Advice on dealing with difficult people

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I have been married for nine years (and in a relationship with my husband for eleven years) and have always found my inlaws difficult to deal with and to understand. They are very friendly and generous, but they are also very loud and exuberant and very, very emotion-centric and want to connect to everyone on an emotional level. I am really sensitive to loud or sudden noises and to touch, and both of my parents-in-law shout in exclamation a lot and are very touchy-feely. I find it really difficult to predict when they might next scream out in excitement or touch or grab my arm, and so I spend all of my time around them in a constant state of high alert. I am also very keen on hygiene, particularly food hygiene, and they will do things like leave food out and unrefrigerated and uncovered for ages and then serve it. When cutting a cake, they will cut a piece, touch it with their fingers to steady it on the knife (without washing their hands first), lick their fingers and run them down the knife to clean it off, then lick their fingers again before cutting the next piece and starting all over again. They also love to share food, and if we have a meal together, everyone shares their meals and even drinks. I don't mind taking some food off of my plate and putting it on to someone else's (using my cutlery to separate it from the food I am eating), but I don't like eating or drinking after anyone (apart from my cats and sometimes my husband!).

They also always talk about and ask very personal questions and questions about feelings, even about very mundane topics, like if we see a movie, they will ask, 'How did you feel about that film?' If I reply, 'I liked it', they will press for more information on my emotional reaction and I will just shut down because I don't know what to say. Everything is about feelings to them and the last time we say them, my mother-in-law said I was 'too cognitive' when she suggested we 'consider in [our] hearts' if we would like to see a particular play and I said, 'My heart doesn't have an opinion. I'll consider it in my head.' If anything even remotely negative has happened to someone recently, they will display a disproportionate amount of sympathy and say things like 'Your pain is my pain', even when it's something the person who has had the negative experience isn't upset about. I have tried changing the topic or trying to evade the questions, but they will not be deflected and even point out that they know that I am trying not to answer the question, but they want to know the answer anyway. I have even tried politely saying something like 'I don't want to talk about that, please', but they have been offended by that and taken it personally.

We are going to stay with them next weekend for a night and are going to a sporting event. It has been hot here recently and I have sensory issues with heat and the sun. In addition to my dislike of crowds and noise, I already anticipate being a little bit on edge, but being around my inlaws adds another anxiety. My mother inlaw has asked to see us this weekend as well, and now I need to email her back and find a way of politely declining because I simply cannot handle the stress of seeing them two weekends in a row.

I just have no idea how to interact with them or how to cope with the barrage of personal questions and expressions of feeling. I don't like how often I shut down when I am around them, how I am exhausted by their presence (I experience a 'social hangover' after any social event, but with them this is greatly magnified), or how I am so anxious about seeing them or having to talk to them.

I hoped that my recent ASD diagnosis and the discovery that I have alexithymia would make them understand me better and realise why I am so unable to carry on a conversation for them, but I'm still very anxious about having to see or talk to them. My husband has said that he feels like he has been put in an awkward position, and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, so I need to find a way of communicating with them without hurting their feelings or making them defensive or find better ways of coping with my reactions.

I would really like advice from other autistic people for dealing with people who are overwhelming in this way.

This is a hard question, it sounds like they try to engage you in conversation yet they dont understand ASD disorders. Your husband also should be willing to help them understand.

My problem is similar, yet the problem is that my soon to be ex's family has never liked me in the 5+ yrs we've been together. They just are indifferent. They could care less. They hardly ever show emotions, it's scary as i can't read them at all. The nephew has Autism and they still don't care to understand or even try. It's disgusting. My family always treated my soon to be ex with respect and as one of the family.

Some people just won't understand as they just don't care.

Yet your husband should try and help his folks understand better.

The discomfort of being in in-laws house was so horrible i'd be pacing, or outside most times. The last time i brought my bike and rode around away outsid.

Hate to say this but, if you've been 9 years into these people, all of your behavior's are probably locked in by now. Minimize the exposure is probably the best you'll achieve at this date.

I'm fortunate that as frustrating as my inlaws are to me, they have good intentions and try very hard. I think they would be willing to change just about anything to make someone else feel more comfortable; my problem is that I am not good at communicating with them and that it's not fair of me to ask them to stop being themselves around me or to stop coming to my house (though I might be able to explain that I more comfortable meeting in 'neutral' locations). My husband is very helpful and understanding and he has emailed them about this weekend to explain that I won't be joining them this weekend because I need to avoid overestimation as much as possible and save my social energy for next weekend. He also thinks I can politely explain that it would make me feel more comfortable if I can bring my own food to eat since I could always try what they're having if I felt okay about it. Hopefully, making small adjustments like that will help make spending time around them less stressful, though I think it will always be exhausting!