breakdown. I can't even take the smallest amount of pressure and i am exhausted all of the time. I was already in a fragile state when I went to return a phone call from a long time friend who is also very depressed and when she heard my voice, she actually groaned! She has been a good friend for many years but constantly lies about not being able to talk because she is "on her way out the door". Really- 90% of the time I just happen to call right when she's leaving?! !! I was so hurt and angry that I just hung up and will not call her again. I have not returned the calls she made after I hung up. I bring this up because I don't have many friends and it is very upsetting that I had to be treated that way when I have never done anything like that to her. Then I started realizing that I have no good options. I can either accept that treatment and have a friend or I can have my self respect and lose one of the few friends I do have.
As far as work goes, I am a veterinarian and get negative feedback from clients because I act different than what they expect-despite being a very good veterinarian for their pet.
I just don't see the point in trying anymore when all I get is pain from other people.
I know nobody can give me any answers as to what to do but if there is ANY advice at all regarding how to deal with a horrific, NT world, then that may help me a bit.
I'm sorry to be so negative but I'm just trying to be honest.
Usually I just want to die in my sleep and go to Heaven and be with my precious cats who have passed.

Thanks for listening.

I have read that veterinarians have a very high incidence of mental health issues and a high incidence of suicide. So maybe you need to accept this as partially an "occupational hazard." In addition to that, many people have experienced more stress and mental health struggles during the pandemic we are just beginning to come away from. Your struggles are real and I do take them seriously.

I value the kindness of the many veterinarians who have helped me with my pets. I think your occupation is noble and very valuable.

You've mentioned anxiety, depression and loneliness, but where does autism spectrum disorder fit in the picture? I'm only asking because I want to get a better sense of what you're dealing with. Do you have any quality interactions with family and/or friends?

As for tips on coping, given that you haven't benefited much from the medical profession, I recommend that you find some nuggets of experience that bring you pleasure and joy, and increase the amount of time you spend on them; and secondly, evaluate what you want your purpose in life to be.

Please keep coming back here for support. We have some really decent sympathetic people here who I'm sure will want to chat with you.

A lot of damage we attribute to clashing with NT world is actually done to ourselves by ourselves. Yes, there are awkward situations, misunderstandings, resulting conflicts etc. but others might complain and forget about it, this is we who keep replaying them in our head for weeks. This is part of being on the spectrum, but largely this is depression. Meditation is a very useful tool to detect and break these loops.

To deal with these situations in a more constructive way you need more mental power. Please take a look at approach by another WP member in this thread.


This is kind of expected. Efficacy of therapy is marginally higher than doing nothing at all, in some studies almost zero when factor of reaching out was taken into account. Medications shown to have limited short term benefits with a lot of negative long term side-effects.

Ignore advise to try coping with depression by spending more time doing thing that bring you pleasure and joy, this is how a lot of people end up being depressed in the first place. A lot of people on the spectrum find pleasure and joy in reading books, playing games and watching movies in darkness of their apartment alone. This is not helpful at all.

Focus on things that are beneficial for your health, your brain's capacity to be happy - direct sunlight, fresh air, physical activity, healthy food. Even if you don't enjoy these things, it is absolutely necessary to have capacity to enjoy things you actually like doing. To have some happiness to "spend" or watching tv-show, you need to "earn" it doing something beneficial for biochemical processes in your body.

SIDE NOTE: I didn't realize that veterinarians were a higher-than-average risk group for anxiety and suicide. Is it that the profession tends to attract those sorts of people, or is working with animals and having to put them to sleep so stressful it messes with people's minds?

You’re a Veterinarian. That means you’re a viable person.

Who cares what others think?

Many people here love their pets—so they would love you if you’re a good Vet.

http://www.zeroattempts.org/suicide-professions.html - among U.S. professions, veterinarians were fourth for suicide risk.

You would be well advised to take advice from badRobot with a grain of salt. Other than his own experience, I've never seen much evidence that he knows what he's talking about.

Last edited by magz on 24 May 2021, 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.: Personal attack removed

Thanks for that link Bea. ^

I knew dentist and doctors topped the list, but I didn't know about vets. I can see where it would be a very demanding / stressful job and that most vets enter the profession because of high levels of empathy / compassion - and possibly a lower interest in human interaction.

Hi newme,

I'm so sorry to hear you aren't doing well. Do you have a mental health provider? Does anything bring you joy?

What were your other interests prior to this depression setting in?

Sending strength,
Isabella

Thank you for your kind replies.
Yes, veterinarians have a MUCH higher rate of suicide than the general public but it isn't really due to having to perform euthanasias. It is the pressure of seeing many patients yet not having the time, resources or support to do the best job you can. The profession is very corporatized so very money driven and that is at odds with helping animals. There is also a very poor work/life balance. The clients can be very demoralizing, especially during the pandemic.
My aspergers causes even more difficulty for me because although I am very compassionate and dedicated, I have trouble communicating normally with the clients but don't even rrealize I'm not communicating well. I also take more time to do exams etc. than other veterinarians. This has caused me to lose many jobs and that has caused a lot of my depression etc.
I also have trouble making friends and maintaining friendships. I try to be attentive, kind and loyal but I do understand that sometimes I am not as willing as I should be about doing things that I may not enjoy but that a friend does enjoy.
Anyway, it seems that Asperger's negatively impacts every aspect of my life and I don't really have the energy to keep struggling.
I don't have any family near me and even they sometimes aren't very supportive or understanding of my different way of thinking. This definitely causes everything to be more harmful than it should be because I feel like I have nowhere to go for help (other than WP, of course).
I do force myself to exercise and eat healthy food but I really enjoy watching TV so I know that's not the best thing to do. It is just the most calming and least stressful activity that I can find to do.
When I try to engage with other people it usually makes me feel worse off because I put a lot of effort into being "normal" and it never seems to be good enough. If I'm my normal Aspergers self, then forget it-they definitely don't want to be around me much, if at all.
Do other people here have the same experience?

I admire veterinarians very much.

I’m sorry you haven’t felt the esteem that you should feel.

Can you please stop? If "tryptophan metabolism pathways" or "stress regulation" are "meaningless mumbo jumbo" to you, there is nothing I can do to provide any evidence you would understand.

Telling depressed person to do things that bring pleasure and joy as a way to cope is about as arrogant as telling them to stop being such a loser and brighten up.

Last edited by magz on 24 May 2021, 1:55 am, edited 1 time in total.: Personal attack removed from quote

Thanks for the thoughtful response and the background info. I can see that you feel really frustrated and isolated because of your ASD, your line of work, your social challenges, and of course the pandemic. Depression is exhausting and once it begins it's harder and harder to find the energy to rebound.

I have the same experience in that I pursued my dream career at the time but it nearly killed me from social pressures. I actually suffered an adrenal collapse similar to Addison's early in my career, brought on by stress and a near nervous breakdown. Work drained every drop of energy from my body and there was never any time to regroup or seek appropriate mental health care. I've also suffered two strokes. My brain is fried and it's very hard for me to manage stress, sensory overwhelm, or social nonsense. I'm diagnosed with Major Depression, CPTSD and a host of other co-morbids including mutism. I'm not saying that to despair or sound negative, just to say I can imagine how you feel. In addition, a young friend of my family committed suicide last week. I'm living through the myriad of emotions his family is experiencing. The topic of mental health is very important to me overall.

I can relate to your upset about communication and friendships, as well as your mellow interests. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching TV if it's calming and brings you peace. I'm introverted and find the most pleasure being alone indoors, just having time and space to be myself. What do you like to watch? What other solitary activities help you to feel rested?

I'm really glad you reached out, and I'm glad to get to know you.

Chat any time.

!	magz wrote:
	Reminder: 1. Personal attacks are forbidden on WP. Disagreement should be expressed in a non-personal manner; 2. This is The Haven. It has special rules. Debate over users' advice should be moved elsewhere. It is allowed to link a thread with such debate but debating it here would be interpreted as hijacking OP's thread. 3. No "tough love" in The Haven.

Hello newme and welcome to Wrong Planet. I am glad you are here.

I’m sorry you are feeling so down. It is a horrible place to be. Many of us on WP experience this.

(((newme)))

Gentlemen, I moved your exchange on opinions here: viewtopic.php?t=397250
While healthy lifestyle and not being harsh on oneself are both important for mental health, a prolonged discussion on which one is more important is inappropriate in The Haven.

Newme, do you relate to the topic of masking? Being alert all the time and carefully controlling your behavior and body language to appear "normal"? Maybe to the point where you no longer have much contact with the real you?