Please, I need help with my relationship.

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Hi, I am a 32 year old NT and have been with my partner, who is 37 and has AS, for almost 6 years. At first, the relationship was great, we moved to a different part of the country and eventually went travelling. We have now settled abroad, have a guest house and really thought that we had made a life for ourselves. But over the last few years, our relationship has deteriorated so much that we are considering splitting up, both for different reasons.
My partner is driven and motivated, very artistic and loves physical excercise, but finds it very difficult to control his temper or to have patience with anyone. I, on the other hand, am very laid back and easy going, have the patience of a saint (really!) and like to socialise and take it easy.
At first we seemed to complement each other, but over the recent years, my partner almost acts as though he despises me at times. He won't walk at my pace (he walks a lot quicker), if I don't hear what he says, he shouts at me, he calls me names and swears at me, has thrown things at me, shouts and calls me names in front of friends and guests, and generally has no patience whats so ever for me. On the other hand I must do the exact opposite to him of what he does to me, otherwise I'm in the wrong.
I have just bought some books on living with a partner with AS. He only got diagnosed 10 years ago and only had a few councilling sessions. He won't see anyone else as he said it achieved nothing. He won't take medication either.
I am at the end of the line now. I feel depressed and abused, and feel my only option is to walk away. But I love my partner, and feel guilty for thinking of leaving him as I don't know how he will cope without me. We don't have many friends where we live and think that if I leave, he might do something awful to himself if he doesn't have a support system around him.
I really need some advice and help to save our relationship. What can I do to help him, and me?

Have you looked for a behavioral therapist where you are? One who can offer help for his outburst and better coping mechanisms and one where you can also learn to help him cope better? Maybe not a couple's counselor but one who helps AS adjust to stress and triggers....

I am sorry that you are both feeling like this!

There maybe reasons for "bad behavior" but no excuse for not trying to improve it.Especially if the person loves someone.

It sounds like your boyfriend is very stressed,feeling crowded and doesnt have the words(or know himself)how to let you know.He may also be taking advantage of your good nature and using aspie label to justify it.(It doesnt)

I have been in semi-abusive relationships.I could always make logical "excuses" for the person but it had a long term effect on me emotionally inspite of my "logic".Sometimes people can be "bad chemistry",even though they are compatible in many ways.
I thought I could deal with it because I dont get much of my sense of self worth from other people and the person never physically abused me and out bursts were usually short though ongoing and called "humor" by him.

I would recommend you write him a logical letter listing many of the things that are hurtful to you,why they hurt,what you would like to change...be very concrete and specific.......

ie...."when you call me names in front of other people it embarrasses me.I feel you do not value me if you and do not care about my being hurt.I would like you to stop doing this and if you do it "accidentally" apologize publicly."

I think you need to make a concrete need list.Let him know that if he is not willing to work on these issues OR get counseling for himself(preferably couple counseling by someone familiar with AS)then you will have to redefine your relationship.That may mean not seeing each other at all or living seperatly.If you give him your bottom line and he has a choice to respect your needs or ignore them....then you have no cause for guilt.If you make these conditions you will have to be strong and stick to them.(I have buckled and compromised to many times and it never works).

I wish you both luck.It can be hard work to make a relationship work and it should be worth the trouble...if it isnt,then it is time to go.I am now with someone who is very mellow and takes my brief outbursts in stride....but I always apologize,admit to being in the wrong and try to comeback after processing my outbursts and explain and apologize.

If he's anything like me, his bad temper may be driven by fear. If he thinks that he's nasty and useless and he values you for being (comparatively) angelic, he will be permanently afraid that he isn't good enough for you. This in turn will make him wound up and the pressure he puts himself under to behave in a nicer way will actually have the opposite effect - he'll be far more likely to 'melt down' and become abusive because his fight or flight instincts will kick in very quickly.

Tell him he doesn't have to be perfect and he is a good person at heart, even though it's obvious sometimes that he loses control, and that you understand how he is feeling, and that everything will be ok.

And then walk away. Let him think about it on his own, but knowing that support is there IF he needs it.

Chances are, with less pressure to be a good person he will actually become a much nicer person. And because there's no pressure to talk about anything, he might talk about it. Men are contradictory like this, and Aspergers makes it worse.

If things don't improve after that then I can offer no better suggestion than to walk away for good.

Sounds like couples counseling would be more helpful that individual therapy.

Get out while you still can