Lets stop trying to act like neurotypical people.

Post Reply New Topic

I agree that you should find people that you get along with, but I don't agree that you shouldn't put effort into acting NT. Since I have a lot of NT traits, I feel the happiest when I act NT. I notice that I naturally act more NT when I'm happy or around people I get along with.

I just feel so connected and peaceful when I act NT. When I act NT I feel energized by socializing. When I fail to act NT I feel bored and drained when I socialize. I often get ignored and neglected when I fail to act NT. It sucks, but it's a fact of life.

I don't really get along with Aspies. I usually find them boring, unreachable and annoying unless we share interests. I also have the same problem with extreme NTs. I can't stand extreme NTs. They're extremely boring, annoying, demanding and manipulative.

I get along the best with quirky NTs. I feel normal and alive when I'm with quirky NTs.

If you naturally behave a certain way that is not acting, I think when most people talk about 'acting' in the context of life they mean acting like something they aren't like acting unnaturally for them. For instance why should I act 'NT' when I am not one and to even come off as close to being one I'd have to waste a lot of energy 'acting' or pretending which isn't worth it to me....NTs don't try to act autistic on account of me...what do you even define as 'acting NT' how exactly do NTs act? And there isn't extreme neurotypicals either one has typical neurology or not....extreme would imply something outside typical neurology.

Some things sure did, and I did, thanks! More than anything it's just nice to read about people who have been through what I feel like I'm going through right now (though I hadn't heard the term 'metanoia', which I'm slightly ashamed of since I studied Psychology at uni), and have come out the other side feeling successful. Now is the time that I need constant pushes from others, constant reminders to keep aiming where I know I probably need to be.

I guess that's something about the depression that you speak of that most of us go through. In the past I've allowed the depression to just lead to a lack of motivation to try harder, to change things. It does that. So really, we need people on our back when we can't do it ourselves. This 'metanoia' thing I've just learned about...would you say most people go through the initial stages of it but then don't complete the transformation and instead regress to where they were, due to the depression that goes along with this state/phase? It's hard to pull thirst for action out of bewilderment and disenchantment.

So you say to eat healthy, exercise, take action, etc etc...Do you have any tips on keeping these things up? On how to not fall back into old patterns while you are struggling to see the "light at the end of the tunnel"? That would probably be the most useful information to me right now.

What I mean by acting NT is having normal eye contact, not having a monotone voice, participating in the conversation without taking it over and actually connecting with people. I can't really do all of this most of the time, but when I can it's extremely rewarding. I end up gaining energy and that increases my social stamina a lot.

When I can't do all of that I end up feeling awkward, out of sync, disconnected and left out. I also don't end up gaining any energy from that conversation. It makes my energy get drained and I often have to leave the conversation early.

Maybe extreme NT is the wrong word. I'm talking about people who are the opposite of autistic. They are often very social, have very good executive functioning, enjoy superficial smalltalk, don't really have any interests, and they are diplomatic and manipulative. I can spot them as easily as I can spot aspies.

To me trying to act neurotypical makes me feel even more awkward and nervous...me making normal eye contact would mean likely using automatic responses in conversation rather than actually listening since I cannot focus on listening and taking it in and making eye contact, plus eye contact causes severe discomfort......I don't like ending up taking over a conversation, though half the time I can't get a word into the conversation even when I have something to say but people tell me if they get bored of something I am talking about...so then I move to whatever else or just listen and observe till another topic comes up and comment on that some. I feel akward and out of sync with anyone at first but more comfortable more I get to know someone....and if I realize they accept me for me and aren't looking down. Takes a while before I am even comfortable enough to end up hogging a conversation....

And those extreme NT, whatevers sound creepy....I think I might avoid those. lol

I'd rather be myself than make myself into something that I'm not. I have a mind of my own. I've decided not to act NT in high school, because I didn't want to get mixed in with youths that I didn't have anything in common with.

I'm not optimistic about that. When I was very young I did act like myself rather than an NT, and it was a disaster. My parents scolded me, almost none of the other kids wanted to be around me, and I was labeled a problem. No one cared that I might be "autistic," "Asperger's," "ADHD," whatever; all they cared about was that my strange behavior made them uncomfortable and made their jobs harder. They judged me not on my merits but on how well I fit in, even when they were being complementary; one of the analysts I went to described me privately as "the proverbial square peg that refuses to be pounded down." I would like to act more like myself in public, but it's still in their system, and I'll still be rejected. There's really no escape from that.

Kudos on finding success and happiness in your own way, but I wouldn't be so sure it will work for everyone else here.

When I act perfectly NT it seems like it's a gear that my brain just shifts into. When I'm in that state I don't usually have to think about eye contact, taking turns, tone of voice and all that jazz. It just seems to happen on its own for some reason.

When that happens I think to myself that I'm acting extremely normal. That tends to kind of jinx it because I start to overthink things and that kind of messes up the balance. This state is one reason I suspect I'm not an Aspie. I actually had normal eye contact and body language when I was a baby.

Those extreme NTs are pretty creepy. I really want to understand them better, but there's no literature on them.

I can't really go into that mode, but then I listen to a lot of metal and wear band t-shirts and such...seems sometimes people expect metalheads and such people to be rather 'weird' to begin with so they don't seem to think of 'what is wrong with her' when they meet me, but of course people that are really judgemental and can't stand anything different can easily notice something 'off' but then they are looking to judge. I don't know I don't think most people assume I have aspergers, but people certainly don't see me as normal, or what they'd picture as a typical 25 year old female. If I tried to act like a typical 25 year old female it would be a disaster.....not that my lifes not already a disaster but at least currently I am not subject to mockery like I'd be if I could function just a little better enough to work, but when I went in front of the judge for the SSI appeal they looked at me like 'holy crap how did this person get denied(they'd be totally useless in the job world and probably just cause insurance problems or something when I get too overwhelmed and freak out on the job). The said right there I'd get it and usually it takes them a week to send you a letter with the decision before you know for sure you're getting SSI.

I have lived my life with similar self acceptance that is similar to yours in many ways. With the exception of the apartment for your self the above sounds like like extremely NT goals to aspire to.

We tell depressed people that everything seeming negative is not realistic, they are just can't see the positive side, and that they deserve to feel happiness. The problem I have with these "I have found the way to complete happiness" type posts that pop here on occasion is that it is denial of a part of the human experience. We are socialized with conflicting messages. We are constantly told to learn and express our feelings. But we soon learn the application of this philosophy is not consistent. When expressing negative feelings we are either told outright to stop expressing them or people try to convince us our feelings have no valid bases in reality or like in the case here you can train yourself out of them. You have correctly identified the damage NT's do to us when they convince us they are right and we have to emulate them. I see no reason why denying our negative emotions will not also do psychological damage.


You completely lost me here. In my 57 years that is probably the most "be fake" advice I have ever received.

I note that the OP lives in Portland, Oregon an area that is more accepting of difference and "weirdness" then most locales.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 21 Sep 2014, 2:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I never understand what "acting like NT" actually means.

If you mean picking up little tips along the way that might help coping with the world, then I'm guilty as charged. But I can't honestly say that I have the skills to be a full time actor.

BTW, I couldn't read that wall of text you put up. I'm not gonna lie.

metalab, one size does not fit all, but kudos for discovering your own niche.

It sounds like you've been fairly lucky in your circumstances. Perhaps you're at the extrovert end of things, which is a big help these days. Some people manage to find their niche more easily than others, whether that be socially, career, hobbies and interests etc. Some people struggle with each of these aspects purely because they're different.

Your post reminds me of an ASD version of "How to win friends and influence people," like an extroverted NT colleague of mine whose philosophy is "always be closing (the sale)." Much of your advice shows how you have changed yourself to make things work for you, which is contrary to the title of your thread. "I know how to be sexually attractive," sounds like something you put on, rather than just being yourself. Directing your obsessions is also a way of conforming to NT 'requirements.' So what if someone wants to obsess over Star Wars, that's the person being themselves. I'm more of a trekkie, but I do know to limit my trekkie stuff around most NT's - i.e. I conform a little to the NT way.

Your formula shows how you change to be attractive, acceptable and to have a good life, which is just what a lot of ASD people do. Yet some struggle even to do that. We may all have ASD, but we're all very individual as people and very individual in our ASD. One formula does not fit all. I would expect maybe an NT to think it could.

Your revelation, however, is not to be dismissed. It works well for you, and for that I'm glad. It's a lot like when someone discovers their passion. My passion for flying makes me happy, but that doesn't mean it will make most other people happy. I will talk with anyone who wants to hear, with great enthusiasm about my flying experiences, almost as if in telling, I can enthuse them too, when in reality not many will have the same spark of enthusiasm that I have found.

It's not possible for one path to always lead to the same place, if some people are lost.
If the place is the same for everyone, then different paths will do.
But then, what is this place where everyone should be?
I don't know. Meanwhile, I suggest that those who are interested by these things read about Kazimierz Dabrowsky's Positive Disintegration (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_Disintegration).

I'm tired, and have a headache. BTW I totally agree with the fact that one should not force his/her circadian cycle to fit a logical structure.

Don't tell people what to do and what not to do, we all cope with life in our own ways. If trying to blend it works for some people (and I know for a fact it does) then let them do so. I for one prefer to blend in and not be noticed, so that people leave me alone more. It was hard sometimes but it gets easier after a while and I have benefited greatly from doing things like this. Respect those individual differences between people's abilities, life choices and the way the choose to present themselves. Some wish to always "be themselves", but life changes us all and we are all affected in different ways. Some do not mind being visibly different... others like myself wish to remain invisible in certain ways.

And there NOTHING wrong with that!

OP, you express some very interesting ideas but I'd like to ask for some more details.

You express a dislike of PhDs, did they give you some bad advice?
You imply that you had some sort of epiphany when you were 26. Could you describe this more detail?
As Narrator suggested you seem to be relatively outgoing by aspie standards. Were you outgoing before your epiphany?
Are you always this sanguine or does it come and go?

...and this is a problem, and a problem I have with some of the things you are saying.
You make this assumption that you might know what it means to use logic. I don't have "extremely complex models of reality and social interaction worked out" that I adhere to. I just use logic to work out what is gonig on. I also certainly don't try to "emulate" what I may think appears to be "normal and happy".

But your post seems to indicate that if any of us fall short of any of the things on your check list, we are not successful. You also assume we can not possibly be happy. What a complete lack of insight into people who you claim you should have such a connection to.

To echo Narrator- It is great that you have found your own thing. However:



You know how to ____.
I don't know how. I'm just how I am, because I realized a long time ago that trying to be anything else would be a complete and utter failure. To try to construct any other way of being in the day to day would be equally unsuccessful. So now I'm just me, and find a way to be comfortable in that AND navigate the world AND not be miserable/enjoy the ME that I am. It works enough because if I'm content with myself there are enough people who figure they are missing out on something when they see that. But frankly- I straddle introvert and extrovert. I can't deal with having a million people in my life. A handful is plenty so I'm all full up with my roommates, family and SO basically.


...but it works and I find people that appreciate me, myself and I and when I'm physically well I find jobs that work for me and places that appreciate the talents I have. That's how I have found to navigate the world. If bending to the world and other people and MAKING yourself physically attractive by changing all these things about you works, fine. Its how you have found to be happy, and that's your solution.

My point is that what you have been saying is laced with a lot of assumptions bordering on insult. That's what I meant with the "ease up" statement.


[ETA: edited b/c "I also certainly don't try to "emulate" what I may think appears to emulate "normal and happy". " changed to "I also certainly don't try to "emulate" what I may think appears to be "normal and happy". ]

Last edited by SignOfLazarus on 21 Sep 2014, 11:50 am, edited 1 time in total.