Did you ever want to deny that you have Asperger's?

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I did. A year ago, one of my classmates asked: "Hey, do you have some problems? Are you autistic?", and I answered: "No, I'm not; and however, it's not your business". In fact, I'm not going to say people I have AS so easily.

I'm not going to be talking about it to any woman I date until WAY later, since she's going to presume my IQ is about 50 points lower than it is and that I can't operate like a human being until I have time later, way later to explain it in detail. But, I'm never going to deny it's existence. I think the denial and lack of understanding is our worst issue present today.

When I first heard about it 10 years ago and that I might have it, I dismissed it since I am neither a geek (like my father) or a engineer (like my brother) and didn't think too much of it. Last year I was researching what could be wrong with my mother and stumbled upon a detailed description of Aspergers and not the basic "geek syndrome" or "engineers disease" I previously understood it to be. Once I read the formal research (you know, at an academic library), I couldn't deny it even if I wanted to and I probably fit the AS mold better than 80% of WP members.

I was unsuccessful at getting a formal dx (since apparently Aspies can't work) and can't afford to pursue it any further but I still couldn't deny it even if a medical expert told me I didn't have it. It simply describes my life, both difficulties and successes to a T and I would be crazy to think I didn't have it given all the time I spend here at WP with people who actually understand and can relate to me so, so well!

For a fairly short period when I was 13, after I left a special school and moved to mainstream education, I convinced myself that Asperger's wasn't relevant and that my earlier problem's (mostly losing my temper over trivial things) were just poor behaviour. I think this was just because I wanted to fit in, and wanted to believe that I was "normal". Since then, though, I've somewhat accepted the way I am, although I've still struggled to make any progress with social interaction or life in general.

Since I was about 17 I have been going through phases of regarding myself as "semi-autistic", although before that whenever my parents tried to talk to me about my problems and anxieties I used to have growing up, I was refusing to listen to anything said to me (they now deny there was ever anything wrong with me, though).

I am still going through long phases of trying to talk myself out of the diagnosis, it was made in adulthood based on what I said to the diagnostician (1 who assessed and 1 who then confirmed, but I didn't have to take any tests so I am sceptical), and although a friend of mine who has worked with autism for decades is adamant I am autistic, the fact that my parents block any attempt to talk about this, and how they insist that I was an intelligent normal child, makes me very sceptical still. I was an only child after all, and my parents didn't have a lot of money when I was little, so my playing repetitively (sorting things mostly) with things like coins and screws isn't really surprising.

The way I remember growing up (the things I found difficult, and what or who I was aware of) is very different in some areas to how my parents seem to remember things - most of the time my memories do not include anybody other than myself and the things and rooms surrounding me, so I do rather think my awareness of autism NOW is skewing my memory of growing up.

I did go to a special ed kindertgarten for two years but as a "neighbourhood kid" along with the daughter of a family friend, to further integration of disabled students - I did love it there and I think it helped me a great deal to have that extra early year of kindergarten, even if our state kindergarten teacher was rather prejudiced against the two of us as a result.

I used to always deny it. When I was aged 9 to 18, I got really angry if someone mentioned it. If it was my mum, I used to literally hit her on the arm, and I even remember hitting my uncle aswell when he said the word. I grew out of the hitting through when I got to about 10 or 11. After that I just used to cry if someone mentioned it, or yell, ''I haven't got it!''

I remember when I first started college at 17, an assistant there was going through my application thing, and said, ''so you've got Asperger's Syndrome....'' and I burst into tears. I was then old enough to know that I couldn't lie and say no, but I felt so embarrassed to openly say, ''yes I have'', that crying was the next best thing for me.

Now I don't cry any more if someone mentions it. I don't tell any of my friends, I don't even hint that I have a disability, and sometimes I blame my social awkwardness on something else, like saying I've always been half deaf (which is a half-truth), or saying I've got an anxiety disorder, which is very true anyway, but I don't say anything about AS. I just get too embarrassed.

I used to deny I had it ever since I was diagnosed at 14 until about 4 or 5 years ago....I also used to get mad when my mom brought it up or said I had it. In terms of saying AS was just a myth I never said that but I did used to say things like "our society labels people at the first sign of problems " and "I've been diagnosed with SO many things" which is true but I have them all: ADHD, learning disability, AS, generalized anxiety disorder.

I denied it before I got a diagnosis, since for my childhood, only those who were low functioning were diagnosed with autism, and they tended to be males. As I was a high functioning female, I was able to deny that I had it. Even now that I know I have Asperger's, it's not something I want to tell everyone, so only a small group of people know about the diagnosis.

For a few years during a time when I progressed quite a lot socially, I used to say that I was "cured".

However, there is a difference between having a cure and finding ways to adapt to your AS, and I think I simply did the latter.

I know I am definitely on the spectrum, as I am always second guessing myself in terms of my behaviors, and no matter how much I intellectually process social skills and other adaptive skills, not a lot of it comes intuitively. I am never perfect with this kind of stuff either: there are things that I learn all the time that other people seem to just "know". Simply put, I know that I use a different part of my brain to process a lot of social and emotional information. My psychologist, my parents and I agree that while I definitely fit the criteria for AS as a child and young teen (and was diagnosed), I don't think I meet the specific criteria for it any longer.